Department of Environmental Protection Admits: “We Don’t Actually Know What’s in It”
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat bring you coverage from NYC’s water system, which has officially crossed from “questionable” to “definitely don’t drink this.”
The Quality Admission
The NYC Department of Environmental Protection held a press conference where they admitted something nobody wanted to hear: they don’t actually know what’s in the city’s water. It comes from upstate. It gets treated. But the exact composition? Unknown. It’s probably fine. Probably.
The New York Times investigated what “treatment” actually means and found: chemicals, more chemicals, and hope. The water is tested for certain things. Many other things are simply ignored. “We test for what we know to look for,” one official explained. “Everything else remains a mystery.”
The Visible Problems
New York Post documented visible water issues: sometimes it’s brown. Sometimes it smells. Sometimes it tastes like metal. Sometimes it looks like someone melted a crayon into it. The city’s response: “It’s still water. Use it.”
The Boil-Water Advisories
New York Daily News covered NYC’s frequent boil-water advisories. These happen multiple times per year. The message: water is too contaminated to drink, but drinking it might be fine. The contradiction is intentional. It makes people feel empoweredthey get to choose their own level of risk.
The Bottled Water Reality
Gothamist noted that most New Yorkers simply buy bottled water. The city’s response to this: “Good idea. Our water is free, but it’s not free from whatever is in it.” NYC residents have essentially admitted that tap water is untrustworthy.
The Underground Pipes
The City reported on the infrastructure problem: NYC’s water pipes are ancient. They leak. They break. Sometimes they release things into the water that definitely shouldn’t be there. The city’s plan to fix them: “Eventually. Maybe. Probably not.”
The Acceptance
“I’ve stopped asking questions about water quality,” one New Yorker admitted. “I just accept it. I boil it if I’m scared. I drink it straight if I’m brave. Either way, I’m probably fine. Or I’m developing resilience to unknown contaminants. Either way, I adapt.”
For more satirical takes on water quality and environmental neglect, visit The Onion and Babylon Bee for commentary on infrastructure designed to fail.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/