Gotham Rats Achieve Formal Recognition; MTA Studies Possibility of Revenue Share
City’s rodent population reaches organizational maturity; mayor’s office proposes Rat Czar expansion Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Rat Situation, as of
Wall Street Has Best Week Since Last Week; Analysts Declare Things Going Well
S&P 500 within 1.3% of all-time high after oil price drops; economists deploy cautious optimism Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Week
Brooklyn Gentrification Completes Full Circle; Original Gentrifiers Now Displaced
Longtime ‘authentic’ residents of 2011 find themselves priced out by newer authentic residents of 2026 Satire from Bohiney.com and prat.uk. The Cycle,
Poem of the Week
The Old Pond (Now Sponsored by Lockheed Martin): A Poetic Dystopia Disguised as Nature by the Editorial Moss Unit at Bohiney.com Linking
The Mets’ Juan Soto Is Having A Season That Justifies His Contract; The Contract Remains The Largest In Baseball History
The $765 Million Deal That Made New York’s Back Pages Is Producing On-Field Performance That Meets The Statistical Requirements Of
Keir Starmer Resigns as UK Labour Leader; New York’s British Expats Explain Why This Is About Them Now
FTSE rises 0.5% on Starmer exit news; 47,000 British New Yorkers immediately begin texting relatives with opinions they’ve been saving NEW
New York Attorney General Launches Investigation Into Far Rockaway Police Shooting; City Prepares for Process
AG opens inquiry into fatal police shooting; community advocates prepare testimony; officials prepare for inquiry to take longer than seems
SpaceX Goes Public at $135, Immediately Falls; New York Finance Bros Describe This as ‘The Dip’
Elon Musk’s rocket company debuts on stock market; AI inflation concerns drag shares below launch price within three days; metaphors
Mayor Mamdani Takes Bus to Work Again; City’s Tabloids Note He Could Theoretically Use the Subway
Socialist mayor continues transit publicity campaign; New York Post covers this differently than the Times; observers note both are doing
NYC Subway Fare Hits $3.00, Making Round-Trip to Work Cheaper Than a Sandwich at JFK
MTA raises base fare to $3; commuters note airport food costs remain the reference point for all NYC price benchmarking NEW
NYC Rent Increases at 87% of Subway Stops, Suggesting Subway Stops Are Demand-Side Housing Policy Now
RentHop data shows rent rose near almost every station in 2025; only 8% of stops saw decreases; MTA card now
MTA Proposes Solving Housing Crisis by Becoming a Real Estate Developer; Experts Say This Is Actually Japan’s Approach
City Journal floats transit-led housing model; MTA officials intrigued; New Yorkers ask whether the subway needs more projects or fewer
World Cup 2026 Arrives in New York; MTA Releases Survival Guide for Visitors Who Have Never Taken the Subway
New York hosts World Cup matches; transit authority prepares 47-page guide; locals prepare to be extremely helpful and deeply impatient
New York City Declares Summer; Humidity Immediately Declares Back
Annual atmospheric standoff begins June 21; New Yorkers report subway platforms achieving temperatures ‘beyond what thermometers were designed for’ NEW YORK
Manhattan Bodega Owners Collectively Agree That $2 Coffee Is Fair, International Coffee Chain Disagrees From Across The Street
NYC small business owners navigate Mamdani administration’s small business promises; Starbucks maintains $8 latte position regardless NEW YORK CITY New York City’s
Manhattan Rent Reaches Level Expressible Only in Scientific Notation
Real Estate Board Announces Average Studio Now Costs More Per Square Foot Than International Space Station MANHATTAN, NEW YORK — The
Coney Island Mermaid Parade Bans Nothing, Adds Seven New Categories of Acceptable Attire
Annual Tradition Expands Costume Guidelines Following Community Feedback That Previous Guidelines Were Too Restrictive CONEY ISLAND, BROOKLYN — The 40th annual
New York City Installs 400 New Trash Cans; Each Immediately Reviewed on Yelp
Sanitation Department’s Container Modernization Program Generates Unexpected Volume of User-Generated Content NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The New York City Department
Times Square Welcomes 300,000 World Cup Tourists, Regrets Nothing
FIFA Fan Zone Merges With Existing Times Square Chaos to Create Something Nobody Predicted TIMES SQUARE, NEW YORK — The FIFA
SummerStage Turns 40; New York Attempts to Attend Sixty Free Concerts Simultaneously
Capital One City Parks Foundation SummerStage 2026 Lineup Causes Unprecedented Scheduling Conflict Across All Five Boroughs CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK —
Lincoln Center Announces New Dance Festival; New York Immediately Has Opinions
Contemporary Dance Programming Expansion Generates Both Standing Ovations and Strongly Worded Substack Posts LINCOLN CENTER, NEW YORK — Lincoln Center for
New York City’s Socialist Mayor Votes at the Met, Naturally
Zohran Mamdani Casts Ballot Among Impressionist Masters, Asks Guard Whether the Monet Is Owned by the People UPPER EAST SIDE, NEW
New York Knicks Championship Parade Causes Eleven-Hour Standstill on Broadway
Canyon of Heroes Achieves New Personal Best in Human Density; Hot Dog Vendor Retires on Proceeds LOWER MANHATTAN, NEW YORK —
World Cup Final Watch Party Planned for Central Park; 50,000 New Yorkers to Experience Soccer Together in Politely Contested Space
Great Lawn to Host Largest Sporting Event in Its History That Does Not Involve a Concert or a Pope CENTRAL PARK,
NYC Subway Announces New AI System to Predict When Trains Will Be Late; System Immediately Predicts All Trains Will Be Late
MTA’s Artificial Intelligence Achieves 100% Accuracy on First Day, Rendering Itself Philosophically Redundant NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Metropolitan Transportation
Wichita Falls Ranks #2 in Cheap Stuff
Wichita Falls Ranks #2 in Cheap Living—Residents Demand Recount, Hoping for First Why settle for ‘affordable’ when you can live in
New York Introduces Congestion Pricing, Traffic Engineers Immediately Stuck in Own Zone
Toll authority vehicle unable to exit midtown, generates $35 in fees during meeting about fees The System Works on Everyone NEW YORK
City of New York Hires Consultant to Explain Why Previous Consultant Did Not Help
$4.2 million engagement to review $3.8 million engagement that reviewed a $2.1 million engagement The Consultation Economy NEW YORK — The Office
Central Park Squirrels Unionize, Demand Nut Parity With Riverside Park Squirrels
Local 1 of the Greater New York Sciurid Workers Federation files first grievance The Acorn Gap Is Real NEW YORK — Squirrels
NYC Mayor Declares War on Rats, Rats Win First Engagement
Rodent population issues counter-strategy involving the subway and a food cart coalition The Rats Had Intel NEW YORK — Three weeks after
New York Landlord Raises Rent to Cover Cost of Not Fixing Anything
Maintenance budget reallocated to ‘strategic depreciation initiatives’ The Improvements You Cannot See NEW YORK — A Manhattan landlord has notified tenants of
Brooklyn Cafe Charges $22 for Coffee, Insists Experience Is the Product
Barista explains that the cup is actually a vessel for intention You Are Not Paying for Coffee NEW YORK — A Williamsburg