Williamsburg Gentrification Milestone Marker Project Achieves Sufficient Funding To Begin Initial Installation Phase
After two years of fundraising, the project has achieved sufficient funding to begin installing what the project organisers call substantively
NYC Garbage Strike Contingency Planning Working Group Reports Substantively Improved Operational Readiness Following Three Year Preparation Period
After three years of contingency planning, the working group has reported substantively improved municipal readiness for what officials characterise as
NYPD Parade Route Logistics Working Group Reports Substantively Improved Pothole Avoidance Across Manhattan Parade Routes
After three years of complaints about parade route conditions, the working group has reported substantively measurable progress on what officials
Manhattan Elevator Etiquette Enforcement Pilot Program Reports Mixed Operational Outcomes Across First Six Months
After six months of operation in three Midtown buildings, the elevator etiquette enforcement pilot has reported substantively mixed operational outcomes
NYC School District Lottery Algorithm Achieves Substantially Higher Sophistication Than Most Parents Can Effectively Navigate
After three years of operational refinement, the school placement lottery algorithm has achieved a level of sophistication that has, in
Brooklyn Coffee Shop Nomenclature Standardization Committee Achieves Sufficient Membership To Convene First Meeting
After 14 months of preparatory work, the Brooklyn Coffee Shop Nomenclature Standardization Committee has reached sufficient membership to convene its
NYC Bodega Cat Workforce Census Achieves Substantially Higher Population Count Than Earlier Estimates Had Suggested
After 18 months of systematic field observation, the New York City Bodega Cat Census Project has reported a population substantially
MTA Subway Announcement System Substantively Revised To Acknowledge Riders Have Already Heard This
After 47 years of substantively repetitive announcement protocols, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority has unveiled a revised announcement framework that incorporates
NYC Restaurant Reservation App Adds New Tier For Reservations You Are Definitely Not Getting
Resy has unveiled a substantively expanded reservation tier framework that includes formal acknowledgment of restaurants whose reservations the app’s typical
Central Park Bench Dispute Mediation Board Achieves Operational Caseload Sufficient To Warrant Permanent Institutional Status
After three years of operating as a temporary advisory body, the Central Park Conservancy bench dispute mediation function has accumulated
Texas Measles Outbreak
The Texas Measles Outbreak: A Convenient Virus with Border Security Aspirations It's a Ruse To Keep Mexicans At Home Out of
Gaslight Your Metabolism
Scientists Crack the Code: How to Gaslight Your Metabolism into Weight Loss The Revolutionary New Science of Tricking Your Own Body In
Citi Bike Rider Navigates Entire Manhattan Grid Without Being Doored, Honked at Fewer Than Eleven Times
Statisticians Confirm Event Is Historically Anomalous, Rider Describes It as ‘Actually Fine, Mostly’ The Perfect Ride: A Statistical Impossibility Achieved on
New York’s Last Affordable Diner Closes, Replaced by ‘American Comfort Cuisine Concept’ at Three Times the Price
Regulars Who Paid Six Dollars for Eggs and Toast for Thirty Years Now Invited to Pay Eighteen Dollars for ‘Heritage
Outer Borough Resident Completes Manhattan Errand in Under Two Hours, Briefly Considered Moving There
Successful Trip to Midtown Produces Unprecedented Optimism That Lasts Until Resident Checks Real Estate Website on Train Home The Productive Manhattan
New York Times Publishes 6,000-Word Investigation Into Why New Yorkers Are Unhappy, New Yorkers Respond by Being Unhappy About It
Pulitzer-Eligible Longform Piece Confirms City’s Residents Are Stressed, Expensive-to-House, and Annoyed by the Coverage Six Thousand Words on Why New York
