Russian Impersonator Fails to Fold Slice Correctly, Immediately Exposed
A man believed to be one of Vladimir Putin’s body doubles was positively identified in Greenwich Village this week after he made the fatal mistake of eating a slice of pizza with a knife and fork at Joe’s Pizza on Carmine Street. Within seconds, the entire restaurant fell silent, and several patrons immediately called both the FBI and the Department of Health.
“We knew something was off the moment he walked in,” said longtime employee Frank Martinelli, who has been slinging slices since 1987. “First, he asked if we had vegan options. Then he tried to order a pizza with ‘no cheese, extra vegetables, and could we make it gluten-free.’ I told him, ‘Sir, this is Joe’s. We have cheese, sauce, and pepperoni. Pick two.'”
The Putin doppelgänger, identified by intelligence sources only as “Dmitri K.,” then committed what witnesses describe as “an act of culinary terrorism” by sitting down at a table and eating his slice with utensils like some kind of civilized European. “That’s when we knew for sure he wasn’t from here,” explained NYU student Melissa Chang. “Real New Yorkers fold the slice. It’s not negotiable. It’s basically in the Constitution.”
Security footage shows the body double struggling with basic New York etiquette throughout his visit. He said “excuse me” while exiting the subway, waited for a walk signal before crossing against traffic, and reportedly told a street vendor that $15 for a hot dog “seemed steep.” These behaviors immediately flagged him in the NYPD’s sophisticated “Not Actually From Here” detection system.
The impersonator’s mission remains unclear, though intelligence analysts believe he was attempting to blend in with New York’s population of difficult, demanding customers who all think they’re the only ones who know where the “real” New York is. “It’s the perfect cover,” explained former CIA operative Tom Bradley. “Nobody would suspect Putin’s body double would be the guy complaining about the L train at a Williamsburg coffee shop. Except he ordered a small coffee and didn’t specify hot or iced. Dead giveaway.”
Russian officials denied that Dmitri K. is connected to Putin, claiming he’s just “a regular tourist who happens to look identical to our president and was carrying a briefcase full of rubles and a map to Trump Tower.” The Kremlin added that “lots of people eat pizza with a fork” and that “folding is actually bad for digestion.”
Local New Yorkers remain vigilant. “If you see someone being polite on the subway, holding doors, or saying ‘pop’ instead of ‘soda,’ report them immediately,” advised Mayor Adams. “They’re either a body double, a tourist, or worsefrom Connecticut.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/putins-body-double/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/putins-body-double/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
