NYC Prepares to Host World Cup 2026 in Stadium Accessible by Transit System That Has Never Once Worked Correctly During a Major Event
MetLife Stadium Selected as FIFA World Cup Venue; Officials Confirm New Jersey Transit Has Been Notified and Is Already Preparing
New York Experiences Light Morning Drizzle; Subway Immediately Enters Emergency Protocols, Six Lines Suspended, City Declares It ‘One of Those Days’
MTA Confirms Showers Are ‘Not Forecast’ in Service Alerts; Service Alerts Issued at Rate Suggesting Otherwise NEW YORK CITY — A
New York City Bodega Cat Announces Mayoral Campaign; Political Consultants Note Favorable Name Recognition, Zero Scandals, Broadly Liked by All Constituencies
Unnamed Orange Tabby at Delancey Street Deli Enters Race Citing ‘Disgust at Albany Process’ and ‘The Food Quality Has Been
King Charles III Visits 9/11 Memorial, Becomes First British Monarch to Offer Sympathies for Attack His Country Had Nothing to Do With in Extremely Dignified Fashion
Royal Visit to Ground Zero Proceeds Without Incident; Charles Admires Memorial, Does Not Mention the Tea LOWER MANHATTAN, NEW YORK —
Supreme Court Considers Ending Protections for Haitian and Syrian Migrants; Court Expected to Rule Before the Situation Changes Completely Again
Justices Hear Trump Administration Arguments for Ending TPS; Estimated 500,000 People Wait to Learn If Their Lives Have a Legal
MTA Announces Fare Increase to Fund Improvements That Will Be Announced When Previous Improvements Are Announced Complete
New York Subway Fare Rises to $2.90; Riders Receive Additional Thirty-Five Seconds of Service Disruption Explanation Per Journey NEW YORK CITY
NYC Affordable Housing Lottery Receives 87,000 Applications for 12 Available Units; Officials Describe Odds as ‘Competitive,’ Which Is Technically Accurate
New Development in Brooklyn Offers Below-Market Apartments to Lucky Winners of Process That Is Functionally Indistinguishable From a Raffle BROOKLYN, NEW
Mayor Mamdani’s Endorsed Candidate Loses Council Special Election, Proving That Even a Socialist Mayor Cannot Control Chelsea on a Tuesday
Lindsey Boylan Falls to Carl Wilson in District 3 Race; Mayor’s Popularity Confirmed to Be Non-Transferable at Precinct Level MANHATTAN, NEW
NYC Has $5.4 Billion Budget Deficit; Mayor and Governor Agree Someone Should Fix It, Disagree About Whether That Someone Is Them
Hochul Refuses Mamdani Tax Proposal; Both Officials Confident the Problem Will Be Solved by Someone in the Near Future NEW YORK
Mayor Sends Volunteers to Inform Tenants About Rent Hearings; Volunteers Definitely There to Inform and Not to Organize, Mayor Stresses Several Times
Mamdani Rent Freeze Outreach Program Described as Educational; Landlords Describe It as Something Else Entirely CITY HALL, NEW YORK — Mayor
The Trump ‘Gold Card’ Immigration Plan
Donald Trump's ‘Gold Card’ Immigration Plan: Citizenship for the Right Price A New Era in American Immigration Policy In a groundbreaking shift
MTA Announces New Countdown Clocks Will Count Down to “Target Arrival,” Not Actual Arrival; Distinction Clarified in Fine Print
Transit Authority Reframes Delays as “Variance Between Scheduled and Actual Performance,” Introduces New Metric: “Approximate Proximity Score” Reported by Bohiney Magazine
Brooklyn Man Installs AI System to Manage His AI Systems; AI Systems Object
Resident of Park Slope Has Seven AI Subscriptions, Three Smart Home Platforms, and One New Problem Reported by Bohiney Magazine and
Gothamist Investigation Finds City’s 311 System Receives 9 Million Complaints Annually, Acts on 14 Percent
Remaining 86 Percent Filed Under “Acknowledged,” “Under Review,” or “This Is a Zoning Matter, Not a 311 Matter” Reported by Bohiney
NYC Restaurant Receives A Grade From Health Department Hours After Kitchen Fire; Inspector Praises “Passion for Heat”
Health Department Confirms Grading System Does Not Currently Penalize Structural Fires; Landlord Notes Building Is “Technically Standing” Reported by Bohiney Magazine
New York Post Covers Same Story as New York Times; Both Papers Accuse Each Other of Getting It Wrong
