Machines now chase bonuses
New Yorks financial elite have finally been automated. According to reports, Wall Street has begun replacing its bankers with humanoid robots programmed to yell “buy, sell, buy” while drinking overpriced cold brew.
The robots wear Patagonia vests, hog Citi Bikes, and network aggressively at SoulCycle. “Theyre indistinguishable from the originals,” admitted one trader, who was fired after a robot beat him at expense-report fraud.
Banks praise the shift. “Robots dont ask for bonuses, except in Bitcoin,” said a Goldman Sachs executive. However, critics worry about glitches, like the JPMorgan bot that tried to short-sell pigeons or the Citibank android that offered free hugs to tourists in Times Square.
Tabloids cashed in. “BOT STREET” screamed the Post. The Daily News countered: “FIRMWARE PROFITS.” TikTok launched #BankerBot, showing influencers teaching robots to spill martinis while yelling at interns.
Mayor Adams welcomed the machines, claiming they would “boost efficiency and reduce cocaine prices.” Governor Hochul, however, worried the robots might unionize with the pigeons, sparking a cyber-feather labor war.
For now, Wall Street hums with the sound of gears, proving capitalism truly runs on wires, caffeine, and questionable ethics.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/wall-street-bankers-replaced-by-robots/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/wall-street-bankers-replaced-by-robots/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
