Woman’s MRI Scan

Woman’s MRI Scan: The Butt Plug That Tried to Escape During an MRI Scan

FDA Demands ‘Truth in Toys’ After Metal Detected Where Sun Don’t Shine

By Velvet C. Tesla, SpinTaxi’s Senior Medical Magnetism Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what experts are calling “the most erotically charged emergency since the invention of the vibrating toothbrush,” an unnamed woman’s MRI scan at a local clinic turned into a magnetic nightmare after her unassuming companion — a supposedly “100% silicone” butt plug — revealed its metallic soul at exactly the wrong time.

Eyewitnesses describe the event as part Grey’s Anatomy, part Looney Tunes, and entirely unforgettable.

“It was like the MRI tried to repossess her sins,” said radiology intern Mitch Flanders, still nursing psychological trauma. “We’ve seen people forget piercings, but this… this was tactical rear warfare.”

Welcome to America, where medical imaging is just foreplay to federal investigation, and where nobody can hear your butt plug scream.

What Exactly Happened?

MRI Tech Suffers PTSD After Rectal Launch Event

According to medical reports leaked by a janitor who moonlights as a TikTok astrologer, the woman entered the MRI suite for a routine abdominal scan. She signed the “no metal on or in your person” form with the confidence of a seasoned TSA dodger.

But as the magnets spun and the humming began, the woman’s butt plug — alleged to be a sleek silicone model named “The Ambassador” — performed a maneuver not seen since Elon Musk’s last rocket test.

“It shot north,” said a nurse who requested anonymity. “Magnetically north. That’s not even a direction in anatomy.”

Forensic Physiology: A Field Day

An investigative team of physicists, gastroenterologists, and two confused poets from a nearby open mic night gathered to analyze what went wrong. Preliminary findings suggest the plug contained a neodymium core — the kind of magnetic metal you’d usually find in hard drives, headphone speakers, and regrettable DIY hoverboard projects.

Dr. Angela Torquefield, chief of Magnetic Mishap Review at Johns Hopkins, explained:

“MRI machines create a magnetic field strong enough to realign hydrogen atoms. When you introduce a rogue object forged in the fires of Mordor — or China’s novelty factories — chaos ensues.”

Indeed, MRI suites are designed to scan human anatomy, not detect tiny insurgent satellites in your rectum.

The Marketing Problem: “100% Silicone” My Asterisk

The object in question, sold on Amazon by a seller named “YeehawPlezurez99,” was labeled as “100% silicone, hypoallergenic, dishwasher safe, and perfect for beginners or advanced users of rear-based enlightenment.”

But further inspection of the item’s fine print (accessible only by microscope and legal subpoena) revealed the clause:

“May contain trace elements of metal, destiny, and moral ambiguity.”

This caveat, tucked between decorative emoji and discount codes for nipple clamps, didn’t reach the FDA’s required transparency standard, nor humanity’s basic decency threshold.

The Patient Speaks (Sort Of)

TikTok Challenge: Can Your Plug Survive an MRI?

In a statement released through her attorney — an Ivy League-educated man named Dante Lovewell, Esq. who also represents three TikTok witches and a haunted blender — the woman stated:

“I had no idea there was metal inside me. I trusted the label. And frankly, if you can’t trust YeehawPlezurez99, who can you trust in America?”

The woman is currently considering a lawsuit against Amazon, the butt plug manufacturer, the hospital, the laws of electromagnetism, and possibly Nikola Tesla posthumously.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“I didn’t know my ex-wife was working at Amazon’s fulfillment center. That kind of deception takes practice.”
— Ron White

“She went in for a scan and came out with a new zodiac sign: Metallic Rising.”
— Ali Wong

“The plug wanted freedom. And like most of us, it tried to go through the colon first.”
— Ricky Gervais

“This is what happens when you mix medical imaging with BDSM: Butts Doing Spontaneous Migration.”
— Trevor Noah

“The next time I hear someone say, ‘Stick it where the sun don’t shine,’ I’m asking about the metallic content first.”
— Bill Burr

The MRI Tech’s Side of the Story

We caught up with the MRI technician, 26-year-old Vanessa Mirth, currently on leave and seeking therapy involving anti-magnetism affirmations.

“I asked if she had metal in or on her body. She said, ‘Nope, just vibes.’ Then twenty seconds later, the machine sounded like it was giving birth to a xylophone. That thing rattled through her like it was racing to an Apple Genius Bar.”

Vanessa’s trauma is so deep that she now flinches when someone opens a fridge magnet pack.

