Mayor Solves Housing Crisis by Renaming Sidewalks Outdoor Lofts
City reclassifies pavement as premium open-concept living space The mayor unveiled a bold solution to the city’s housing crisis this week,
Williamsburg Cafe Now Charges Admission Just to Read the Menu
Brooklyn establishment introduces cover charge for the privilege of considering a latte A Williamsburg cafe has introduced a controversial new policy
City Introduces Congestion Pricing for Walking, Breathing, and Standing Still
New tolls target pedestrians, loiterers, and people simply existing in Midtown Building on the success of its vehicle congestion pricing program,
Costumed Times Square Elmo Unionizes, Demands Hazard Pay for Tourist Hugs
Plush-suited workforce organizes for dental, mental health, and personal space The costumed characters of Times Square, long a fixture of the
Hedge Fund Achieves Sentience, Immediately Shorts Itself
Wall Street algorithm becomes self-aware, bets against its own existence A Manhattan hedge fund’s trading algorithm achieved full sentience late Tuesday
Bodega Declares Dollar Slice a Historic Landmark to Stop It Becoming Five Dollars
Pizza joint invokes preservation law to protect endangered price point A beloved New York pizza counter has taken the extraordinary step
Central Park Pigeons File for Landmark Status as Original Residents
Flock claims ancestral rights predating every condo and coffee shop The pigeons of Central Park have filed a formal petition for
City Names Rat to Cabinet Position After Realizing It Already Runs Everything
Long-serving rodent formalized as Deputy Mayor for Operations City Hall made history this week by formally appointing a rat to a
Manhattan Landlord Lists Closet as Cozy Studio With Natural Wood Accents
The wood accent is a broom; the natural light is a rumor A Manhattan landlord set a new benchmark in real-estate
MTA Reclassifies Subway Delays as Extended Sightseeing Opportunities
Riders stuck between stations now described as enjoying the tunnel’s rich heritage The Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced a transformative new policy
Non-Player Characters
“Press X to Be Offended”: The Rise of Progressive NPCs in the Side-Quest of Society Welcome to the Non-Player Characters Open-World
AI vs Superheroes and Cartoon Characters
Breaking News: Fair Use Doctrine Enlists Superheroes and Cartoon Characters in Epic Battle Against AI Overlords In a plot twist worthy
New Yorker Walks Four Blocks, Considers It a Pilgrimage
A Manhattan resident has recounted a harrowing journey to a restaurant slightly outside his neighborhood NEW YORK – A Manhattan resident
NYC Pizza Place Charges 12 Dollars for Slice, Cites ‘Inflation of the Soul’
A beloved Manhattan pizzeria has defended its price hike with a sweeping metaphysical argument NEW YORK – A long-running Manhattan pizzeria
Manhattan Office Mandates Return to Work, Building No Longer Exists
Executives demanding employees come back to the office face the complication that the office has been demolished NEW YORK – A
NYC Bodega Cat Promoted to Management, Sales Increase 30 Percent
A beloved Manhattan bodega has handed operational control to its resident feline, with remarkable results NEW YORK – A Manhattan bodega
Times Square Costumed Characters Unionize, Elmo Elected President
The performers who roam Times Square have formed a labor organization with surprisingly fierce internal politics NEW YORK – The costumed
MTA Announces Trains Will Now Run on a Concept of Time
Transit officials unveil a revolutionary schedule based on intentions rather than the rigid tyranny of clocks NEW YORK – The Metropolitan
Manhattan Apartment Listed at 4 Million Dollars Described as ‘Cozy’
A 280-square-foot studio with no windows has hit the market, and the broker insists it has tremendous character NEW YORK –
Brooklyn Coffee Shop Now Requires Customers to Explain Themselves
A new Williamsburg cafe has instituted a rigorous philosophical interview before serving any beverage NEW YORK – A new coffee shop
NYC Rats Form Tenants Association, Demand Recognition
The city rodent population has organized to assert what it calls long-overdue residential rights NEW YORK – In an unprecedented development,
Wall Street Firm Replaces Analysts With a Magic 8-Ball, Profits Soar
A major investment bank reports record returns after switching its entire research division to a single toy NEW YORK – A
New Yorker Walks Forty Blocks To Avoid One Transfer, Calls It Faster
Resident’s elaborate pedestrian route defended as superior to the subway Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. Commuter
Rat Spotted Carrying Slice Of Pizza Larger Than Itself, Promoted To Folk Hero
City rallies behind ambitious rodent’s display of determination Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. Determined Rodent Inspires
Coffee Shop Adds Surcharge For Customers Who Make Eye Contact
Establishment monetizes the rare act of human acknowledgment Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. Cafe Introduces Premium
Landlord Raises Rent For Tenant Who Successfully Got The Heat Fixed
Property owner cites improved living conditions as grounds for increase Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. Tenant
Tourist Stands On Left Side Of Escalator, City Grinds To A Halt
Single violation of sacred subway code triggers metropolitan crisis Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. One Visitor’s
City Declares War On Itself After Two Agencies Issue Contradictory Permits
Municipal departments reach bureaucratic stalemate over single street corner Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. One Department
Subway Announcer Achieves Perfect Unintelligibility After Years Of Practice
Transit veteran reaches a career milestone of total incomprehensibility Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. Conductor Praised
Manhattan Apartment Listed As Cozy Found To Be A Closet With Ambitions
Real estate listing’s optimistic language tested against physical reality Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. Prospective Tenants
Bodega Cat Promoted To Management After Years Of Loyal Service
Beloved feline assumes leadership role at neighborhood institution Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. Longtime Employee Recognized
City Installs New Bike Lane, Immediately Fills It With Parked Police Cars
Freshly painted cycling infrastructure repurposed within hours Reporting brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat. Cyclists Note That The