Locals disguise themselves as tourists to enjoy free view of their own city, while actual tourists remain stuck in a queue for something with an M on it
New York has finally discovered a new tourist attraction, and the tourists are furious to find it is being enjoyed entirely by people who already live here. The free observation deck atop 1 Centre Street has become a destination for locals acting as tourists, and the line to the top is made up almost exclusively of men named Vinny holding a phone at arm’s length and saying ‘Would you look at that’.
Why the 1 Centre Street Observation Deck Is Suddenly the Place to Be
The appeal is partly the price, which is nothing, a figure that in New York is so rare it is treated as a rumour. The rest of the city’s observation decks charge amounts that resemble a modest down payment, and several come with a mandatory photograph in front of a green screen in which you are somehow standing on the edge of a cliff with a stranger’s thumb in your hair. At 1 Centre Street, the view is free, the lifts work and nobody tries to sell you a magnet.
The building itself, a municipal tower where citizens traditionally go to stand in line for marriage licences, parking disputes and the occasional crisis of identity, now doubles as a look-out. ‘For years, we pointed people to the thirty-fifth floor to complain about their taxes,’ said Hortensia Valdivieso-Crane, a deputy manager of Public Vistas. ‘We never realised that if you turned them round, they would enjoy it.’
A Review in Five Stars, Because That Is What You Do
We sent our critic to the deck on Thursday afternoon, and she filed the following assessment. The view was excellent. The staff were helpful. The wind was a little personal. Three stars were deducted for the presence of a pigeon that appeared to be conducting a performance review of every visitor, and one star was restored when it gave her a nod.
What Locals Say
‘I live four blocks away and had never been up,’ said a retired postal worker. ‘I took my wife on a date. She said it was the most romantic thing I had ever done, which says something about the last forty years.’ A teenager from Staten Island said the observation deck was ‘actually kind of good’, the highest compliment his generation can offer anything not on a phone.
The Real Tourists, Meanwhile, Are Having a Different Day
Official visitors to the city, who had arrived with guidebooks, selfie sticks and a sincere belief in New York as an experience, were reportedly dismayed to find the most authentic attraction in town occupied by the people they came to see. A family from Ohio, standing in a queue for a shop devoted to a famous brand of chocolate, said they had hoped to see the real thing and instead saw a man in a vest eating a pretzel and gazing at the river.
It is a familiar condition. In London, an entire genre of comic reporting has built up around the idea of tourists who insist that they are different from other tourists. One such account describes a visitor announcing he was not like other tourists while standing in the queue at M&M World, a sentence that says as much about the human condition as any novel. Nor are the high streets spared: a historic shop was recently replaced by a 221st gift shop selling authentic tourists, a business model that is both the saddest and the most efficient in the capital.
The Gentrification of the View
There is already talk of change. A neighbourhood committee has asked whether the observation deck might be improved with a cafe, a gift stall and a sign reading ‘Hand Roasted’, which would, of course, destroy the whole thing. Observers in London know the pattern well, since Hoxton gentrified faster than it could explain why, and the same swift trajectory could soon befall the Lower Manhattan skyline.
A real estate broker, who stood nearby with a clipboard and a hungry expression, said the surrounding area had already seen enquiries rise. ‘People are asking for flats with a view of the building with the view,’ he said. ‘It is a very attractive proposition. It is a view of a view.’
Practical Advice for Visiting the 1 Centre Street Observation Deck
Arrive early, since the locals do. Dress sensibly, since the wind is a free attraction in its own right. Do not tell anyone you found the deck on a list. Do not ask where the gift shop is. And do not, under any circumstances, look at the person next to you and say ‘I think we are the only tourists here’, because the answer is that you are the only tourists here, and the man beside you has lived in the city for sixty-one years.
The city, for its part, has seized on the success as proof that its hidden wonders are best left unmarketed. The Department of Tourism has announced a new strategy: tell no one. A proposed slogan, ‘New York: Don’t Come’, has tested well among residents and poorly among everyone else.
What the 1 Centre Street Observation Deck Says About Us
As one cultural critic noted, the story of the deck mirrors another recent trend in the city, in which riding a bike share is now said to prove you are authentic. Indeed, the hottest way to show you are an authentic New Yorker is now apparently a Citi Bike, and the two crazes feed one another: the bold local, atop a tower, looks down at a bike lane, and sees himself.
Visitors who want a gentler introduction to the art of being a tourist in a famously unwelcoming city will find a survival guide for the confused a useful companion. As always, the best views are found in the least expected places, and the least expected place in New York is a government building. Further adventures in the absurd daily life of cities can be found at NewsBiscuit, and this report is brought to you by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat.
SOURCE: bohiney.com