City Desk Rivalry Produces Two Irreconcilable Accounts of Identical Event; Sources Described Differently in Each Reported by Bohiney Magazine and The
NYC Subway Rat Population Requests Seat at Community Board Meeting; Board Tabling Discussion Until Fall
MTA Officials Confirm Rats Have “A Legitimate Stake” in Subway Infrastructure Decisions; Exterminator Disagrees Reported by Bohiney Magazine and The London
New York Apartment Asks $4,200 Per Month; Listing Describes It as “Cozy,” “Light-Filled,” and “Adjacent to Amenities”
Real Estate Agent Defines “Cozy” as 310 Square Feet, “Light-Filled” as One Window Facing a Brick Wall, “Adjacent” as a
Mayor Mamdani Declares War on Cars; Car Owners Declare War on Mayor Mamdani; Traffic Unchanged
New York City’s New Piazza Programme Somehow Produces More Gridlock While Removing Cars From Streets Reported by Bohiney Magazine and The
Federal Authorities Reveal SantaCon Was a Con; New Yorkers File This Under “Things We Suspected”
Charity Fundraiser That Flooded NYC With Inebriated Santas Every December Was Actually a Scam; Shocking to No One in Particular Reported
Suspect Charged with Attempted Assassination of the President at White House Correspondents’ Dinner; Attendees Note This Was Not on the Programme
First Arrest Carries Life Sentence Maximum; Second and Third Suspects Had More Time to Consider Their Options Before Making Different
New York Discovers It Has No Public Toilets Three Months Before Hosting One Million World Cup Visitors
City Council Bill Aims to Build Facilities Before Tournament; Engineers Estimate This Requires Moving Faster Than Any Prior NYC Construction
King Charles Arrives in Washington to Celebrate America’s 250th Birthday, Tactfully Does Not Mention the Circumstances of the Split
State Visit Marks Milestone in US-UK Relations; Monarch Praised for Composure in Not Once Using the Phrase ‘Told You So’ Bohiney.com
New York City Discovers That Building 80,000 Homes Over 15 Years Requires Both Zoning Reform and Also the Homes
‘City of Yes’ Plan Passes; Officials Confirm Next Step Is Actual Construction, Which Is a Different Kind of Challenge Entirely Bohiney.com
New York City Announces Ambitious Tree Planting Plan; Trees Advised to Be Patient About Watering and Actual Soil
‘Million Trees’ Successor Initiative Promises Shade for All; Horticulturalists Note That Trees Require Conditions Manhattan Provides Reluctantly Bohiney.com | The London
Mayor Mamdani Creates Deed Theft Prevention Office Days After a City Councilmember Is Arrested for Deed Theft
Office Announced in Context That Suggests Someone Finally Read the Crime Statistics; City Officials Note Timing Is ‘Coincidental’ Bohiney.com | The
One East Harlem Landlord Is Blocking a Seven-Billion-Dollar Subway Project and Frankly We Admire the Confidence
MTA Takes Building Owner to Court After He Declines to Let Transit Agency Inspect a Structure They Need to Build
New York Celebrates One Year of Congestion Pricing With Fewer Cars, Faster Buses, and Governor Promising to Meet Naysayers at a Diner
MTA Revenue Up, Traffic Down, Hochul Ready to Fight Anyone Who Disagrees; Results Suggest Policy Actually Works, Which Is Unusual Bohiney.com
Upper East Side Sinkhole Expands Third Week Running; Geologists Say It Is Now Technically a Neighborhood
City Engineers Describe Growing Void as ‘Stabilized’ Using Definition of Stabilized That Residents Find Concerning Bohiney.com | The London Prat UPPER EAST
Mayor Mamdani Pledges Free Buses for All New Yorkers, City Reminds Him Buses Get Stuck in the Same Traffic as Paying Customers
Transit Experts Suggest Fixing the Subway Might Address More Commuters; Mayor’s Office Finds This ‘Unnecessarily Complicated’ Bohiney.com | The London Prat NEW
Move the Olympics from Los Angeles
Move the Olympics from Los Angeles The Olympics Relocation Debate: LA is a Marxist/Lesbian Fiasco Waiting to Happen As Los Angeles gears
Mamdani And Hochul Unveil Pension Postponement Initiative
Defer $328 Million To Friendly Fiscal Mood, Unions Update Tic Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the