Why Make America Great Again When You Can Just Deport It to El Salvador?
📍Reporting from a Discount Travel Agency That Just Added “Prison Transfers” to Its Menu
Brought to you in patriotic partnership with Bohiney.com — now certified 127% funnier than The Onion and marginally more ethical than a Mar-a-Lago brunch.
🍔 INTRO: TRUMP’S NEW SLOGAN—”SEND ‘EM ABROAD TO ROT!”
Donald Trump’s most recent policy brainstorm was either inspired by a fever dream or a particularly spicy Taco Bell combo meal. The former president has floated the idea—possibly over a plate of Trump Tower nachos—that American citizens who commit crimes should be deported to foreign prisons. That’s right, not immigrants. Citizens. Your cousin Darren with a few too many DUIs? Guatemala. Your niece caught with edibles at Coachella? Off to the Philippines. You? Better hope that overdue parking ticket doesn’t turn you into Belize’s newest inmate influencer.
The policy, unofficially dubbed “Operation Gitmo-Go-Broke,” aims to address rising prison costs in the U.S. by exporting inmates like surplus beef. Apparently, America has no room for criminals or irony.
📦 FOREIGN PRISON DEPORTATION: AMERICA’S HOTTEST EXPORT
At a rally where attendees waved “LOCK ‘EM UP—JUST NOT HERE” signs, Trump clarified, “If Sweden has better IKEA furniture, they can damn well house our burglars too!” This marks the first time in history a nation has attempted to re-gift its criminals like a bad Christmas sweater.
Officials say the goal is to “restore law and order while also generating frequent flyer miles.” According to one source in the Department of Homeland Security, “We’re negotiating a prison bed exchange with countries that owe us favors, like Honduras and that one guy from Kazakhstan who sells fake Rolexes in Times Square.”
💡 EVIDENCE? WE’VE GOT 15 GIGANTIC CASE FILES OF IT.
Let’s examine each satirical truth nugget, coated in the gravy of logic and sprinkled with freedom fries.
🧳 1. Outsourcing Justice Like It’s Tech Support
“Thank you for calling the U.S. Department of Corrections! Your crime has been routed to Manila.”
If your call is important to us, your trial might be too. One felon was allegedly told, “We regret to inform you your sentencing has been moved to rural Uzbekistan due to staffing shortages in Indiana.”
A leaked Zoom call showed Trump asking, “Can’t we just send ’em to India? I hear they’re very efficient with time zones and tax evasion.”
✈️ 2. Spirit Airlines Announces New “Felon Class”
Passengers on Trump’s planned “Inmate Air” will be stripped of seat cushions, complimentary drinks, and legroom—but not dignity. That got confiscated at the gate.
“Welcome aboard Flight 45 to Nicaragua’s Maximum Security Facility,” the pilot says over the intercom. “Please fasten your shackles and refrain from inflight rioting.”
A prototype airline safety video leaked to the press featured Melania Trump modeling a flotation device shaped like the Bill of Rights.
🏝️ 3. Prison Tourism is the New All-Inclusive
The El Salvador Ministry of Tourism has started advertising its prisons as “Hard Time, Good Vibes.” Vacationers can now book a shared cell with panoramic razor-wire views.
American travel influencers have already jumped on the trend: “10 Tips to Accessorize Your Prison Jumpsuit for Instagram” is trending among TikTok teens with minor misdemeanors.
📜 4. Constitutional Rights Now Come With a Transfer Fee
Legal scholars are clutching their powdered wigs. “The Eighth Amendment doesn’t cover overseas activities,” warned Professor Janice Hurlbut, who teaches Comparative Gulags at NYU. “Once you’re out of U.S. soil, your Miranda Rights are replaced by a stern look and a blunt stick.”
🕳️ 5. Alien Enemies Act: Because Apparently We’re All Aliens Now
Trump’s legal team (consisting of three interns and a heavily sedated Rudy Giuliani) discovered the 1798 Alien Enemies Act and decided it sounded like a fun Mad Libs starter.
“We figured if it worked for Adams, it’ll work for America!” Giuliani slurred through a FaceTime interview, accidentally holding the camera up to his ear.
🧳 6. Family Reunions Just Got Complicated
Tammy from Tallahassee cried as she tried to explain to her kids that Daddy’s not dead—he’s just in a Panamanian prison serving 3–5 for “illegal fireworks and creative accounting.”
