Upper East Side neighbours insist they were only ‘commuting efficiently’ while the Department of Environmental Protection reviews its definition of a rush hour
UES sewer diving has officially become a thing, and nobody on the Upper East Side wants to talk about it at brunch. Five people were seen climbing out of a single manhole earlier this week, the latest in a run of underground incidents that police say they are still investigating, and that residents say they are still pretending not to have noticed.
What UES Sewer Diving Actually Involves
According to a witness on East 80th Street, who asked to be identified only as a woman walking a very patient pug, the five emerged one at a time in a calm, orderly fashion, dusted themselves down and walked off in different directions as though leaving a mediocre wedding. ‘Nobody said a word,’ she said. ‘The last one nodded at the pug. The pug nodded back. I have never felt so outclassed.’
The Department of Environmental Protection has described the trend as ‘a surprising but not entirely unforeseeable use of public infrastructure’, which is bureaucratic for ‘we thought somebody would eventually try it’. A spokesman said manholes are intended to provide access to the sewer system for trained workers, in the same way that swimming pools are intended for swimming and the Hamptons are intended for being slightly late for something.
The Case for Going Down There
Local theorists have offered several explanations. The first is that rents on the Upper East Side have reached the point where the sewer now represents a competitive studio option, albeit one with poor natural light and a doorman who is technically a rat. The second is that the sewer is the last place in Manhattan where nobody asks what you do for a living.
The third, favoured by Dr. Marguerite Vandersloot of the Institute for Municipal Curiosity, is that New Yorkers simply cannot see a lid without wanting to know what is under it. ‘This is a city that has spent two centuries putting things on top of other things,’ she said. ‘Eventually somebody was going to lift one up. The surprise is that it took so long, and that the first adopters were not undergraduates.’
A Brief Guide to the Etiquette
Experts say participants should observe a few ground rules, none of which are official, all of which are now trending. Do not wear white. Do not bring a tote bag, since the sewer is not a farmers market. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to tip the man who lives there.
Residents Respond With Maximum Restraint
A co-op board on Park Avenue has convened an emergency session to discuss whether sewer access constitutes an amenity, and if so whether it should be added to the monthly maintenance charge. The board secretary said the vote was close. ‘Half the room said it would raise property values,’ he said. ‘The other half said the first half were already in the sewer.’
Nor is the underground fascination limited to New York. Britain has long tolerated its own relationship with the subterranean, and the London Underground continues to run largely on habit and apologies, while a low tide on the Thames once revealed a Victorian bicycle and three shopping trolleys all named Keith. The lesson from both cities is the same: whatever is down there has been waiting for you for a considerable time and is not ready for questions.
In another corner of the English capital, an urban fox once applied for council housing citing fifteen years of residence in the bins of Hackney. That application is still pending, as is the sewer-diving inquiry, and the two are not thought to be connected, although both involve a creature of the night attempting to be taken seriously by a local authority.
The Police Investigation Into UES Sewer Diving
The NYPD says it has opened a file, though it conceded the file has no clear subject. Detectives have interviewed three doormen, a florist and a man who sells umbrellas outside the 86th Street subway station, none of whom saw anything, and all of whom looked at their shoes. One officer privately admitted the case was complicated by the fact that ‘going into a sewer is not, strictly speaking, the crime. It is more of a lifestyle.’
The city is also weighing a proposal to add a velvet rope to the problem, on the grounds that anything on the Upper East Side that is not behind a velvet rope is assumed to be a hazard. A permit scheme is in early discussion, with a suggested cap of five divers per manhole per evening, which happens to be exactly the number observed this week, and which the Department insists is a coincidence.
Where This Leaves the Neighbourhood
Fresh from a long weekend of denial, the neighbourhood has settled into its usual posture of polite horror mixed with a quiet wish to be asked. Real estate brokers report a sharp uptick in enquiries for flats with ‘a direct line to the sewer’, and one listing describes a two-bedroom as having ‘subterranean connectivity and discreet exits’. It is going for four million dollars.
Elsewhere, the question of what lies beneath the city has other uses. The conversation over whether the new Penn Station will ever be built is, in a sense, a sewer problem of its own, and its future may be settled by the midterm elections. If it is, the divers will at least have somewhere to put their boots.
For a closer look at how London handles the municipal absurd, our guide to the city’s long history of laughing at itself is a good place to start. The final word on UES sewer diving belongs, as it should, to the pug. It has not yet commented. For more on the cheerful chaos of modern British institutions, see Newsthump, and this report comes to you via Bohiney Magazine with the compliments of The London Prat.
SOURCE: bohiney.com