History of Magnetic Injustice

This isn’t the first time sex toys and MRIs have collided.

• In 2017, a man in Toronto entered an MRI with what he called “a prostate mood ring,” which triggered a fire alarm and accidentally called his ex-wife.

• In 2021, a couple in Tokyo forgot to remove their mutual chastity belt before a scan, resulting in an accidental engagement ceremony at 6 Tesla.

Clearly, we live in a world where personal pleasure devices have become ticking time bombs when exposed to magnets, microwaves, or Catholicism.

The Lawsuit: United States v. Magneto’s Mistress

The legal implications are enormous. Several lawmakers have expressed interest in regulating “butt-based ferromagnetic devices,” with Senator Lindsey Graham warning:

“We can’t have rogue plugs sabotaging our healthcare system. That’s what China wants.”

Meanwhile, a class-action suit is forming against novelty item manufacturers who use the phrase “100% silicone” like it’s a birthright, rather than a scientific standard.

Cultural Fallout: Twitter Reacts

@ButtPhysicsDaily: “We warned y’all about magnetic colon drift in 2018. Stay safe. #PluggedAndPerilous”

@NPRButFunny: “A woman walked into an MRI with a mystery. She left with a missile. Full story at 9.”

@FlatEarthButMakeItSpicy: “Proof that the Earth is round: that plug curved.”

Scientific Analysis (From Dr. Kevin Blurt, Buttstuff Physicist)

“People forget that ferromagnetic materials want to move in magnetic fields. They are eager. Passionate, even. The moment that machine started humming, that butt plug made a decision: I must ascend.”

According to Dr. Blurt, the G-force exerted on the plug likely rivaled the velocity of an NFL football during a field goal. The problem is, the human colon is not a football field. It is a cul-de-sac, and things are not meant to rocket through it uninvited.

Polls Show Americans Divided

A SpinTaxi.com poll of 5,000 Americans (conducted in front of a Spencer’s Gifts and two Arby’s) revealed the following:

• 62% believe MRI warnings should now include “Are you currently storing a science experiment in your butt?”

• 18% blamed the woman for “not reading the vibe chart”

• 12% said, “I’m just here for the comments”

• 8% submitted their own plug brand for medical testing

Meanwhile, German citizens unanimously replied, “Ja, but why not just use wood like we do?”

International Reactions

France: “This is why we do not mix medicine with pleasure — unless it involves wine.”

Japan: “An anime adaptation is already in production. Title: Rear Magnetron: Escape from Within.”

Russia: “Our MRI machines remove entire sins. America is weak.”

Hospital’s New Policies

In response to the incident, the hospital has introduced a new intake form with the following added questions:

• “Are you currently harboring novelty items in your body?”

• “Do any of your organs double as wireless charging docks?”

• “Are you wearing a fitness tracker internally?”

They’ve also posted large signs reading: “IF YOU BOUGHT IT FROM ETSY, TELL US NOW.”

The New Age Wellness Community Reacts

Several “buttfluenceurs” — social media personalities dedicated to holistic booty health — took to Instagram to express concern and capitalize on the virality.

@HealingHolez posted a sponsored reel titled “Detox Your Chakras with Non-Magnetic Probes (FDA-ish Approved).”

Meanwhile, Goop issued a clarification that none of its rear insertables are MRI-compatible and recommended “auric shielding” before scans.

Final Thoughts from SpinTaxi Magazine (Since 1947)

The MRI scandal has ignited debates around product labeling, medical transparency, and the deep mysteries of pleasure-meets-science. More importantly, it’s taught us one crucial thing: Silicone lies.

At SpinTaxi, where satire meets skepticism, we stand firm in our belief that if your sex toy has any chance of navigating toward your pancreas during a magnetic field, it does not belong in the “Beginner” category.

Until then, we encourage consumers to:

• Read labels thoroughly.

• Disclose everything to medical professionals, even if it involves hand puppets.

• Never assume your body is a Swiss Army knife that can withstand tungsten-level experimentation.

Auf Wiedersehen, and may your rear adventures remain magnet-free.

Sources:

• Woman’s Butt Plug Declares Asylum During MRI, Flies Northbound

• MRI Tech Suffers PTSD After Rectal Launch Event

• FDA Demands ‘Truth in Toys’ After Metal Detected Where Sun Don’t Shine

• New Public Service Campaign: “Know Your Plug’s Core”

• Amazon Sued by Rear-End Victim, Trial Held in a Giant Magnet

• TikTok Challenge: Can Your Plug Survive an MRI?

• China Accused of Infiltrating America’s Anuses with Magnetic Spy Probes