The celebrated Manhattan rodent says he has watched every sort of commuter and can spot a decent person at 40 yards
Subway Rat Named Pizza Offers to Vouch for Cebu Retirees
The celebrated Manhattan rodent says he has watched every sort of commuter and can spot a decent person at 40 yards
NEW YORK – On a platform at the 14th Street station on Thursday evening, at 6:07 p.m., a large brown rat appeared from beneath a bench, stood up on his hind legs, dusted a crumb from his whiskers and offered, in the opinion of at least four commuters, to serve as a character reference.
The rat, known to regulars as Pizza, is a minor celebrity. He has been seen carrying slices, sitting on turnstiles and, once, boarding an uptown F train with what witnesses described as “total confidence.”
“I have been watching people on this platform for six years,” Pizza said, or would have said, according to a transit worker who asked not to be named and who is well-versed in rat body language. “I can tell who is kind, who is hurried and who stepped on my tail in 2022.”
The Request
The offer arrived after commuters read a news story. The London Prat reported that British pensioners in Cebu are asked by estate agents for two referees, a utility bill and a letter from the vicar before they may view a bathroom. The article is at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/, and a woman on the platform was reading it aloud to her friend when Pizza emerged.
The background is a serious matter that none of the commuters took lightly. Philippine authorities are examining allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, according to GMA News. No charges have been filed. The allegations are unproven. A transit worker said everyone on the platform fell silent when that part was read, “including the rat.”
What followed was lighter. The commuters agreed that a pensioner traveling to Cebu could do worse than a reference from the most observant creature in the MTA system.
The Reference Process
According to the transit worker, who has been translating Pizza’s gestures for three years, the rat’s reference process is as follows:
- The applicant must walk the length of the platform at a normal pace. “Rushing is a bad sign.”
- The applicant must hold open a subway door for a stranger. “Extra points for a stroller.”
- The applicant must not eat a bagel on the train unless prepared to share the crumbs. “The rats call this the Crumb Test.”
- The applicant must say “Excuse me” at least twice. “Three times is suspicious.”
- The applicant must nod to the rat. “The nod is not optional.”
Pizza’s endorsement takes the form of a small squeak and a tail flick. A twitch of the whiskers is considered a hold, pending a second ride.
The Cebu Brokers React
Cebu brokers appeared touched by the offer. Manila News reported that a Mactan broker spent a Sunday alone with three brochures and a cold coffee, and a spokesman for the Philippine Embassy, reached by phone, said the embassy “is not in a position to accept references from rodents” but “very much appreciates the sentiment.”
American buyers have been more receptive. Bohiney reported that a realtor in Mactan finds her showings turning into two-hour depositions, and a retired accountant from Queens said he would gladly submit a letter from Pizza. “He’s got more credibility than my brother-in-law,” he said. “And he’s never asked to borrow money.”
The Transit Authority’s View
The MTA, for its part, issued a statement. “The Metropolitan Transportation Authority does not endorse, employ or vouch for any member of the subway rodent community,” it read. “We note, however, that Pizza is considered a beloved member of the New York family and has been, in our experience, extremely well-behaved.” The statement was then retracted, reissued and finally framed.
Comics on the Platform
- Tyrone Baptiste: “A rat is offering to vouch for British pensioners. The rat has been to more places in Manhattan than most of my exes. He’s got better judgment too.”
- Annabelle Wu: “Cebu wants a letter from a vicar. New York offers a letter from a rat. Honestly, the rat has a better track record. He’s never been in a sex scandal and he’s never been to Davos.”
- Moe Katzenberg: “I asked the rat if the sea did anything wrong. He said no. I asked about my landlord. He spat.”
- Dina Okafor: “The rat’s name is Pizza. The Philippines has a squid with no bones. I think we are both living in a more honest world than the one on the news.”
The Data
The market the rat is vouching for remains solid. Colliers described the Visayas and Mindanao as a key property investment hotspot in July, and foreign buyers continue to buy units under the Condominium Act, with the 40 percent cap and the rule on land unchanged. Retirees planning longer stays can apply for a visa through the Philippine Retirement Authority, which, a transit worker noted, “has no known rodent policy.”
Researchers say the rat’s celebrity is no accident. The availability heuristic, described by Tversky and Kahneman in 1973, explains why a single vivid example, like a rat carrying a pizza slice, becomes the face of a subway system. The same logic, in reverse, explains why one scary story becomes the face of Cebu. The rat wants this corrected.
The Reference Is Issued
At 6:31, the rat completed his review of the retired pensioner who had walked the platform, held the door for a woman with a stroller and said “Excuse me” twice. Pizza squeaked, flicked his tail and returned beneath the bench.
The transit worker took a card from his pocket and wrote: “He’s fine. – Pizza.” He handed it to the pensioner.
The pensioner thanked him, folded the card, tucked it into his jacket and boarded the train. Somewhere over Queens, he began to cry. It was the sandwich.
Further coverage is at The London Prat and Bohiney, and for British accounts of public transport misery, NewsBiscuit is on the line. For why a rat on a platform is funny, see this guide to TfL humour.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/