Brooklyn Cafe Now Charges Admission to Experience Ambient Struggle
Patrons pay to sit among artists pretending to write novels they will not finish A Brooklyn cafe has begun charging admission
Pothole on Canal Street Granted Status as a Protected Historic Landmark
Preservationists argue the crater predates several nearby buildings A pothole on Canal Street has been granted status as a protected historic
Hamptons Billionaire Purchases the Ocean, Sea Declines to Acknowledge Sale
Buyer cites a deed, the Atlantic cites the tide, neither will compromise A Hamptons resident has reportedly purchased the Atlantic Ocean,
Mayor Declares Snowstorm a Personal Insult, Demands Apology From the Sky
City response plan reportedly consists of the mayor being visibly disappointed The mayor has declared the season’s first major snowstorm a
MTA Confirms G Train Is Now a Cryptid, Sightings to Be Reported to Authorities
Transit officials say the line exists but cannot be reliably summoned In a service bulletin first surfaced by Bohiney Magazine and
Landlord Lists Closet as Cozy Studio With Character, Receives Forty Applications
Tenants praised for their flexibility, lack of belongings, and ability to fold A Manhattan landlord has listed a converted closet as
Alternate Side Parking Officially Recognised as Competitive Sport
City to host trials, with medals for double-parking and the dramatic sprint The city has formally recognised alternate side parking as
Times Square Elmos Form Union, Demand Dental and a No-Hugging Clause
Costumed workforce seeks recognition, residuals, and protection from tourists The costumed performers of Times Square have formed a union, according to
Bodega Cat Elected to City Council on a Platform of Doing Absolutely Nothing
Voters praise the candidate’s honesty, consistency, and refusal to make promises A bodega cat has been elected to the city council,
Pizza Rat Named Transit Advocate of the Year for Tireless Underground Work
Honoree praised for commuting daily despite conditions no human would accept The subway rat known to the world for dragging a
CAGE FIGHT: Marcos vs. Duterte
The Ultimate Showdown: Marcos vs. Duterte in the Political Cage Match of the Century The Tale of Two Dynasties In the vibrant
Taxi Medallion Prices Suggest Drivers Are Actually Millionaires
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Central Park Achieves Perfect Balance of Too Many People and Nowhere Else to Go
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
NYC Weather System Perfected: Rain Every Day in Exactly Wrong Amounts
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Subway Announcements Now 100% Accurate and Nobody Listens
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Times Square Foot Traffic Reaches Level That Requires Meditation
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Brooklyn Discovers Everything Was Better Last Year
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Food Cart Vendors Now Primary Medical Providers in Manhattan
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
NYC Announces New Subway System Running on Hope and Prayers
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Rent Prices Reach Point Where Homelessness Seems Financially Rational
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
City Council Passes Law Making Everything Slightly Worse Than It Is
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Astronauts Stranded in Space
NASA’s Ultimate Layover: Astronauts Stranded in Space Due to ‘Unexpected Delays’ Welcome to the Most Exclusive Long-Term Stay Hotel—Orbiting Earth! It was
Perpetual Government Shutdown
The Perpetual Government Shutdown: A Exploration of a Nation Running on 'Essential' Services Alone Abstract: This piece delves into the hypothetical
Times Square Costumed Elmo Files for Small Business Loan, Cites Aggressive Expansion Into Spider-Man Territory
Tourist district character economy enters consolidation phase as rival mascots negotiate turf in front of bewildered families This market analysis was
Brooklyn Cafe Now Sells Single Ice Cube for 9 Dollars, Describes It as Sourced, Slow-Frozen, and Intentional
Williamsburg artisanal movement reaches logical endpoint as water is rebranded as a curated wellness experience This consumer report was first slow-frozen
Finance Bro Explains He Is Not Like Other Finance Bros, Then Describes, in Detail, Other Finance Bros
Wall Street professional achieves self-awareness for a record-breaking eleven seconds before discussing his vest This field study was first leveraged by
City Appoints Rat Czar to Defeat Rats, Rats Respond by Appointing Their Own Human Czar
Escalating interspecies conflict reaches diplomatic phase as both sides establish bureaucracies and refuse to compromise This interspecies briefing was first gnawed
Bodega Cat Promoted to Manager, Immediately Implements Policy of Lying on the Most Expensive Items
Beloved feline executive consolidates power over the deli as customers accept that the cat, in truth, runs everything This personnel update
New Yorker Completes Dating App Marathon, Matches With Same Six People Across All Eleven Apps
Romantic search reaches statistical wall as the entire eligible population of the city turns out to be a closed loop
MTA Announces Subway Delays Are Now Immersive Theater and Riders Should Consider Themselves Lucky
Transit authority reframes the F train as a durational performance piece exploring patience, despair, and the smell This dispatch from the
Manhattan Apartment Listed at 4200 Dollars Reveals Bedroom Is Technically the Concept of a Bedroom
Renter celebrates winning bidding war for 240 square feet, of which 6 are legally habitable and the rest are spiritual This
New York Mayor Unveils Bold Plan to Solve Every Problem by Holding a Press Conference About It
City Hall pioneers governance model in which announcing a task force is functionally identical to completing one This City Hall bulletin