Pope Leo XIV’s Twitter Crusade: Megyn Kelly, Trump, and the Hashtag Holy War
When Heaven Logged On and Hell Hit Reply
VATICAN CITY – In a plot twist worthy of a Dan Brown fever dream, Pope Leo XIV, the Church’s newest Twitter theologian and full-time clapback artist, has taken to social media with the zeal of a crusader and the syntax of a Reddit troll. What began as a few humble reflections on Christian love has escalated into a full-blown spiritual street brawl, with Donald Trump dodging scriptural subtweets, JD Vance fumbling Latin phrases, and Megyn Kelly donning the unlikely mantle of papal defender.
In his most divine display of online fervor, Pope Leo XIV, formerly Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost of Chicago, tweeted: “Render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s, but keep the gold toilets. #OrdoAmoris #TrumpIsNotJohnTheBaptist.” The Vatican’s server crashed from the sheer volume of shocked Catholics logging on to confirm whether this was a botched homily or just holy sass.
Meanwhile, at her podcast pulpit, Megyn Kelly, the Iron Lady of cable news turned suburban studio theologian, defended the Pope with the tone of a mom begrudgingly approving her teenager’s haircut. “There’s not going to be a pope who’s not pro-mass migration. It’s Catholicism,” she sighed, adjusting her conservative halo while sipping what may have been holy LaCroix.
Fox News anchors recoiled in horror, uncertain whether to blame the Pope, George Soros, or perhaps the Jesuits’ shadow cabal of moderately literate fact-checkers. “The Pope’s gone woke!” cried one panelist. “He supports migrants!” cried another. “He’s… American?” whispered another before crossing himself in confusion.
God’s Algorithm Is Working Overtime
The Pope’s social media feed now reads like a blend of divine revelation and The Onion’s rejected drafts. Gone are the days of solemn proclamations and Latin litanies. In are snarky references to scripture, indirect shots at political figures, and at least one repost of a TikTok sermon set to trap music.
When asked about Pope Leo’s tone, a Vatican spokesperson responded, “He’s merely embracing the principle of ordo amoris—placing love in proper order. First God, then humanity, then maybe border walls, but only if they come with handrails and mercy.”
JD Vance, misunderstood philosopher-turned-politician, attempted to weaponize Catholic doctrine live on Newsmax. “I think true Christian love starts with nation-first policy,” he explained, while holding a rosary in one hand and a copy of Atlas Shrugged in the other.
Pope Leo responded not with a bull, but a burn: “The Good Samaritan didn’t ask for papers.” Within minutes, the Vatican hashtag #ReadABibleJD trended higher than “Trump 2028” and “How Do You Block A Pope?”
Trump’s Papal Panic Room
The former president was not amused. “Nobody loves popes more than I do,” Trump said at a Mar-a-Lago brunch, seated beneath a velvet painting of Jesus golfing with Lincoln. “Frankly, I was going to make the Vatican great again. I had a plan. A tremendous plan. But this Pope? Total disaster. Total disgrace. People are saying he’s the Anthony Fauci of the Church.”
Trump then announced the launch of his own rival denomination: The First Church of Very Stable Genius. Services will be held on Truth Social. Communion is a gold-plated cracker, and the only scripture allowed is his 1987 book, The Art of the Deal.
He concluded with a direct truth-blast at Pope Leo: “This so-called ‘Pope’ is very ungrateful. I gave America Christmas again. Where’s my thank you?”
Megyn Kelly’s Papal Pivot
Kelly, whose religious affiliations range somewhere between “lapsed Catholic” and “active in the Church of Branding,” surprised viewers by defending the Vatican’s top poster. “I’m actually open-minded to this Pope,” she admitted, perhaps realizing too late she’d accidentally admitted empathy on camera.
Conservative viewers were baffled. “Wait, so now we like the Pope?” one caller asked into a CPAC hotline. “I just burned my rosary last week!” another shouted from their Dodge Ram.
Kelly clarified: “I still disagree with the Pope on immigration, poverty, and economic justice, but I like that he says boys shouldn’t play girls’ lacrosse. And really, isn’t that what Christ would’ve wanted?”
The Vatican PR Machine Begins Speaking in Tongues
Vatican media advisors scrambled to perform damage control. “What His Holiness meant by ‘Trump is not John the Baptist’ was metaphorical,” insisted Monsignor Lucio Spinzone. “John wore camel hair. Trump wears synthetic golf polos. It’s not a judgment—it’s couture commentary.”
Meanwhile, theologians are debating whether tweets by a sitting pope are doctrinally binding or just extremely online. “Can a meme be canonized?” asked one confused seminarian. “And what’s the Catholic position on blocking someone mid-sermon?”
What the Funny People Are Saying
Jerry Seinfeld: “What’s the deal with popes tweeting? I thought they were supposed to talk to God, not @Jack!”
Ron White: “When the Pope starts roasting Trump, I might just convert—if there’s whiskey at communion.”
Sarah Silverman: “Pope Leo subtweeted Trump so hard, the Sistine Chapel ceiling cracked and Michelangelo facepalmed.”
Trevor Noah: “This Pope’s so American, he’s just one gun and a Monster Energy drink away from NASCAR sainthood.”
Amy Schumer: “The Pope dragging Trump is my new religion.”
Chris Rock: “Trump failed theology like he failed marriage counseling.”
Kevin Hart: “Yo, if the Pope’s on Twitter, does that mean God likes memes too?”
Ricky Gervais: “Religion’s finally funny again. All it took was a pope with Wi-Fi and pettiness.”
Ali Wong: “The Pope tweeting is like your grandma discovering TikTok and dragging your ex.”
Dave Chappelle: “You know it’s wild when the Pope got better comebacks than a battle rapper.”
15 Blessed Observations From a World Gone Papal
– The Pope’s Twitter is now considered the holiest feed since @dog_rates.
– Megyn Kelly defending a Pope is the strangest alliance since Kanye West and the Wyoming ranch.
– Pope Leo’s tweets have more theology than most modern homilies and better grammar than J.D. Vance.
– “Ordo amoris” is now America’s most Googled Latin phrase—just ahead of “quid pro quo” and “what is Lent.”
– Trump believes he deserves sainthood for inventing Christmas and spellcheck.
– JD Vance tried to debate the Pope using a quote from Ben Shapiro and was instantly smote.
– Vatican Wi-Fi speed has now surpassed that of rural Ohio.
– The Pope’s Instagram reels now include exorcisms set to Gregorian remixes of Drake.
– Sean Hannity called Pope Leo a “left-wing Vatican socialist” before accidentally quoting Francis of Assisi.
– MAGA Catholics are now holding rosary-burning ceremonies in Branson, Missouri.
– The next papal bull may be delivered via YouTube shorts.
– Pope Leo’s confession booth now includes a ring light and a disclaimer.
– Conservative think tanks are producing a report titled “Papal Marxism and the Decline of Western Civilization.”
– The Pope blessed a Pride crosswalk in Rome, then called it “a spiritual drag race.”
– Cardinal Dolan just installed a “Reply Guy Filter” on the Vatican’s official app.
In Conclusion: Amen, Retweet
Pope Leo XIV has inadvertently turned the Church into a main character on Twitter, which may be the most American thing ever done by a papal figure short of throwing the first pitch at a Cubs game. Whether you believe he’s leading souls or leading ratios, there’s no denying this pontiff is preaching from the mountaintop of online discourse, rosary in one hand, iPhone in the other.
As the faithful scroll, retweet, and wrestle with the morality of memes, one truth rings eternal: if God moves in mysterious ways, the algorithm is surely divine.
