THE NEXT POPE: APOCALYPSE MITRE EDITION
By SpinTaxi’s Vatican Fashion Correspondent and a Dairy Farmer with a Latin Dictionary
The Conclave Hunger Games
Vatican Declares “Last Pope Standing” Contest
Move over, March Madness. Welcome to April Absurdity, brought to you by the College of Cardinals — now airing live on Pay-Per-Pope. As Pope Francis’ holy Fitbit hit 0%, the Vatican announced that the successor would be chosen through an elite conclave showdown known as The Papal Brawl: Smells and Bells Edition.
Bishops across the globe were summoned like Hogwarts students receiving owl-grams. White smoke? Forget it. This year, the next Pope will be announced via a laser drone spelling “SANTO!” over St. Peter’s Basilica.
“When Newsmax says the Church is in crisis, I assume they mean they couldn’t find gluten-free hosts.” —Larry David
And what a field of contestants!
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Cardinal Raymond Burke entered the Sistine Chapel with a MAGA stole and an exorcism kit.
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Cardinal Matteo Zuppi brought a Pride flag and a solar-powered confessional booth.
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Cardinal Willem Eijk flew in from the Netherlands on a bicycle powered by righteous indignation.
What the Funny People Are Saying:
“So the next Pope might be a guy who hates modernism… selected using an online ranked-choice voting app? That’s like choosing a caveman by Tinder swipe.”
—Jerry Seinfeld
FRANCIS’ FINAL HOMILY: “PEACE, LOVE, AND WHATEVER YOU WANT, REALLY”
Pope Francis’ final mass featured drones dropping vegan communion wafers over the crowd, a sign of the Church’s pivot toward progressive grocery stores and celestial ambivalence. His homily ended not with “Amen,” but a TED Talk playlist and a QR code linking to “The Gospel According to Greta Thunberg.”
Traditional Catholics wept. Liberals applauded. And somewhere in the crowd, Joe Biden tried to genuflect, fell, and accidentally consecrated a hot dog.
Evidence of Collapse:
A leaked Gallup-Vatican-YouGov poll revealed:
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64% of Catholics think “doctrine” is a type of pasta.
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32% believe the Pope lives in Reno.
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7% believe they are the Pope.
The Cardinals: A Field Guide to Red-Hatted Gladiators
CARDINAL PETER ERDO (Hungary)
Described as “the theological Mike Tyson,” Erdo pledges to return the Church to Latin, leprosy, and leather sandals. He once punched a vending machine for selling “gender-neutral water.”
CARDINAL PIETRO PAROLIN (Italy)
Francis’ spiritual nephew and the Vatican’s secretary of state. Parolin’s résumé includes organizing cocktail parties for UN diplomats and writing encyclicals that double as ESG reports.
CARDINAL RAYMOND BURKE (USA)
Wears red like a bull charges it. Thinks climate change is a Jesuit conspiracy, opposes liturgical dancing, and once called jazz music a “gateway drug to Lutheranism.”
CARDINAL MATTEO ZUPPI (Italy)
Popular with artists, anarchists, and archangels. Zuppi’s platform includes giving voting rights to baptized houseplants and renaming “The Our Father” as “The Parent Who Be.”
CARDINAL WILLEM EIJK (Netherlands)
Believes secularism is a virus and baptism is the vaccine. Known for issuing 300-word sermons containing only one verb: “repent.”
BREAKING: JESUS REFUSES TO COMMENT
When asked who should lead the Church, sources close to Jesus said, “He’s golfing.”
TRUMP’S CABINET: THE RESURRECTION SQUAD
Meanwhile, in a parallel but equally incense-scented dimension, Donald J. Trump announced his 2025 inner circle in a ceremony that began with a bald eagle landing on Steve Bannon’s shoulder and ended with the choir from Mar-a-Lago Christian Academy performing “Hail to the Chief (Remastered by Kid Rock).”
Inside Trump’s “Team Like No Other”:
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Secretary of Defense: Mike Tyson
Weaponized aggression. Enlists the Space Force to patrol Twitter. -
Secretary of Faith & Fisticuffs: Pastor Greg Locke
Combines snake-handling theology with mixed martial arts diplomacy. -
Press Secretary: Roseanne Barr
Every briefing ends in a Bible quote, a lawsuit, and a meatloaf recipe. -
Head of the Environmental Protection Disarmament Agency: Joe Rogan
Plans to flood the Grand Canyon with alpha brain powder and ban trees that don’t believe in freedom. -
Surgeon General: Ben Shapiro
Will speak faster than you can ask, “Is that even medical advice?”
