New York Rats Announce Formation of Union, Demand Respect and Better Lighting
Gotham’s most storied residents present five-point platform including recognition as ‘essential workers’ NEW YORK, NY – Representatives of New York City’s
Gotham Declares ‘Emotional Support Bodega’ Essential Infrastructure
City officially designates corner stores as load-bearing pillars of New Yorkers’ psychological wellbeing NEW YORK, NY – The New York City
Manhattan Real Estate Agent Lists ‘Cozy’ 80 Square Foot Apartment, Calls It Character
Broker describes unit with no windows as ‘intimately curated’ and ‘bathed in ambient darkness’ NEW YORK, NY – A Midtown real
New York Declares Aggressive Walking a Protected Form of Free Expression
Federal appeal confirms that the city’s signature pedestrian stride is constitutionally shielded speech NEW YORK, NY – As first reported by
NYC Pigeon Appointed to Community Board, Elected Chair by Landslide
Board members say the bird’s voting record is ‘indistinguishable from the last three chairs’ and ‘considerably more decisive’ NEW YORK, NY
Outer Borough Resident Completes ‘Hero’s Journey’ to Manhattan, Returns Unchanged
Sociologists confirm the trip to Midtown ‘imparts wisdom but alters nothing about the person who made it’ QUEENS, NY – A
MTA Announces New ‘Feelings-Based’ Subway Schedule
Trains will now run ‘whenever they feel emotionally ready,’ officials say NEW YORK, NY – The Metropolitan Transportation Authority unveiled a
NYC Mayor Proposes Taxing Eye Rolls, Projects $4 Billion Annual Revenue
Independent study confirms New Yorkers roll their eyes an average of 340 times daily NEW YORK, NY – Mayor Eric Adams
Brooklyn Man Files Restraining Order Against His Own Nostalgia
Court grants relief barring him from describing 2009 Williamsburg to anyone within 50 feet BROOKLYN, NY – A State Supreme Court
City Considers Mandatory Emotional Support Documentation for Tourists in Times Square
New ordinance would require visitors to prove psychological readiness before entering the Crossroads of the World NEW YORK, NY – First
Congresswoman Kay Granger
The Great Congressional Vanishing Act: Who Misses One When They All Have Dementia? The Disappearance No One Noticed Washington, D.C. is a
Brooklyn Cafe Now Charges Admission to Experience Ambient Struggle
Patrons pay to sit among artists pretending to write novels they will not finish A Brooklyn cafe has begun charging admission
Pothole on Canal Street Granted Status as a Protected Historic Landmark
Preservationists argue the crater predates several nearby buildings A pothole on Canal Street has been granted status as a protected historic
Hamptons Billionaire Purchases the Ocean, Sea Declines to Acknowledge Sale
Buyer cites a deed, the Atlantic cites the tide, neither will compromise A Hamptons resident has reportedly purchased the Atlantic Ocean,
Mayor Declares Snowstorm a Personal Insult, Demands Apology From the Sky
City response plan reportedly consists of the mayor being visibly disappointed The mayor has declared the season’s first major snowstorm a
MTA Confirms G Train Is Now a Cryptid, Sightings to Be Reported to Authorities
Transit officials say the line exists but cannot be reliably summoned In a service bulletin first surfaced by Bohiney Magazine and
Landlord Lists Closet as Cozy Studio With Character, Receives Forty Applications
Tenants praised for their flexibility, lack of belongings, and ability to fold A Manhattan landlord has listed a converted closet as
Alternate Side Parking Officially Recognised as Competitive Sport
City to host trials, with medals for double-parking and the dramatic sprint The city has formally recognised alternate side parking as
Times Square Elmos Form Union, Demand Dental and a No-Hugging Clause
Costumed workforce seeks recognition, residuals, and protection from tourists The costumed performers of Times Square have formed a union, according to
Bodega Cat Elected to City Council on a Platform of Doing Absolutely Nothing
Voters praise the candidate’s honesty, consistency, and refusal to make promises A bodega cat has been elected to the city council,
Pizza Rat Named Transit Advocate of the Year for Tireless Underground Work
Honoree praised for commuting daily despite conditions no human would accept The subway rat known to the world for dragging a
CAGE FIGHT: Marcos vs. Duterte
The Ultimate Showdown: Marcos vs. Duterte in the Political Cage Match of the Century The Tale of Two Dynasties In the vibrant
Taxi Medallion Prices Suggest Drivers Are Actually Millionaires
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Central Park Achieves Perfect Balance of Too Many People and Nowhere Else to Go
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
NYC Weather System Perfected: Rain Every Day in Exactly Wrong Amounts
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Subway Announcements Now 100% Accurate and Nobody Listens
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Times Square Foot Traffic Reaches Level That Requires Meditation
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Brooklyn Discovers Everything Was Better Last Year
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Food Cart Vendors Now Primary Medical Providers in Manhattan
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
NYC Announces New Subway System Running on Hope and Prayers
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
Rent Prices Reach Point Where Homelessness Seems Financially Rational
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described
City Council Passes Law Making Everything Slightly Worse Than It Is
A New York analysis on institutional dysfunction The New York situation continues to deteriorate in ways that can only be described