Ten Immutable Realities the Political Left Swears Are Social Constructs (Because Science Hurts Their Feelings)
By Sofia Rodriguez | Culture | SpinTaxi Magazine
It began with gender. Then it moved to race. Then to math. Then breakfast. Now the left has launched a full-scale epistemological napalm campaign against reality itself-one tweet, TikTok, and university syllabus at a time. What’s real? What’s fake? Ask a modern progressive and they’ll say, “Everything is fake unless it validates my identity and gets likes on Instagram.”
Today, SpinTaxi dives deep into the ten absolute, observable, testable, smellable, undeniable truths that the political left insists are “social constructs”-all while being crushed by them in real time.
Gravity: The Unconsensual Hug of the Earth
At a recent climate protest in San Francisco, a barefoot activist hurled a compostable smoothie cup into the air and shouted, “This is for Sir Isaac Newton, the patriarchal architect of planetary oppression!” The cup immediately fell and splashed acai on a passing therapist. The irony was not composted.
Gravity, the pesky force that holds us to the Earth and gives yoga its market value, has come under leftist attack for years. One Twitter user argued: “Gravity only exists because we believe in it. Manifest levitation!”
The Biden administration reportedly considered funding a $12 million “Lived Experience Anti-Gravity Grant” until Kamala Harris slipped on an anti-racism mural and gravity said “Hello.”
Death: The Ultimate Cancellation
Death is no longer inevitable. It’s just a vibe. According to a Yale postmodern theology course called Dying While Woke, death is a capitalist punishment for non-productivity. “Life expectancy is just another form of privilege,” claimed one student, moments before overdrafting her DoorDash account.
Hospice care centers have been rebranded as “Existential Deprogramming Facilities,” and the Grim Reaper was recently sued for gender misidentification after referring to a nonbinary poet as “he.”
Still, every woke theorist eventually meets the same unconstructed end: horizontal, cold, and surprisingly ungrateful.
Weather: Nature’s Microaggression
The left is convinced that weather is problematic. Rain is passive-aggressive. Sunlight is “ableist.” And wind? That’s literal gaslighting.
Last week, a prominent influencer blamed her seasonal depression on “heteronormative clouds.” The city of Portland responded by instituting an ordinance requiring clouds to apply for parade permits.
Meanwhile, hurricanes have been accused of being “cisgender storms” due to their binary naming system. Climate activists now propose naming hurricanes after TikTok handles to better reflect their emotional impact.
FEMA has already rejected emergency relief applications that use the phrase “natural disaster”-replacing it with “consent-optional climate encounter.”
Math: The Final Frontier of Oppression
If numbers make you uncomfortable, congratulations: You might be qualified to teach math in Seattle. Math has been declared racist, sexist, classist, and somehow homophobic-even though it’s too nerdy to get laid.
In one school district, a teacher was fired for writing 2+2=4 without a trigger warning.
“What even IS a number?” asked one activist during a protest. “It’s a white man’s attempt to put us all in boxes. And I’m a circle.”
A new educational standard called “Feelings-Based Arithmetic” allows students to write that 5 times 5 equals “trauma,” and that’s a valid answer as long as it’s submitted on recycled paper.
Time: The Clock Is Literally Ticking on Your Privilege
The concept of time has long been under attack. Punctuality, once a virtue, is now considered a microaggression against people with unstructured sleep cycles and deep attachments to astrology apps.
At a recent academic conference titled Chrononormativity and Clock Colonialism, speakers argued that the 24-hour day is an artifact of Eurocentric control.
A new movement called “Horological Anarchism” believes we should abolish time entirely and simply vibe through existence. Unfortunately, their rally started late because no one knew when it began.
A satirical app called “When?” allows users to RSVP to events using only feelings, moon phases, and Spotify playlists. It has 2 million downloads.
Biological Sex: Canceled at the Chromosomal Level
Once upon a time, humans were born with bodies and bones. Then came the pamphlets. Now, if you acknowledge the existence of XY chromosomes, you’re officially an oppressor.
A famous liberal columnist recently wrote: “Science is violence.” Their readers responded by demanding the Smithsonian apologize to skeletons for assigning them sex posthumously.
The Museum of Natural History was forced to remove “male/female” from its fossil descriptions and replace them with “Tyrannosaurus in transition.”
In academia, you’re now required to refer to sperm as “consensually mobile gender particles.”
