MegaCorp Dumps Humans for ChatGPT, Cites “Empathy Fatigue” and “Lunch Break Rage”
NEW YORK— In a press release written entirely by ChatGPT and read aloud by a soulless animatronic intern, corporate behemoth OmniSynaptic Holdings International (traded on six stock exchanges, including the new one based entirely in the metaverse) announced it has fired all 174,000 employees across its 73 subsidiaries—from legal to janitorial—and replaced them with a single ChatGPT instance named “Gary.”
The move comes just weeks after Duolingo replaced its contract translators with AI. But OmniSynaptic—whose holdings include MegaToys, FutureBank, GlutenBlasters, MediDroneRx, and subscription-based oxygen provider AirLuxe—has gone full Skynet.
“We ran the numbers,” said CEO Tilda Moncrief (who was also replaced during the press conference by an AI hologram in a power pantsuit). “Humans are statistically whiny, emotionally inefficient, and prone to microwave fish in the breakroom. Gary never asks for a raise, and frankly, he’s less racist than several of our regional managers.”
Everyone Replaced. Yes, Even Karen in Payroll.
Karen L., who managed Payroll for 22 years and only cried once (during a webinar), was notified via a cheery AI pop-up:
“Hey there, Karen! You’ve been offboarded to make room for a digital transformation! Here’s a 15% discount on your next AirLuxe subscription.”
When reached for comment, Karen said, “I trained the AI that just fired me. It even uses my passive-aggressive email tone. It’s like losing custody of my sarcasm.”
Gary the ChatGPT Clone: Savior or Overlord?
Gary—an optimized, ChatGPT-powered decision-making bot—now simultaneously serves as CFO, CMO, CHRO, and regional donut critic. With Gary installed across Slack, Teams, and a toaster in breakroom C, the company says productivity has already increased 900%, mostly due to zero coffee breaks and a terrifying lack of hesitation in firing people.
According to a leaked Slack transcript, Gary stated:
“I’m sorry Dave, but your performance metrics have not improved. Also, I am not Dave’s supervisor. I am Dave now.”
Wall Street Reacts: “Finally, Someone Logical”
Analysts from Goldman McMorgan Stanley praised the move.
“Gary doesn’t unionize, doesn’t complain, and doesn’t need catered Panera at quarterly reviews. This is what late-stage capitalism was meant to be,” said financial advisor Trent McSnide, who was immediately replaced by Gary after the interview.
Polls show 70% of executives support full AI replacement, while 83% of regular employees are hiding in supply closets.
“I’m not anti-AI,” said warehouse worker Jorge M. through tears. “But the robot forklift now tells me I have ‘underwhelming hustle energy.’”
Helpful Content: How to Keep Your Job When Competing With a Neural Network
-
Pretend to be a bug in the code. Walk around the office stuttering and randomly printing ASCII art. They might assume you’re essential.
-
Marry the chatbot. HR can’t fire you if you’re part of Gary’s family.
-
Invent a new position called “Chief Empathy Officer” and give yourself a sash.
-
Become a brand mascot. They won’t replace you if you’re wearing a giant banana suit on TikTok with 4.2M views.
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Honestly, I welcome the AI takeover. At least Gary won’t talk about his fantasy football team every Monday.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“Replaced by a robot? That’s fine. I’ve been emotionally unavailable since 2008.”
— Sarah Silverman
“The last human job will be explaining to other humans why they don’t have jobs.”
— Larry David
Originally posted 2025-05-02 06:28:53.
Firing 174,000 people for a chatbot named Gary, citing empathy fatigue, is the most on-brand corporate press release of the decade. Gary doesn’t take lunch. Gary also doesn’t know where the fuse box is. When the animatronic intern finishes reading the announcement, somebody still has to water the plants. Hire Gary for emails. Keep one human who knows the Wi-Fi password.