Marxists Are Not Handling Trump Wins Well, and It’s Hilarious
The scene is always the same. A Republican-backed candidate wins, and suddenly, every self-proclaimed Marxist experiences the five stages of political grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, finally, a 3,000-word Substack rant about how democracy was never real to begin with. It’s a spectacle that makes reality TV look restrained.
Let’s explore exactly how modern Marxists are coping—or more accurately, not coping—with Trump-era Republican victories.
1. Marxists Are Learning Capitalism… The Hard Way
Remember when they shouted, “Capitalism is oppression!”? Well, they’ve now discovered that the free market applies to emotions, too. Every time a Trump-backed candidate wins, Marxists experience a sudden drop in the value of their sanity.
Take, for example, the recent trend of “emotional reparations.” After every Republican victory, social media is flooded with Venmo requests reading:
“Emotional labor isn’t free. CashApp: @TheRealProletariat.”
In 2024 alone, donations to “I Need Wine and Therapy Because Of The Election” outpaced GDP growth in several socialist utopias (read: vegan co-ops).
Economic downturn? No problem. Their emotional collapse is the market correction.
2. They’ve Abandoned Karl Marx for Groucho Marx
Nothing says “the revolution is coming” like posting self-deprecating memes from the comfort of a West Elm couch. These days, the manifesto-writing has been replaced with pure comedy.
Consider the latest wave of political TikToks:
- Title: “A Marxist Watches Election Results While Eating an Entire Block of Cheese”
- Content: Just a guy in a Che Guevara t-shirt sobbing, mumbling, “false consciousness, false consciousness!” as he scrolls through poll numbers.
Then there’s the guy who tweeted:
“The bourgeoisie control the means of production AND the electoral map. Coincidence? I think not.”
Revolution? Maybe later. For now, they’ve got memes to make.
3. Marxists Are Now Quoting Adam Smith… About Therapy Costs
“The invisible hand is strangling my mental health!”
It turns out, they do believe in supply and demand—specifically, the rising demand for therapy after every GOP win.
A recent poll in The Worker’s Gazette found that 86% of self-identified socialists now believe therapy should be a publicly funded necessity, citing the trauma of having to read election results.
Marxists have gone from “Seize the means of production!” to “Seize the means of mental health coverage!” in under four years. At this rate, by 2026, they’ll be selling wellness crystals with hand-drawn hammers and sickles.
4. They’re Forming Worker Cooperatives… to Split Therapy Bills
They’ve given up on collectivizing factories and started collectivizing therapy expenses.
A recent flyer at a coffee shop in Brooklyn read:
“Join our Anti-Capitalist Mental Health Co-op! For just $5 a month, you get access to three shared therapists, one emotional support dog, and a designated ‘crisis buddy’ for election nights.”
Another Marxist startup (ironically, funded by venture capital) is offering “therapy timeshares.” It works like UberPool, but for emotional meltdowns. If you’re sad about voter turnout in Michigan, someone else can jump on the call and be sad about Senate races in Arizona.
The future is communal suffering.
5. They Tried to Seize the Means of Production… of Town Hall Q&A Sessions
At a recent Republican town hall, a self-identified Marxist stood up and declared:
“I demand the right to speak for as long as necessary to explain dialectical materialism!”
The moderator kindly reminded him that other people had questions. He responded:
“False consciousness! You are all living under an illusion!”
After seven minutes of uninterrupted lecturing, someone in the audience countered:
“Buddy, I just came here to ask about potholes.”
Revolutions, much like town hall meetings, rarely go according to plan.
6. Marxists Are Now Writing Manifestos… In Yelp Reviews
Gone are the days of thick revolutionary tomes. Instead, they now vent their frustration in one-star Yelp reviews.
- “This town hall was a NIGHTMARE. I tried explaining the labor theory of value, and they kept asking me to ‘stay on topic.’ STAY ON TOPIC? The topic is CLASS WARFARE. Smh.”