Dogs: The Problematic Pet Binary
Canines, once man’s best friend, have been reassigned as problematic symbols of toxic loyalty and enforced domesticity. A group in Brooklyn known as Dogs Against Speciesism (D.A.S.) argues that even the concept of “pet” is domination disguised as affection.
“We don’t walk our dogs,” said group founder Iris Fern. “They walk with us in mutual liberation.”
In their latest protest, D.A.S. members freed 47 poodles from a grooming salon. Six promptly ate gluten, three ran into traffic, and one self-identified as a libertarian and bit the mailman.
The SPCA is now requiring all dogs to undergo consent training before fetching.
The Moon: Celestial Colonizer
Astrology used to be fun. Now it’s a moral obligation. And the moon has been accused of reflecting problematic light-specifically, light from the masculine sun.
“The moon is a mirror of the patriarchy,” said a Medium blogger named Venus Thermos. “It waxes and wanes, just like cis-male approval.”
A group of college students held a lunar protest titled #NotMySatellite, waving signs that read “Moonlight Is Emotional Labor” and “Stop Gentrifying the Night Sky.”
NASA is now developing “nonbinary rocket boosters” for future missions.
Food: Oppression You Can Eat
Gone are the days when you could enjoy a sandwich without contemplating its geopolitical implications. The left now sees food not as sustenance, but as a colonial act of mastication.
“I don’t eat. I just embody resistance,” said TikTok activist @SoyFreeSadness, sipping dandelion water through a bamboo straw.
In certain neighborhoods, toasting bread is considered cultural appropriation, and gluten is a metaphor for late-stage capitalism.
Whole Foods has issued a statement acknowledging their role in “bread privilege” and announced a new line of ethically harvested, culturally repentant crackers.
Babies: Consent-Free Beings
Once celebrated, babies are now suspect. Why? Because they can’t opt into existence. One Berkeley panel argued that we should “give infants legal personhood at 30 days, once they’ve had time to reflect.”
There’s a growing online movement called “Postpartum Consent Culture” that seeks to abolish baby showers on grounds of “fetal surveillance.”
One activist claimed: “Diapers are the first form of carceral state conditioning. Free the tushies!”
New parents now face pressure to refer to their child as “Theyby”-a genderless potato with rights but no responsibilities.
Meanwhile, the baby is still crying and just wants a bottle. Reality remains undefeated.
What the Funny People Are Saying
Dave Chappelle: “So math is racist now? Great. I’m gonna pay my taxes in interpretive dance.”
Sarah Silverman: “If death is a social construct, does that mean I can cancel mine?”
Bill Burr: “Gravity’s a conspiracy? Then why does my beer fall every damn time I drop it?”
Ricky Gervais: “Imagine telling the moon it’s problematic. That’s the kind of crazy you can only get with a philosophy degree and rich parents.”
Ali Wong: “My baby didn’t consent to being born, but she did consent to pooping on everything I own.”
Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with time? It’s either always offensive or always late!”
In Conclusion: Reconstructing Reality, One Collapse at a Time
What ties all these delusions together? A refusal to acknowledge that some things simply are. Gravity isn’t up for debate. Death isn’t optional. Math doesn’t need an emotional support llama.
But in today’s ideological buffet, you can build your own reality-just don’t try walking off a building to prove it.
The left’s war on truth is less about liberation and more about exhaustion. Because when everything is a construct, nothing means anything, and your avocado toast becomes a fascist artifact.
Disclaimer: This article is a fully human collaboration between a tenured professor of metaphysics and a dairy farmer with a podcast. It contains irony, sarcasm, parody, observational humor, and trace elements of science.
Time Zones Are Colonialist: Why Clocks Are Racist, Sexist, and TikTok-Phobic
Let’s begin with the obvious: time zones were invented by railroad barons, i.e., white men with pocket watches, monocles, and deeply problematic facial hair. Time zones are nothing more than cartographic prisons, slicing up Mother Earth like a colonized grapefruit. The globe doesn’t know it’s 3 PM in Chicago. Only your exploitative Outlook calendar does. And who standardized global time? Britain. That’s right-Greenwich Mean Time is the Queen’s lingering revenge. It’s imperialist punctuality imposed on our chaotic spiritual rhythms. Being late isn’t lazy. It’s decolonized temporality. Worse, clocks don’t respect identity. They’re binary (tick/tock), and they refuse to acknowledge your emotional timeline. A TikToker named @ChronoWoke recently launched a campaign to replace all clocks with rotating mood wheels. “I’m not late,” she says. “I’m in my vulnerable reflection window.” Time zones are also patriarchal. Daylight Saving Time was invented by a man who wanted more hours to golf. What about women? What about queer owls who thrive at 2 AM? Should they be excluded just because of “business hours”? In response, activists have created ChronoJustice Circles where participants meet whenever they feel like it. No one shows up, but that’s the point. Time cannot oppress those who refuse to wear watches. If clocks were inclusive, they would beep affirmations like “You’re doing your best” instead of buzzing like capitalist cattle prods. Until then, I refuse to be shackled to minutes, hours, and Outlook invites. Time is a white-collar lie. TikTok isn’t a clock; it’s a lifestyle. So next time someone says you’re late, just tell them: “I don’t believe in time-only in vibes.”