GEN Z: GAY, GODLESS, AND GLUED TO THEIR PHONES?
Newsmax reports that over 20% of Gen Z identifies as LGBTQ, prompting conservative media to declare it a “national emergency” and propose funding for “Heterosexual Re-Education Yoga.”
Old folks in Florida have reportedly started spelling out “LOLGBTQ” on bingo cards, while schools consider installing gender-neutral prayer closets.
Social Science Data (Cited Nowhere):
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47% of Gen Z think “communion” is a dating app.
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18% believe Noah’s Ark was a climate change metaphor.
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12% would swipe right on Satan “just to see what happens.”
CHINA BUYS KANSAS; OFFERS FREE RICE TO FARMERS
In an unsettling twist, Beijing now owns 36% of Kansas. Locals say tractors have been replaced with rickshaws and barbecue joints with wet markets.
Kansas Governor Buck Gritstone addressed the situation by saying, “We welcome our new economic overlords. Also, who took my cows?”
Fox News Coverage:
Tucker Carlson’s hologram asked if Xi Jinping is trying to turn America into one large Mandarin lesson.
What the Funny People Are Saying:
“I bought a farm in Kansas and accidentally joined the Communist Party. Now I’m expected to learn calligraphy and bow to my corn.”
—Ron White
ELON MUSK: CLEANSING THE SWAMP WITH ROCKET FLAMES
Elon Musk has declared war on the administrative state. His latest X post reads:
“AI-run Congress. No pensions. No pants. Let’s go.”
His innovations include:
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Self-driving subpoenas
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Neuralink-enabled lie detectors
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PayPal for papal donations
Musk’s tunnel-boring machine has accidentally resurfaced beneath the Library of Congress. It was immediately sold to Netflix as a series titled “Drain the Swamp: The Burrowing Begins.”
FOX NEWS: GEN Z EDITION
Fox’s new hosts include:
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Tucker Carlson, Jr.: A synthetic AI clone who speaks only in ironic Latin.
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Candace Owens: Returns with a show called “Woke Wreckage Wednesday.”
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Kid Trump: Barron Trump’s TikTok persona with 8 million followers and a gold-plated teleprompter.
THE NEXT POPE VS. THE NEXT TRUMP: WHO GETS THE NUKES?
In an intercontinental game of chess, it remains unclear who will shape the soul of civilization: the successor to Pope Francis or the guy tweeting Bible verses from a tanning bed.
One will command 1.3 billion Catholics.
The other already has the nuclear codes, a devotional app, and a secret bunker filled with copies of Art of the Deal: Extended Gospels Edition.
SATIRICAL SOURCES:
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The Pope’s New Mitre Includes 5G and a Juice Cleanse Protocol
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Trump Names Jesus “White House Chaplain,” Jesus Politely Declines
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Kansas Declares State of Emergency After Mandarin Replaces English on Stop Signs
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Elon Musk Installs Mars Rover in Oval Office, Calls It “Vice President”
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Gen Z Forms New Religious Movement Based on Astrology, Memes, and Vibing
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Fox News Launches New Segment: “Woke or Possessed?”
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Evangelical Army Baptizes Entire Lake Erie in Pre-emptive Strike Against Satan
COMEDIAN LINES FOR YOUR SOUL:
“The next Pope should be picked by spinning the Rosary Wheel and yelling ‘Habemus Bingo!’”
—Billy Crystal
“Trump’s inner circle has more drama than the Kardashians, and less foreign policy experience.”
—Sarah Silverman
“If China owns Kansas, can they take Nebraska as a free gift with purchase?”
—Chris Rock
“Gen Z thinks Lent is when you borrow things.”
—Amy Schumer
“Elon Musk is trying to replace Congress with ChatGPT and Mars bars.”
—Trevor Noah
“Fox News calling itself ‘next-gen’ is like your grandpa buying a hoverboard and calling it a Corvette.”
—Dave Chappelle
FINAL THOUGHTS: THE HOLY INFLUENCER WARS
Whether it’s Pope TikTokus I or President Trumpus Maximus, we are entering an age where leadership will be livestreamed, salvation monetized, and dogma sponsored by pharmaceutical ads.
Stay tuned. Or don’t. Either way, your subscription renews automatically.
Auf Wiedersehen.