Locals accuse hipsters of hoarding sesame seeds
New Yorkers are facing their worst nightmare: a bagel shortage. According to reports, sesame seeds have mysteriously vanished from city bakeries, sparking fights, protests, and at least one attempted bagel-related bank robbery. Some blame supply chain issues; others point fingers at Brooklyn hipsters hoarding seeds for artisanal pickling experiments.
Lines outside Ess-a-Bagel stretch longer than Broadway rush tickets, with customers clutching plain bagels like gold bars. “This is worse than the blackout of 2003,” one midtown resident complained. “At least then we had carbs.” Meanwhile, bodegas report surging demand for everything bagels, though some customers now accuse them of being “everything minus sesame.”
Social media is aflame. Hashtags like #BagelGate and #SaveSesame trend daily, while TikTokers film emotional farewell videos to their last sesame bagels. One viral clip showed a man sprinkling birdseed on a plain bagel in despair. “Not the same,” he whispered. Even pigeons protested, gathering outside H&H Bagels and refusing to leave until their sesame tribute was restored.
City officials scrambled to respond. The Mayor promised to import emergency sesame supplies from New Jersey, though critics pointed out that Jersey bagels “taste like regret.” Meanwhile, Governor Hochul declared a “state of brunch emergency,” promising subsidies for lox and cream cheese. Still, bagel shop owners remain grim. “Without sesame, were just bread with holes,” one baker lamented.
Economists warn the shortage could spark inflation, with black-market sesame bagels selling for $25 apiece in Williamsburg. Reports claim one hedge fund trader even attempted to corner the sesame market, dubbed “the Bagel Wolf of Wall Street.” Police arrested him after he was caught filling a U-Haul with contraband seeds in Queens.
New Yorkers, resilient as ever, are improvising. Some sprinkle Trader Joes “Everything But the Bagel” seasoning, while others turn to poppy seeds as an inferior substitute. But purists scoff. “Poppy is a gateway topping,” one Upper West Side grandmother said. “First you accept that, next youre putting raisins in bagels. And then society collapses.”
As the crisis drags on, bagel diplomacy has begun. Montreal smugglers offered to send sesame, but New Yorkers refused, calling their bagels “just bread donuts.” For now, the city waits, carb-starved and cranky. And if the shortage isnt solved soon, experts predict full-scale riotscomplete with cream cheese artillery.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/bagel-shortage-sparks-outrage/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/bagel-shortage-sparks-outrage/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
