Pete Davidson’s 18 Tattoos He Refuses to Burn Off: A Commitment to Bad Decisions
America’s Most Inked Ex-Boyfriend Clings to His ‘Worst’ Tattoos
BROOKLYN— After undergoing extensive tattoo removal to erase past relationship regrets, Pete Davidson shocked fans by revealing that he refuses to part with 18 of his most ridiculous tattoos. The SNL alum, known for impulsively inking his body like a high school bathroom stall, told reporters he’s keeping some of his dumbest, least defensible body art.
“Look, some of these tats mean a lot to me,” Davidson explained, sipping an oat milk latte with the phrase “Oat Milk Is For Killers” tattooed across his collarbone. “Just because I was dumb enough to get them doesn’t mean I have to be smart enough to remove them.”
The Idiot Tattoos Pete Davidson Refuses to Burn Off
1. “My Other Tattoo is Also Stupid” – Located on his left forearm, this serves as a warning label for anyone considering taking his ink seriously.
2. “Legalize Ranch” – A tribute to his deep belief that ranch dressing should be a constitutional right.
3. A QR Code That Just Links to His Wikipedia Page – When scanned, it redirects fans to a page that’s updated so frequently, it can’t keep up with his breakups.
4. A Tattoo of a Scratch-and-Sniff Sticker That Doesn’t Actually Smell – It’s a peach-scented sticker design, but it smells like poor life choices.
5. “This Space Available” on His Thigh – Potentially sponsored by Craigslist’s “missed connections” section.
6. Macaulay Culkin’s Face Over His Own Face – “Because Culkin didn’t go through all that Home Alone trauma for nothing,” Davidson explained.
7. “Ariana, Call Me” Written in Invisible Ink – A desperate hope that a blacklight might rekindle old flames.
8. A Full Sleeve of His Favorite Wikipedia Edits – Includes the time someone changed his occupation to “professional rebound.”
9. A Tattoo of Himself Getting a Tattoo of Himself – Davidson calls it his ‘tattooception’ piece.
10. “I’m With Stupid” With an Arrow That Always Points to His Current Girlfriend – A piece that he says “ages well, no matter who’s standing next to me.”
11. A To-Do List That Only Says ‘Stop Getting Tattoos’ – A failed New Year’s resolution from 2019.
12. “Kim Was Here” But It’s Just A Blank Space Now – A faded tribute to his time as Mr. Kardashian #MaybeWhoKnows.
13. A Tramp Stamp That Says ‘Oops’ – “Every tattoo artist laughs when they see it, so it’s staying,” Davidson confirmed.
14. A Dolphin Smoking a Cigarette – “It’s a metaphor for life, man. No one gets it but me,” Davidson muttered, taking a long drag from his vape.
15. A Full-Back Portrait of Lorne Michaels Weeping – Depicts the SNL creator contemplating his life choices after hiring Pete.
16. “Breakup Incoming” Across His Chest – An eerie tattoo that somehow always becomes relevant.
17. A Receipt from an Expensive Dinner He Barely Remembered – Proof that fame doesn’t make “market price” seafood less painful.
18. “I Regret Nothing” Written in Comic Sans – Davidson insists this one is ironic, but nobody believes him.
Davidson’s Final Defense: “Tattoo Removal Hurts More Than My Breakups”
Davidson assured reporters that he’s still getting rid of plenty of ink, but some pieces hold sentimental value—if sentimentality included bad ideas, questionable sobriety, and a total lack of impulse control.
“Look, I gotta leave something for historians to study when they try to figure out what the hell was going on in my 20s,” he added. “Besides, if I laser off every dumb tattoo, what am I gonna do for attention? Start a podcast?”
Davidson’s fans remain divided, with some calling his refusal to remove these masterpieces “a triumph of self-acceptance” and others describing it as “proof he needs a court-appointed life coach.”
As for his exes? Sources close to Ariana Grande, Kim Kardashian, and every woman Davidson has ever dated say they “support his journey, as long as their names aren’t still on his body somewhere.”
Disclaimer
This article was co-written by an 80-year-old with tenure and a 20-year-old philosophy-major-turned-dairy-farmer, neither of whom have tattoos but have made equally questionable life choices. No AI was harmed in the making of this satire, but several tattoo removal specialists are deeply concerned.