- “Unacceptable. The bourgeoisie continues to dominate the Q&A session, and I wasn’t even allowed to finish my 45-minute speech on historical materialism.”
It turns out that while revolutionaries may be against private property, they’re very much in favor of public complaining.
7. They’ve Moved from “Abolish Private Property” to “Abolish Republican Majorities”
Let’s be real. If a referendum to ban all private property were on the ballot, they’d still be more focused on getting rid of Trump-backed candidates.
One Marxist protester in North Carolina was caught on camera shouting:
“I don’t even CARE about capitalism right now. I just want a single Republican to lose. Just ONE!”
Meanwhile, a study found that 92% of self-identified Marxists can’t name a single labor law proposal from their own movement—but can name every GOP election win since 2016.
It turns out their true enemy isn’t capitalism, it’s losing.
8. They Are Demanding Congress Pass Universal Rage Relief
If billionaires get tax breaks, why can’t they get a federally subsidized rage outlet?
“We propose the Emotional Redistribution Act—where every GOP voter must donate 10 minutes of listening time per week to hear us vent about why this is unfair.”
“Tears are a form of labor, and I demand compensation!”
A proposal to make emotional support margaritas a tax write-off is already gaining traction among progressive lawmakers.
9. They Are Building a Utopian Commune… in the Whole Foods Parking Lot
Since the government won’t give them what they want, they’ve decided to build their own utopia.
Last week, 17 Marxists were found attempting to establish a communal living experiment in a Whole Foods parking lot.
“We have shared everything—except our kombucha stash. Some things remain sacred.”
Unfortunately, the revolution ended abruptly when a city official informed them that zoning laws still exist.
10. Their Revolution Now Includes an Intermission for Self-Care
Every uprising needs breaks for meditation and breathing exercises.
A new group called “Proletariat Wellness” has emerged, arguing that the key to ending capitalism is first ensuring good emotional balance.
“You can’t smash the state if you’re not grounded in your chakras first!”
This explains why 64% of modern-day Marxist meetings now include mandatory yoga.
11. They Believe History Is on Their Side… But History Keeps Trolling Them
“We are on the right side of history!”
History: “Are you, though?”
Marxists were so sure that “the revolution was inevitable”—until reality showed up with exit polls.
At this point, history is just cyberbullying them.
12. They’re Proposing New Economic Models Based Entirely on Rage-Click Engagement
Since capitalism isn’t working for them, they’ve pivoted to rage engagement as an economic model.
“I may not own a house, but I own the replies section of this tweet!”
A professor recently suggested that “Marxism in the digital era is fueled by the number of quote tweets one can generate.”
By that logic, Elon Musk is the new Karl Marx.
13. They’ve Switched from Das Kapital to Doomscrolling
They once studied dialectical materialism—now they just study 538 election forecasts.
A leaked group chat revealed messages like:
“Guys, I’m spiraling. What are the midterm projections in Georgia?”
“Please tell me we’re winning in Wisconsin before I have a breakdown.”
Marxists don’t read theory anymore. They read Nate Silver’s Twitter feed.
14. They Are Now Yelling “Seize the Means of Ballot Counting!”
When they win? “Democracy is working!”
When they lose? “This was OBVIOUSLY rigged.”
Somewhere, Karl Marx is watching from the afterlife thinking:
“I didn’t mean ‘seize the means’ like this.”
15. Marxists Have Stopped Reading Theory and Started Reading Election Results Like Horror Novels
The scariest thing they can imagine? A GOP victory in a swing state.
“I can’t sleep. What if Florida turns red again?”
The only thing they’re analyzing in depth now is… county-by-county turnout.
Conclusion: The Revolution Will Be Livestreamed (And Then Canceled When the WiFi Goes Out)
At this rate, modern Marxists will soon abandon their movement entirely for a full-time career in political Twitter discourse.
The dictatorship of the proletariat? No thanks. The dictatorship of rage-posting? That’s the future.
