WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking move that absolutely no credible psychiatrist supports, the Minnesota GOP has proposed a bill that would classify “Trump Derangement Syndrome” (TDS) as an official mental illness. The bill passed its first hurdle after lawmakers shouted “Fake news!” at each other for 45 minutes and agreed to diagnose anyone who didn’t laugh at Donald Trump Jr.’s Instagram reels as clinically unstable.
“This is a public health crisis,” said Rep. Del Wadsworth (R-MN), who introduced the bill while wearing a red baseball cap and sweating profusely under the fluorescent lights of a Walgreens press conference. “People are out there sobbing at brunch because of mean tweets. That’s not politics. That’s pathology.”
TDS Now Covered by Insurance—But Only if You Watch Newsmax During Therapy
According to the Minnesota bill’s language, patients will be eligible for insurance coverage if they agree to complete a 10-week desensitization program that involves watching every Sean Hannity monologue without blinking. The treatment plan also includes aromatherapy with Tucker Carlson-branded beard oil and a MAGA-themed fidget spinner.
“We’re not trying to force ideology,” said Dr. Skip Rand, a self-described “Facebook-certified hypnotherapist.” “We’re trying to heal. Preferably by replacing whatever liberal nonsense is in your brain with a laminated copy of the Electoral College map from 2016.”
The Department of Health and Human Services has not responded to inquiries, mostly because it’s busy explaining for the 7th time that QAnon is not a recognized clinical methodology.
Medical Professors Cite It Unanimously—From the University of YouTube
A press release backing the bill claims “hundreds of professors” have agreed that TDS is real. SpinTaxi fact-checked the names and found they include “Dr. @RedPillAlpha” from the “University of Hard Truths,” a man who once live-streamed himself eating ivermectin while yelling at a blender.
Another self-identified “medical authority,” Dr. Sheila Torq, holds an honorary degree in metaphysics from an online college based in a Daytona Beach vape shop. When asked for comment, she offered to perform a “chakra realignment” to remove Nancy Pelosi’s energy from our souls.
“I know liberalism when I see it,” Torq said, holding a dog-eared copy of Mein Kampf. “It makes your skin wrinkle and your heart cry for Ukraine.”
New Symptom Added: Involuntary Eye-Roll Every Time Trump Says ‘Tremendous’
The Minnesota bill outlines symptoms of TDS, including “compulsive eye-rolling,” “inability to use the word ‘huge’ without sarcasm,” and “irrational belief that Alec Baldwin is still funny.”
The condition appears to peak when sufferers are exposed to phrases like “I alone can fix it” or “nobody respects women more than I do.”
One anonymous clinical trial participant reported, “Every time I hear him say ‘the likes of which the world has never seen,’ I throw up in my mouth a little. I had to switch to smoothies.”
Trump Campaign Offers Free TDS Testing—Just Yell His Name in a Starbucks
Under a new grassroots initiative titled “Operation Trigger Snowflake,” Trump 2024 volunteers are now visiting cafés, public libraries, and community college parking lots, shouting the former president’s name to see who reacts.
“If someone spits out their matcha and screams, ‘He’s a fascist!’ that’s a confirmed positive,” said field researcher Kyle Trumpinson, a man who claims no relation but has a face tattoo of Ivanka. “If they just flinch and mumble ‘ugh,’ we recommend monitoring for early symptoms.”
In Boulder, Colorado, 72% of tested subjects were diagnosed with Stage 3 TDS after being shown a photo of Trump eating a taco bowl.
Republicans Want DSM-6 to Include MAGA PTSD and Liberalism as a Side Effect
Conservatives aren’t stopping with TDS. According to a leaked memo from the Heritage Foundation, they’re lobbying the American Psychiatric Association to add “Post-Traumatic Stress from Wearing a Mask,” “Pronoun Paranoia,” and “Critical Race Confusion Disorder” to the upcoming Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 6th Edition.
The proposed appendix includes disorders like “Drag Queen Panic Syndrome” and “Fox News Separation Anxiety,” all with corresponding ICD-10 codes and suggested treatments, usually involving flag pins and Bud Light boycotts.
TDS Vaccine Rumored—But Only Works if You’re Willing to Take Hydroxychloroquine
In the latest entry to the snake-oil sweepstakes, MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell has announced a partnership with a pharmaceutical startup that claims to have developed a “TDS immunity supplement.” Marketed as MAGAcilin, the tablet contains “Trump hair follicle essence,” apple cider vinegar, and crushed up rally confetti.
Side effects include hallucinations of being personally invited to Mar-a-Lago and uncontrollable urges to start podcasts.
“It’s not FDA approved,” said Lindell, “but then again, neither was the presidency in 2020.”
Yale Declines to Comment, Harvard Sells T-Shirts
Mainstream academia has distanced itself from the TDS conversation, though a quick scan of the Harvard bookstore reveals a booming cottage industry in trauma merch. Popular items include “I Survived the Trump Years and All I Got Was This Existential Dread” mugs and Ruth Bader Ginsburg prayer candles.
At Stanford, a new psychology seminar titled Derangement, Democracy, and Donald filled up in seven minutes. The final project? A guided visualization in which students confront Steve Bannon in their subconscious and ask why he smells like expired soup.
Conservative Think Tank Links TDS to Wind Turbines and Gluten-Free Bagels
The American Institute for Moral Clarity (a think tank run out of a former Cracker Barrel in Alabama) has released a report suggesting a correlation between TDS and oat milk consumption.
According to lead researcher Chet Bigley, “We found elevated levels of anxiety in individuals who read The New Yorker, use the word ‘gaslight’ unironically, or own more than three scarves.”
His report blames “cognitive dissonance caused by kale,” which he calls “a gateway leaf to socialism.”
Minnesota Senator Behind Bill Also Diagnosed With “Severe Irony Deficiency”
In a truly chef’s-kiss plot twist, the bill’s co-sponsor, State Senator Justin Eichorn, was arrested three days later for allegedly soliciting sex from a minor.
According to police, he claimed he was conducting “youth outreach” and “intergenerational dialogue,” adding, “I thought she was just there to talk about voter fraud.”
His diagnosis is pending, but psychiatrists say he’s showing signs of “hypocrisy-induced cognitive decay,” a condition known to plague most culture war crusaders after three or more press releases.
Trump Jr. Offers TDS Treatment: Just Buy His Dad’s Book in Bulk
Donald Trump Jr. has endorsed the Minnesota bill and launched a new wellness brand, Triggered Solutions, which includes products like “Alpha Patriot Brain Powder,” “Constitutional Protein,” and a scented candle called “Hunter Biden’s Laptop.”
When asked for medical evidence, Trump Jr. replied, “Bro, I am the evidence,” before slamming a Monster Energy drink and skateboarding into a Chick-fil-A.
Customers who buy his dad’s new memoir in bulk receive a complimentary “I Beat TDS” sticker and an invitation to a group healing Zoom session hosted by Diamond and Silk holograms.
