The Talking Stage of Relationships: America’s Favorite Emotional Timeshare Scam
How Long Should You Talk to Someone Before Dating? Psychology Declares ‘Forever’
By SpinTaxi Magazine’s Emotionally Available Interns
Introduction: Welcome to the Romantic DMV Line
In the 21st century, love begins not with a kiss, a glance, or even a dating app swipe. It begins with a ping—followed by 7 weeks of texting, 4 Spotify playlists, 3 “u up?” messages, 2 accidental FaceTime calls, and 1 ghosting.
This isn’t dating. This is the talking stage of relationships—an endless, thrilling, torturous limbo where romance is a rumor and commitment is a myth, like Bigfoot but with more emojis.
If you’ve ever told someone, “We’re just talking,” congratulations—you’ve been drafted into the United States Department of Unofficial Emotional Affairs.
What Exactly Is the Talking Stage?
The talking stage is a romantic purgatory where two people flirt, bond, and trauma-dump on each other without actually dating. You’re not a couple, but you talk daily. You share memes, zodiac charts, and subtle thirst traps. You may even call each other “bestie” while eyeing each other’s jawlines like forensic artists.
As Dr. Kendall Spoone of the University of Minnesota says, “It’s like a trial subscription to love. It auto-renews unless canceled, and no one remembers signing up.”
The 15 Realities of the Talking Stage
“We’re just vibing.”
Translation: “We’ve discussed childhood trauma, but I refuse to make eye contact in public.”
“I’m not ready for a relationship.”
Said mid-cuddle, post-rant about an ex, while wearing your hoodie.
The Texting Olympics
Competing to see who can reply the slowest and still look interested. Gold medalists answer “wyd” 36 hours later with “just woke up.”
Schrödinger’s Relationship
You are both dating and not dating until someone dares to ask, “What are we?”
Ghosting: The Emotional Irish Goodbye
You vanish into the digital night with no closure, just unread messages and a sudden appreciation for therapy.
Emotional Freelancers
You’re their unofficial therapist, career coach, and ego massage chair—paid in compliments and mixed signals.
Spotify Courtship
Playlists titled “vibes 😈” become love letters. The first sign of emotional withdrawal? They remove you from their collaborative playlist.
Sexting but Sans Dates
You’ve swapped more pictures than you’ve had in-person conversations. You’ve seen their bedroom, but never their face in natural light.
“Let’s hang out soon”
A phrase legally recognized in 37 states as the lie of the year.
Vague Posting Olympics
They post a moody quote about betrayal. You read it 14 times to decode if it’s about you. Then you repost something from Maya Angelou to confuse them back.
Digital Pet Adoptions
You know their dog’s name, their mom’s birthday, and their cat’s gluten allergy—but not whether they like you like that.
Breakup by Llama GIF
You asked if you were exclusive. They responded with a shrugging llama sticker. That’s a felony in five emotional states.
Accidental Eye Contact
The first time you meet IRL after months of texting, you stare at your shoes like they’re hosting a TED Talk.
“You’ve changed.”
No, I just deleted your playlist and realized I was dating a vibes-only hologram.
Seen at 9:41 PM
The modern form of medieval torture. You know they saw it. They know you know. Now you wait and stew in your own digital shame.
The Psychology of Mixed Signals
Dr. Lenora Blinkman, professor of Interpersonal Teasing at MIT (Modern Intimacy Tactics), claims the talking stage thrives on one psychological principle: ambiguous reinforcement.
“You get just enough attention to stay hooked,” she says, “but not enough to feel secure. It’s basically the same psychology Las Vegas uses.”
In one study, Blinkman found that 78% of young adults in the talking stage checked their phone more frequently than nurses check vital signs. 12% described their situationship as “codependent,” 8% said “lit,” and 2% used the phrase “divinely toxic.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“The talking stage is like being in a group project where no one wants to lead, but everyone wants the A.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s Tinder with homework.”
– Ali Wong
“Dating’s just advanced customer service. The talking stage is the part where you’re on hold for 47 minutes while they play ‘Hotline Bling.’”
– Chris Rock
“You ever be in the talking stage so long you start asking them about their tax deductions?”
– Ron White
“I’ve had better emotional reciprocity with my air fryer.”
