The media desperately wants you to believe Pope Leo XIV is actually Black—not because they care about race, but because they care about narratives that sell. A Pope with Creole roots? That’s a Pulitzer with a side of gumbo. It checks all their boxes: diversity, drama, and delicious alliteration. They’re not reporting—they’re casting. Every mention of “free people of color” in his ancestry becomes a clickbait coronation. They don’t want a Pope—they want a protagonist in a progressive biopic. If he claps on beat, they label him soulful. If he says “y’all,” it’s suddenly Black vernacular canonized by Rome. Never mind that the Pope has never once claimed this identity himself—he’s being racially reassigned by think pieces. Why? Because “Black Pope” gets more views than “Reserved Theologian with a Nuanced Multicultural Heritage.” The truth is complicated. But the media? They prefer their Popes spicy and simplified.
Top 10 Reasons the Media Is Now Claiming the Pope Is Actually Black—and the absurd lies behind it:
1. His Grandmother Once Visited New Orleans… So Obviously, Jazz Hands and Jambalaya DNA?
Apparently, if your grandma once cooked gumbo within a 100-mile radius of Bourbon Street, the media upgrades your race on the spot. That’s right, the Pope’s genealogical GPS allegedly pinged “Creole” and CNN yelled, “Breaking: Black Pope Confirmed.”
Irony Level: CNN accidentally confused ‘Creole heritage’ with ‘audition tape for The Voice.’
2. His Baptismal Certificate Had a Smudge That Looked Like a Fist Raised in Protest
That’s right, MSNBC zoomed in on a blurry 1843 parish record and mistook ink for activism. Next thing you know, he’s getting invited to BET’s Sunday Best.
Wordplay: “Holy See” becomes “Holy C.” As in ‘C’ for culture appropriation.
3. He Refuses to Dance Like a White Guy
At a Vatican Christmas party, the Pope allegedly clapped on beat. That’s all it took. One rhythmic papal two-step and suddenly NPR is doing a podcast called Black Smoke: The Pope’s Hidden Roots.
Eyewitness quote: “The man moonwalked out of the Sistine Chapel. That ain’t Roman Catholic, that’s Soul Catholic.”
4. He Ordered Fried Catfish on Friday
Even though it’s Lent, someone leaked the lunch menu. When the Pope requested “extra hot sauce,” the New York Times classified him as racially ambiguous with Creole seasoning.
False Cause Fallacy: Eating Cajun food does not make you part of the diaspora.
5. His Latin Mass Has Been Heard Ending with “Can I Get an Amen?”
Rumor has it, the pontiff swapped out “Dominus vobiscum” for “You know what I’m talkin’ about.” Suddenly, he’s not just Pope Leo XIV — he’s Pope Luther Vandross I.
Appeal to Tradition: Just because Gospel-style Gregorian chants slap doesn’t mean the choir needs to add tambourines.
6. The Vatican Choir Was Caught Practicing ‘When the Saints Go Marching In’
Reporters heard the unmistakable brass intro echoing off the dome. Boom—BuzzFeed declares the Vatican an “Afro-Creole Cultural Heritage Site.”
Comment: “All this proves is the choir got invited to Jazz Fest and now thinks incense is a vibe.”
7. His Family Tree Includes ‘Free People of Color,’ So Now He’s in Wakanda
The Pope’s maternal ancestors were listed as “free people of color” in 1800s Louisiana records. So naturally, Politico declared him the Catholic T’Challa.
Satirical deduction: One Creole ancestor = You now get your own Pope-themed Black History Month float.
8. He Said ‘Y’all’ During an Angelus Address
While addressing pilgrims in St. Peter’s Square, Pope Leo allegedly said, “May y’all be blessed.” NPR called it “the linguistic mic drop of the century.”
Red Herring: “Y’all” is Southern, not inherently Black. Calm down, Vox.
9. He Showed Up to Mass Wearing Loafers, Not Italian Wingtips
Esquire magazine declared this “cultural resistance to colonial footwear.” Pope Leo’s choice of shoes launched 400 think pieces on ‘Black Catholic Fashion.’
Slippery Slope: Today it’s soft-soled shoes, tomorrow it’s Vatican durags and holy gold chains.
10. He Got a Fresh Fade Before Easter
Photos circulated of Pope Leo’s shockingly clean haircut. Twitter imploded. “A fade that crisp? That’s ancestral memory right there.”
Trace Evidence: The barber was later found to be a former NOLA jazz musician named DeShawn the Dominican Friar.
Satirical Bottom Line: The Media Wants a Black Pope More Than the Pope Wants To Be Pope
This isn’t journalism—it’s genealogical gerrymandering. Somewhere in a basement newsroom, a BuzzFeed intern with Ancestry.com and a bottle of wine decided that if Meghan Markle can make Oprah cry, then Pope Leo can headline Essence Fest.
The truth? The Pope is Catholic. Period. He’s not auditioning for The Color Vatican or dropping a gospel album titled Confessions of the Apostolic Soul.
So no, media. You don’t get to retroactively re-cast the papacy like it’s a Hamilton reboot.
What the Funny People Are Saying…
“The media wants a Black Pope so bad, he sneezed over gumbo and they aired it live as cultural heritage.” — Ron White
“He said ‘y’all’ once, and MSNBC declared it the Vatican’s first spoken word performance.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“His grandma’s Creole? Great. So is my spice rack. Calm down.” — Sarah Silverman
“Pope wears loafers to Mass and Vanity Fair calls it resistance footwear. It’s not a revolution, it’s plantar fasciitis.” — Larry David
“One jazz band outside St. Peter’s and CNN screams, ‘He’s from the Tribe of Miles Davis!’” — Chris Rock
“They want a Black Pope so bad, they’re about to deepfake him into a Tyler Perry movie.” — Dave Chappelle
“He blessed a shrimp boil and now BuzzFeed’s got a listicle: ‘13 Times the Pope Slayed the Culture.’” — Ali Wong
“They’re not covering a Pope—they’re auditioning him for a BET gospel special.” — Kevin Hart
“Found a cousin’s cousin who played sax once—great, now the Pope’s on tour with Lizzo.” — Amy Schumer
“At this point, they’ll give the Pope a DNA test on air, just so Whoopi can cry on The View.” — Bill Burr
What the Political People Are Saying About the Worthless Media…
Senator Lindsey Graham:
“I’m not saying the Pope isn’t Black, I’m just saying CNN saw a fleur-de-lis and lost their damn minds. They’ll racially reassign anyone with a gumbo recipe. This isn’t theology—it’s Netflix casting.”
Governor Ron DeSantis:
“Look, I respect the Pope. But the second he clapped on beat, MSNBC started calling him ‘St. Kendrick of Lamar.’ The media doesn’t want a Pope—they want a trending topic with hot sauce.”
Donald J. Trump:
“The fake news wants a Black Pope because it gets clicks, folks. They heard ‘Creole roots’ and immediately called Questlove for a comment. It’s ratings, not religion. Believe me, I know television popes. This one’s spicy, but he’s still Roman.”
President Joe Biden:
“C’mon, man. The Pope? Creole? That’s beautiful. I love gumbo. You know, Jill once made etouffée with communion wafers. True story. Anyway—faith, seasoning, unity. God bless the—what were we talking about?”
Vice President Kamala Harris:
“Let me be clear. The Pope’s identity is valid… but also, the media is basically playing racial bingo with a baptism certificate. Just because he says ‘y’all’ doesn’t mean he marched in Selma with my auntie’s cousin.”
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez:
“This is what happens when journalists spend more time on ancestry.com than economic policy. The Pope could be a hologram made of jambalaya and CNN would still call it representation.”