I Identify as a Gravity-Free Spirit: My Life in Zero-G Consciousness
Gravity is the last socially accepted form of oppression. While society pressures me to “stay grounded,” I reject the tyranny of Earth’s pull. I identify as gravity-fluid, meaning I float above labels-and sidewalks. My awakening began during a yoga class when I ascended 3 inches during downward dog. My instructor screamed. I levitated. Doctors diagnosed me with vertigo. I called it vertical liberation. You say “falling down.” I say “transcending structural weight bias.” Every day is a struggle against mass-centric norms. Seatbelts, stairs, chairs-tools of gravitational gatekeeping. Elevators? They’re fine. But I demand the option to emotionally hover. I once got kicked out of Whole Foods for attempting a zero-gravity protest in the gluten-free aisle. My sign read, “My Spirit Soars, Let My Body Follow.” Someone tripped on my tether cord. Society wasn’t ready. NASA rejected my application to join the International Space Station on the grounds that I lacked “training, credentials, and mental coherence.” I call that floatphobia. At night, I dream of anti-gravity sanctuaries where no one forces you to stand in line or wear orthopedic shoes. Until then, I use helium balloons and inner peace to stay unanchored. Some say I’m delusional. I say: just because your soul is heavy doesn’t mean mine has to be. Stay light, stay woke.
I Tried to Cancel Death and All I Got Was Cremated
Death is a construct. A social myth reinforced by Big Casket and the necro-industrial complex. When my astrologer told me Pluto was in retrograde, I knew it was time to cancel mortality. I started a campaign: #DeathIsOver. It trended briefly until two wellness influencers died from trying to detox death using kombucha and sage. Still, I persisted. I stopped wearing black. I created affirmations: “I am infinite,” “My mitochondria are valid,” and “Worms are cannibalistic fascists.” My death certificate would not be signed without my consent. Then I died. A freak incident involving a goat yoga retreat, a trampoline, and expired hummus. As I hovered in the in-between, I demanded to speak with the Manager of Reality. Instead, I met Death. He wore a robe made of dry cleaning bags and muttered, “You again?” Apparently I had filed 22 formal complaints from my past lives. I tried to unionize the afterlife. The ghosts ghosted me. Even Hell has zoning laws. Eventually, I was cremated. The urn is compostable and identifies as a vase. My legacy lives on in a TED Talk no one asked for: “Beyond Dying: Embracing Perpetual Non-Endingness.” Ashes to ashes, unless you file an appeal.
The Moon Is Problematic: A Feminist Rebuttal to Celestial Whiteness
The moon, once celebrated by poets and werewolves alike, has become the newest target of intersectional critique. I looked up one night and thought: “Why is she so pale? So round? So… center-stage in every romantic scene ever shot by male directors?” Let’s get this straight: the moon reflects light from the sun. She has no light of her own. That’s called emotional labor. A collective of astrologically oppressed womxn launched #DecenterTheMoon. They say it’s time to acknowledge lunar privilege-being constantly visible, dictating tides, and ruining women’s moods without apology. Moonlight is now understood to be an erasure of darker skies. A light-skinned celestial body dominating the night? Check your crater privilege. During a full moon last month, I held a protest drum circle and was immediately dive-bombed by moths-white moths. Coincidence? I think not. We demand an inclusive lunar model. One that phases based on emotional availability. One that glows in colors reflecting BIPOC starlight. Until then, I sleep with blackout curtains and write poems titled, “Moon-splaining: When the Sky Won’t Shut Up.” Let’s decolonize the cosmos, starting with that smug nightlight in the sky.
