Brussels Officials Beg US to ‘Tone It Down’ for Mental Health of European Observers
The European Parliament unanimously passed a resolution Thursday formally requesting that the United States “please calm down” and “maybe take a few weeks off from politics” because European citizens are experiencing collective anxiety from watching American news coverage. The unprecedented diplomatic action came after a particularly chaotic Wednesday in Washington that caused seventeen EU officials to require emergency stress counseling and three to quit politics entirely to become sheep farmers in rural Ireland.
German Chancellor Friedrich Weber delivered the resolution during a somber press conference in Brussels, speaking slowly and carefully as if addressing an unstable relative at Thanksgiving dinner. “We say this with love and concern: you need help,” Weber announced, surrounded by representatives from all 27 member states who nodded supportively. “We have universal healthcare, and we’re willing to extend coverage to all Americans if you promise to just… stop. Whatever you’re doing. Just stop.”
The resolution, which passed 705-0 with twelve abstentions from officials who were too emotionally exhausted to vote, specifically cites American politics as a “transnational mental health crisis” that’s affecting European productivity. French President Emmanuel Macron testified that he can no longer focus on domestic policy because he’s constantly checking his phone to see “what fresh hell is happening across the Atlantic.” Italian officials reported that their citizens have stopped watching their own political scandals because “they can’t compete with American levels of chaos.”
Manhattan-based political analysts responded to the EU resolution with confusion, noting that “this is a pretty normal week by American standards.” Columbia University professor Dr. Rachel Morrison explained that Europeans “simply aren’t conditioned for the sustained insanity of American democracy.” She added, “They have things like parliamentary procedure and coalition governments. We have people fist-fighting on the House floor and calling it Tuesday.”
The resolution includes several specific requests, including asking American cable news networks to add content warnings before broadcasting political coverage to European audiences, establishing “no-politics Fridays” where nothing dramatic happens, and considering a national therapy mandate for all elected officials. Swedish officials also requested that Americans stop using the phrase “unprecedented times” because “you say that every week and it’s causing our translators to have nervous breakdowns.”
American politicians responded to the EU’s concerns with characteristic nuance and restraint by immediately starting three new controversies, filing seventeen lawsuits, and launching a Congressional investigation into whether the European Union is “being mean.” A State Department official, speaking anonymously from a padded room, noted that “we appreciate Europe’s concern, but this is actually pretty chill for us right now. You should see what happens during an election year.”
The EU has announced plans to establish a support hotline for European citizens traumatized by American political news, offering services in 24 languages and staffed by therapists specializing in “vicarious political anxiety disorder.” Early call volume has been described as “overwhelming.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/european-union-passes-resolution/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/european-union-passes-resolution/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
