Cream Cheese Is “Hand-Whipped”; Lox Is “Ethically Sourced”; Price Is Not Ethical New York Bagel Shop Introduces $24 “Artisanal” Bagel; Interior

44-Page Objection Notes “Character of the Block”; Block Has Been Changing Since 1898 Manhattan Resident Forms “Community” to Oppose New Building;

The Cat Has Never Had to Explain a Vote, Councillor Notes, Fairly Queens Bodega Cat Receives More Instagram Followers Than Local

Everything I Need Is Here, He Says, from the Bronx Bronx Man Has Not Left the Bronx in Seven Years; Does

Artist Had Been Sleeping in Trash Bags as Part of Installation; Collection Deemed “Successful” NYC Department of Sanitation Accidentally Collects a

Piece Published in Three Parts; Theatre District Notes Uptick in Ticket Sales New York Man Writes 4,000-Word Op-Ed Explaining Why He

Real-Time Tracking Feature Coming in Q4, Which Is the Fourth Quarter of an Unspecified Year MTA Announces New Subway App; App

It Was Different When I Moved Here in 2019, He Adds Brooklyn Man Describes Neighbourhood as “Undiscovered” Despite Three Vice Articles

Context Is Important, Says Aide; Context Begins After Context Ends NYC Mayor Holds Press Conference About Crime Stats; Crime Stats Not

Fitness Tracker Registers “Active Minutes”; Brain Registers “Still Anxious” Central Park Jogger Completes 14th Lap; Still Unsure If This Counts as

Santa charged the peak rate for a nine-reindeer vehicle, with a surcharge for entering below 60th Street No Vehicle Is Exempt NEW

Inspectors cite the volume of consumption but praise Saint Nick’s commitment to hand-washing between chimneys A Grade in the Window NEW YORK

Saint Nick and a Lower East Side bodega cat reach an accord granting mutual respect and one bag of chips A

Park Avenue building informs Saint Nick that his finances, references, and board interview remain under review The Most Exclusive Chimney in

City’s rodent expert says the elves’ candy-based economy was, in hindsight, an obvious mistake An Unlikely Consultation NEW YORK — In a

Officials struggle to determine whether a descending ball or a departing sleigh has the right of way A Scheduling Conflict for

North Pole satellite office now operates from a converted loft and refuses to make eye contact with tourists The North Pole

Officers concede the goods were free but maintain that distribution itself requires the proper paperwork The Letter of the Law NEW YORK

Saint Nick spends ninety minutes in a stalled sleigh as a garbled announcement blames an incident at an earlier station A

Santa receives three summonses for a vehicle that was, by all accounts, airborne at the time of the alleged violations A

Parents, Pitchforks, and the Public School Plot to Make First Graders "Fabulous" By the Women at Bohiney.com – Satire That Smells

Industry Observers Note Runway Collections Increasingly Designed for Photography Rather Than Human Bodies New York Fashion Week Produces 200 Outfits No

Daily Commuter Confirms He Has Never Disembarked in Manhattan, Treating Free Ferry as Thirty-Minute Respite from Everything Staten Island Ferry Rider

Award-Winning Soul Food Institution Shutters After Rent Increase Driven Partly by Its Own Reputation Harlem Restaurant Rated Best in New York

311 System Processes 47,000 Wind Chime Complaints Annually, Resolving Approximately Twelve Queens Man Files 311 Wind Chime Complaint, Receives Response Fourteen

Department of Transportation Releases Comprehensive Road Repair Schedule That Begins Immediately After the Current Schedule Expires NYC Announces Plan to Fix

Real-Time Delay Notification System Praised for Unprecedented Accuracy in Reporting Events That Have Already Occurred MTA Unveils New App That Tells

New Study Finds Average Studio in Midtown Now Costs 94 Percent of Median Income, Leaving Tenants Six Percent for Everything

Neighbourhood That Inspired the Brand Now Accessible Only as Day Trip Destination for Shop’s Own Employees Brooklyn Artisanal Pickle Shop Opens

Legislation Would Replace Historic Street Names With Honourees Selected by a Committee Chaired by the Legislation’s Author City Council Member Proposes

$2.1 Million Cycle Infrastructure Project Serves Zero Cyclists on Opening Day Due to Presence of Entire Street’s Worth of Parked

The Spy Who Came in from the Screen: Spy Fiction Is Real... How Fictional Espionage Leaked into Reality and Nobody Noticed