Astoria Residents Petition to Keep Neighborhood ‘Authentic’ After Realizing They Are the Gentrifiers
Community Board Meeting Devolves Into Philosophical Crisis as 2016 Arrivals Organize Against 2022 Arrivals The Authenticity Defense: When the Newcomers Organize
New York City Declares Rats a Protected Species Following Discovery They Are the Only Thing Keeping Exterminator Industry Afloat
Mayor’s Office Confirms Pest Control Sector Employs More New Yorkers Than Previously Understood, Ecosystem Review Underway The Rat: New York’s Most
Brooklyn Brunch Menu Requires Two Pages to Explain Eggs
Williamsburg Restaurant’s Weekend Menu Lists Seventeen Variations on the Egg, Each Sourced From a Named Bird The Egg Problem: When Sourcing
NYC Council Passes Resolution Condemning Something That Is Technically Not the Council’s Jurisdiction
Elected Body Takes Historic Stand on Issue Managed Entirely by State Agency, Calls It ‘Sending a Message’ The Symbolic Resolution: New
MTA Announces Historic Service Improvements, Adds Ninth Reminder That the L Train Might Still Be Delayed
Transit Authority Celebrates Record Capital Investment by Explaining Which Improvements You Still Cannot Rely On The MTA’s Best Year Ever (Asterisk
Midtown Manhattan Real Estate Developer Describes Demolishing 1920s Building as ‘Honoring Its Legacy’
Forty-Story Glass Tower to Replace Beaux-Arts Structure That Developer Confirms He Has ‘Nothing But Respect For’ The Legacy-Honoring Demolition: A New
Inside the Signal Leak
Inside the Signal Leak: National Security by Group Chat and the Rise of the MAGA Fratboy Lexicon WASHINGTON, D.C. – If
New App Translates Toddler Speak; Parents Still Pretend to Understand
New App: Toddlers’ Hidden Agendas Finally Revealed From Pancake Betrayals to Sarcasm, Parents Get the Real Story By Babette Chatterly, Parenting Correspondent BOSTON,
NYC Marathon Adds ‘Conceptual Division’ for Runners Who Agree to Consider, but Not Physically Run, the 26.2-Mile Course
NYRR caps inaugural division at 4,400 entrants; 13-time finisher calls move ‘an insult to the toenails’ The New York Road Runners
NYC Department of Health Classifies 14,000 Bodega Cats as ‘Essential Urban Infrastructure’; Compensation Payable in Tuna
DOHMH retroactively recognizes decades of mouse abatement labor; bodega owner: ‘For thirty-one years they have looked away from Lavinia’ The New
NYC Council Reclassifies City’s 3 Million Rats as ‘Borough Residents’; Limited Voting Privileges and Library Cards Included
Council member: ‘They have been here longer than most of us’; voting to be conducted via ‘behavioral indicator’ methodology The New
NYC Yellow Cab Commission Rolls Out ‘Narrated Ride’ Premium Tier; Drivers Now Compensated for In-Ride Podcast Commentary
TLC formalizes ‘the city’s most consistent unrecorded podcast genre’; drivers complete 14-hour editorial training The New York City Taxi and Limousine
Manhattan Co-op Boards Adopt Mandatory 4-Hour ‘Essence Reveal Interview’ for Prospective Buyers
Council Chair: ‘The financial disclosures were always the easy part’; coaching market emerges with $3,800 prep packages The Manhattan Council of
Brooklyn Studio Listing Requires Three-Round ‘Vibe Interview’ Before Showing; Rejected Applicants Include ‘Several Surgeons’
Williamsburg broker insists $4,200/month studio is ‘looking for spiritual compatibility, not just credit history’ A Brooklyn rental listing for a 287-square-foot
Times Square Costumed Characters Form Union; Local 1776 Demands ‘Hug Equity’ and Photo-Op Royalties
NLRB confirms historic vote among Elmos, eleven Spider-Men, various Statues of Liberty, and one resident Cookie Monster The roughly 380 costumed
NYC Restaurant Tipping Reaches 47% Default; New Tip Screens Include ‘Atmospheric Gratuity’ and ‘Spirit of the Room’ Charge
Greenwich Village owner insists 47% reflects ‘the true cost of care’; consumer advocates question whether ‘spirit of the room’ is