– Sarah Silverman
Emotional ROI: A Financial Disaster
A financial analyst from JP Morgan’s Romance Desk (yes, it’s fictional but plausible) revealed the average American spends:
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19.7 hours/week texting “what u doin?”
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$42.87 on Uber rides they cancel last minute
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$3,800/year in missed emotional investment opportunities
They call this the “Flirtflation Era” — where emotional currency is devalued by oversupply and undercommitment.
Historical Context: Love’s Long Walk to Nowhere
While the term is new, the phenomenon is ancient.
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In 1847, Victorian couples sat side-by-side on courting benches, too afraid to touch elbows.
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In the 1960s, hippies practiced “empathic entanglement” by sharing weed and avoiding labels.
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In the 1990s, people “hung out,” “talked on AIM,” and practiced the sacred ritual of “MSN flirting.”
Now? You have Instagram DMs, five dating apps, and 137 unread signals to ignore. Congratulations—progress!
Why Apps Want You Stuck Here
Dating platforms make money by keeping you single but hopeful.
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Hinge added a “We’re talking” badge.
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Bumble now allows you to “vibe indefinitely.”
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Tinder’s new feature sends you “reminders of who’s ignoring you—premium edition.”
Insiders at one app revealed their motto: “Confusion drives clicks. Closure doesn’t scale.”
Relationship by Committee
When you enter a talking stage, you’re not just dating one person—you’re dating:
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Their friend who “screens everyone.”
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Their dog who appears in half their Instagram stories.
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Their therapist who you’re basically funding through emotional offloading.
Dr. Malick Oduro calls it “Vicarious Dating.” It’s like a relationship plus a reality show: everyone’s watching, no one knows the script.
The Fallout: Post-Talking Stage Trauma
Symptoms of talking stage PTSD include:
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Twitching at the sound of a typing bubble.
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Emotional nausea from the word “vibe.”
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Hallucinating closure where none exists.
Therapists recommend detox methods like deleting the chat thread, burning sage over your phone, or mailing them their hoodie with a note that says, “We were never real.”
Expert Testimony: The Data Is In
According to a 2025 Pew Research Survey:
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89% of Gen Z have been in at least three talking stages this year alone.
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24% admitted they didn’t know they were in one until it ended.
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13% thought they were in one right now, but when asked, the other person said, “Lmao what?”
Meanwhile, relationship anthropologist Penelope Quirk observed that “the talking stage is not a stage, it’s a lifestyle. People pay rent in it. They decorate it. Some even raise plants together and call it growth.”
A Love Story Gone Nowhere
Meet Carter, 34, who survived a 219-day talking stage with a woman named Emory.
“We texted every day, watched Netflix on Zoom, even named a shared Bitmoji cat,” Carter said. “But when I asked if she wanted to meet up, she said, ‘Let’s see how the vibe goes.’”
He now runs a support group: Just Talkin’ Anonymous. Their motto? “Seen but not forgotten.”
From Vibe to Void: When It Ends
There’s no breakup in the talking stage—just the slow erosion of interaction until you’re both liking each other’s stories like distant ex-colleagues.
Signs it’s over:
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They remove you from Close Friends.
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They start responding with only “💀.”
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Their new Instagram caption is “healing,” but the photo is them kissing someone else.
Final Words of Advice
If you’re in the talking stage:
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Don’t decorate your future wedding board on Pinterest yet.
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Do not name your unborn children.
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Do not post “his hoodie smells like love.” You’ll regret it.
Instead, ask bold questions: “What are we?” “Is this real?” “Are we trauma bonding or just bored?”
Or better yet, send them this article. If they leave you on read, congratulations—you’re finally free.
Sources:
- The 15 Talking Stage Red Flags That Everyone Sees but Ignores While Making Playlists
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Ghosting: The Socially Acceptable Digital Vanishing Act
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Vibe Now, Cry Later: Millennials and Gen Z Embrace Romance With No Outcome
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Spotify Releases New Dating Tier Called “Flirtify” With Preloaded Mixed Signals
Disclaimer
This article is an emotionally unlicensed collaborative effort between a tenured philosophy professor and a dairy farmer turned romance correspondent. All polls, jokes, data, sources, and llama GIFs are either real, real-ish, or emotionally familiar. No talking stages were seriously committed to during the making of this piece. This is satire. Unless it’s not. You decide.
Auf Wiedersehen.