Visa applications now come with checkboxes:
✅ Tourist
✅ Student
✅ Visiting a Cousin Who Got Deported for Jaywalking
🧠 7. Prisoner Exchange Programs—Like Study Abroad, but Sadder
Imagine swapping inmates like baseball cards: “I’ll give you two hedge fund scammers and a crypto bro for one drug mule and a hacker.”
Germany’s ambassador reportedly declined the offer, saying, “Nein. You keep your Elon impersonators.”
🌐 8. Yelp Reviews of Foreign Prisons Are in
One American detainee left a 2-star review on “IncarceRate,” the new Yelp for international prisons:
“Food was okay, but the guards don’t understand sarcasm. Also, no HBO Max. Would not re-offend here again.”
🏛️ 9. International Relations Are Now Just Bad Tinder Matches
India ghosted us after we offered to send 600 Wall Street execs their way. “They swipe right on innovation, not on indicted CEOs,” said a diplomat.
Brazil accepted 14 low-level white-collar criminals, but only because they “needed accountants who understand fraud in two languages.”
📺 10. Reality TV: “Locked Up Abroad: MAGA Edition”
Fox is already developing a pilot where every episode follows a different felon through a foreign prison system. Host: Tucker Carlson, naturally. Guest star: Kid Rock, who plays harmonica through a tin can telephone.
Coming soon: “The Amazing Cellmate” and “Keeping Up With the Convicts.”
📘 11. Language Lessons Now Provided with Your Mugshot
Prison induction includes a free Babbel subscription and a stern warning not to mix up “lawyer” with “liar” in Tagalog.
“I thought he said I was getting released,” one inmate complained. “Turns out he was just saying I’d be relished by the cartel.”
🍽️ 12. Prison Cuisine Now Ethnically Sourced
Trump told a crowd, “We’re giving these people culture! In American prisons they get slop. In Thailand, they get real curry.”
Prison chefs across the world are now panicking: “We didn’t sign up for hosting a Texan meth dealer who thinks every dish needs Ranch.”
🧱 13. Escape Movies Will Require Google Earth
Scripts in development include Shawshank Shanghai, Escape from Caracas, and Papillon: American Edition.
One inmate’s escape plan included building a raft out of prison-issued yoga mats and following the stars back to Nebraska.
🇺🇸 14. National Anthem Remix: “Oh Say Can You Flee”
New prison choirs abroad are being taught the U.S. anthem phonetically. In one hilarious incident, inmates in Turkey proudly belted: “Oh-say-can-you-splee, by-da-Dawn’s-early-life…”
Bald eagles were seen weeping outside the embassy.
💬 15. Inmate Quotes, Because We Asked for Real Feedback
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“You know it’s bad when I start missing Rikers.”
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“I thought this was a work-from-home sentence.”
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“At least in Colombia I can dance salsa between interrogations.”
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“Wait, I got deported for shoplifting a Red Bull?”
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“Honestly, the El Salvadoran cell block has better Wi-Fi than my ex-wife’s apartment.”
🎙️ WHAT THE FUNNY PEOPLE ARE SAYING
Jimmy Kimmel:
“Trump outsourcing justice is like if your house was on fire and you mailed your smoke detector to Brazil.”
Sarah Silverman:
“I asked Siri, ‘Where would Trump send me if I jaywalked?’ She said ‘Enjoy your stay in North Korean karaoke prison.’”
Ron White:
“Hell, I’ve done time in a Waffle House bathroom with more rights than this plan gives ya.”
Jerry Seinfeld:
“What’s the deal with deporting citizens? If you break a law in America… you win a vacation?”
Larry David:
“So I pay taxes, follow the law, and now I get a one-way ticket to Guatemalan solitary confinement for rolling a stop sign? No thank you!”
Amy Schumer:
“Honestly, I’d rather get dumped by a guy in a podcast studio than be shipped to Bulgaria over unpaid parking tickets.”
📌 CONCLUSION: THE STATE OF THE UNION IS… INBOUND TO MANILA
We’ve reached peak national satire when a former president seriously suggests relocating the nation’s criminal justice system to “wherever has spare bunks and low extradition treaties.” Whether it’s El Salvador, Ecuador, or Estonia, the new motto of American justice is: “You’re guilty until Expedia books your cell.”
So sleep tight, America. Just not too tight. The bunk beds in Belarus are notoriously unforgiving.
🧯 DISCLAIMER
This satirical exposé is the joint product of a sentient cowboy and a very literate dairy farmer. No AI was harmed in its creation, though it did suggest sending lobbyists to Syria. All foreign nations mentioned retain the right to laugh, sue, or both.
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Trump Proposes “Prison Without Borders”
Originally posted 2025-04-12 11:52:07.