Clara Olsen

Clara Olsen: Wellness Guru & Juice Cleanse Junkie Turned Professional Panic Merchant Clara Olsen didn’t discover wellness—she weaponized it. A dropout from the University of Essential Oils (a Facebook group), Clara rose to fame by convincing suburban moms that kale could cure existential dread. Her credentials? A “certification” in Crystal Reiki from a TikTok ad and a PhD in “How to Monetize Your Trauma via Gluten-Free Cookies.” Clara’s career highlights include launching a $200 “oxygen bar” that was just a fan with a pine-scented dryer sheet and getting sued by the FDA for claiming her turmeric latte could reverse baldness (“It worked on my cat!”). As the founder of Wellness or Else, Clara peddles “science” so dubious even homeopaths side-eye her. Her blog, Chlorophyll Chronicles, teaches readers to swap antidepressants for moonwater and yoga poses named after extinct Pokémon. She’s been banned from three Whole Foods for sneak-attack cupping sessions in the kombucha aisle. Current Obsession: Convuing the CDC to classify Instagram detox teas as “essential medicine.”