New York Fashion Week Produces 200 Outfits No One Will Wear and 40,000 Social Media Posts About It
Industry Observers Note Runway Collections Increasingly Designed for Photography Rather Than Human Bodies New York Fashion Week Produces 200 Outfits No
Staten Island Ferry Rider Completes 12,000th Crossing, Still Not Sure What Is on the Other Side
Daily Commuter Confirms He Has Never Disembarked in Manhattan, Treating Free Ferry as Thirty-Minute Respite from Everything Staten Island Ferry Rider
Harlem Restaurant Rated Best in New York by Every Publication Closes Due to Inability to Afford Harlem
Award-Winning Soul Food Institution Shutters After Rent Increase Driven Partly by Its Own Reputation Harlem Restaurant Rated Best in New York
Queens Man Files Formal Complaint About Neighbour’s Wind Chimes, Receives Response Fourteen Months Later
311 System Processes 47,000 Wind Chime Complaints Annually, Resolving Approximately Twelve Queens Man Files 311 Wind Chime Complaint, Receives Response Fourteen
New York City Announces Plan to Fix Every Pothole by 2027, Forgets It Said Same Thing in 2019, 2021, and 2023
Department of Transportation Releases Comprehensive Road Repair Schedule That Begins Immediately After the Current Schedule Expires NYC Announces Plan to Fix
MTA Unveils New App That Tells You Exactly How Late Your Train Already Is
Real-Time Delay Notification System Praised for Unprecedented Accuracy in Reporting Events That Have Already Occurred MTA Unveils New App That Tells
Manhattan Rent Reaches Level Where Residents Must Choose Between Apartment and Eating Both
New Study Finds Average Studio in Midtown Now Costs 94 Percent of Median Income, Leaving Tenants Six Percent for Everything
Brooklyn Artisanal Pickle Shop Opens Seventh Location, Entire Staff Can Still Not Afford to Live in Brooklyn
Neighbourhood That Inspired the Brand Now Accessible Only as Day Trip Destination for Shop’s Own Employees Brooklyn Artisanal Pickle Shop Opens
City Council Member Proposes Renaming Every Avenue in Manhattan After Local Heroes, Beginning With Himself
Legislation Would Replace Historic Street Names With Honourees Selected by a Committee Chaired by the Legislation’s Author City Council Member Proposes
Bronx Residents Report New Bike Lane Installed on Street That Has No Bicycles
$2.1 Million Cycle Infrastructure Project Serves Zero Cyclists on Opening Day Due to Presence of Entire Street’s Worth of Parked
Spy Fiction Is Real. But Way Dumber.
The Spy Who Came in from the Screen: Spy Fiction Is Real... How Fictional Espionage Leaked into Reality and Nobody Noticed
MTA Fare Hits $3.00 Even, Economists Officially Abandon Pizza Principle as Slice Now Costs $4.50
Federal Reserve Economists Acknowledge 60-Year Correlation Between Subway Ride and Cheese Slice Has Collapsed Beyond Repair, Replace It With Halal
Wichita Falls Socialist Rally!
Wichita Falls: Four Angry Marxists and a Tumbleweed The Great Wichita Falls Socialist Rally WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS — In what experts are
Williamsburg Barista Writes 4,000-Word Essay on Why He Poured Your Coffee That Way
The Untold Method appears on Medium; shop owner asks him to maybe also mention the hours are 7am to 6pm
Bronx Man Sues Subway for Emotional Harm After Train Arrives Exactly on Schedule
Plaintiff claims forty years of late arrivals created reasonable expectation of lateness; punctuality was a breach of established precedent Bronx Man
Staten Island Man Wins Annual Argument About Whether Staten Island Counts as New York City
Seventeen-year debate with brother-in-law resolved by Wikipedia edit later reverted; man claims moral victory regardless Staten Island Man Wins Annual Argument
Upper West Side Co-op Board Rejects Buyer for Having ‘Insufficiently Specific’ Five-Year Plan
Board cites vagueness in applicant’s professional trajectory and ‘a somewhat ambiguous position on roof terrace access’ in formal rejection letter Upper
NYC Installs 400 Signs Explaining Why the Previous 400 Signs Were Confusing
DOT commissioner calls meta-signage rollout a bold commitment to clarity as pedestrians report confusion about the new confusion signs NYC Installs
MTA Announces Historic On-Time Record; Defines ‘On Time’ as Arriving Same Day as Scheduled
Transit authority revises punctuality metric to calendar-day precision after achieving 99.7 percent same-day service for October MTA Announces Historic On-Time Performance
NYC Council Votes to Make Manhattan a No Honking Zone; Honking Immediately Increases 40 Percent
City honking ordinance triggers what transportation psychologists call the prohibition effect and what drivers call ‘what prohibition’ NYC Council Votes to
Brooklyn Man Spends Four Hours Explaining Why His Neighbourhood Is Better Than Every Other Neighbourhood
Panel discussion at Park Slope Food Coop devolves into comparative borough ranking system with no agreed methodology and one agreed
Gotham Introduces ‘Emotional Bypass’ on 311 App Allowing Complaints to Be Filed Directly With the Universe
New feature routes grievances about taxi drivers, loud neighbours, and general New York City existence to a spiritual escalation queue
New York City Declares Itself Greatest City in the World for 2,847th Consecutive Year
Annual ceremony at City Hall marks unbroken streak; runner-up cities note they were not consulted and were not aware a
Times Square Tourist Survives Full Day Without Help From New Yorker
Remarkable self-sufficiency displayed despite navigational confusion; city dwellers confirm assistance not their job Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Achievement NEW YORK —
New York Comedy Scene Declares Itself the Best; Rest of World Yet to Be Consulted
Manhattan comedy clubs issue joint statement; Los Angeles, London, Melbourne register mild objection Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Statement NEW YORK —
Central Park In June: Every Activity Simultaneously, No One Disturbed
843 acres hosts marathon training, picnicking, tai chi, dog walking, and diplomatic incident without incident Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Park
New Yorkers Defend Their Pizza to Visiting Chicago Resident; Hearing Scheduled
Inter-city pizza dispute escalates to city council resolution; deep dish designated ‘casserole’ formally Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Incident NEW YORK —
New York Mayor Announces Plan to Fix Subway; Subway Responds By Being the Subway
City Hall unveils 47-point transit improvement initiative; MTA issues 48 delays before lunch Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Plan, In Overview NEW
Manhattan Rent Reaches Level Where Math No Longer Applies
Average one-bedroom now requires income that presupposes multiple overlapping careers Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Numbers NEW YORK — Average rents for
New York Bagel Declared Heritage Food; Outsiders Still Getting It Wrong
Official city designation follows 140 years of excellence; tourists continue ordering with cream cheese on the inside Satire from Bohiney.com and
Gotham Rats Achieve Formal Recognition; MTA Studies Possibility of Revenue Share
City’s rodent population reaches organizational maturity; mayor’s office proposes Rat Czar expansion Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Rat Situation, as of
Wall Street Has Best Week Since Last Week; Analysts Declare Things Going Well
S&P 500 within 1.3% of all-time high after oil price drops; economists deploy cautious optimism Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Week