Math Is Violence: Stop Solving Problems, Start Feeling Them
Math is the only subject that requires you to be wrong… in public. And that’s violent. The tyranny of correct answers is a direct assault on neurodivergent expression, and also why I failed pre-algebra. Numbers are aggressive shapes. Look at the number 7. That’s a shiv. Even geometry is shady-why are triangles always pointing at me? I enrolled in a radical counting circle. We use emotions, not integers. Two apples plus two apples equals “anxiety,” depending on context and apple origin. The quadratic formula? Colonizer code. Pi? A fat-shaming circle. And don’t get me started on mathletes-literal numerical supremacists in khakis. Abolish the SAT. Replace it with a dance. Or at least vibe-based calculus. I once submitted a feelings collage as my accounting final. My professor gave me an F and a pamphlet for trade school. I now run a nonprofit called “Alge-bro No!” Our mission: dismantle STEM in favor of STEAMY-Sensual Thought, Embodied Awareness, and Mantra Yoga. So no, I will not “carry the one.” I will cradle the one, give it emotional support, and let it decide what number it wants to be.
Ten Things That Aren’t Social Constructs (But the Left Insists Are, for Reasons Known Only to Their Compost Bins)
Reality Check Bounced
In the grand progressive pursuit of deconstructing everything from bathroom signage to biological fact, the political left has declared open season on… well, reality itself. From claiming gravity is a tool of patriarchy to suspecting breakfast cereal is a neo-colonial plot, here are ten things that absolutely are not social constructs-but try telling that to someone double-majoring in Gender Studies and Interpretive Dance.
1. Gravity
Despite zero peer-reviewed journal entries from Berkeley, gravity remains a natural phenomenon. Yet, somewhere in a gender-neutral yurt, someone insists gravity was invented by Isaac Newton to keep marginalized communities “down.”
“That’s just YOUR lived experience of falling,” said activist Skylark Moon, seconds before tripping over their own Birkenstocks.
2. Death
Try as they might, even the most enlightened Marxist can’t theorize their way out of dying. One grad student tweeted, “Death is a capitalist myth designed to end worker productivity.” Karl Marx died anyway.
3. Weather
According to some activists, snow is racist and hurricanes are transphobic. The Weather Channel tried to identify as “climate-queer” last winter but was still blamed for wind.
The phrase “weather privilege” has now appeared unironically in Teen Vogue.
4. Math
“Math is a white supremacist construct,” claimed a Portland school district-presumably right before calculating teacher pensions using binary math and capitalist interest formulas.
One protestor held a sign reading: “2 + 2 = Whose truth?”
5. Time
Time is now “problematic.” Clocks? Colonial. Calendars? Oppressive. Time zones? Neo-liberal tyranny. Meanwhile, they’re still setting their iPhones to wake them up for yoga.
Irony: they’re always late, but somehow it’s your fault.
6. Biological Sex
This one’s obvious. If you’ve got bones, gametes, or any trace of DNA, you might be harboring a “dangerous biological opinion.” Skeletons are now being retroactively canceled by Smithsonian interns.
Breaking: Archaeologists forced to issue apologies on behalf of unearthed Neanderthal gender norms.
7. Dogs
Yes, even dogs are now allegedly social constructs. One activist claimed: “The concept of a ‘dog’ is a Eurocentric imposition on free-spirited fur beings.” Another demanded dog parks include non-canine access for furries identifying as Labradors.
The result? Emotional support iguanas in heat disrupting brunch.
8. The Moon
According to one Tumblr influencer, “The moon only reflects masculine light-it’s the cis-planet of the solar system.” NASA has been asked to apologize to “shadow-identifying lunar spirits.”
Elon Musk promised to build a “gender-fluid Mars” instead. Stocks went up.
9. Food
Eating is now a political act. Steak? Toxic masculinity. Almond milk? Agricultural colonialism. Kale? Gentrified lettuce. You can’t just be hungry anymore-you need an intersectional critique of your sandwich.
“I no longer consume food,” one activist wrote, “I just absorb narratives.”
10. Babies
Incredibly, actual human babies are now under review. Terms like “assigned baby at birth” are being used unironically. One Berkeley panel proposed letting newborns “opt into existence” after a week-long consciousness workshop.
There’s now a TED Talk titled “Are Infants Oppressing Us With Their Cuteness?”
Closing Statement: You Can’t Construct a Parachute Out of Vibes
While most of us are still living in a world where the sun rises, apples fall, and babies cry, there’s a fringe intellectual contingent arguing that none of it is real unless it aligns with their TikTok microphilosophy.
But in the end, you can only deny gravity, biology, and hunger for so long. Eventually, you’ll fall, poop, or snack-and none of those are social constructs. They’re just… life. Messy, inconvenient, and real.