New Initiative Criminalizes Sadness in Public Parks
New York, NY
The NYC Parks Department unveiled Friday an extensive “Mandatory Happiness Initiative” installing surveillance cameras throughout city parks specifically calibrated to detect facial expressions, with park enforcement officers issuing ?$100 citations to residents displaying sadness, concern, worry, or insufficient enthusiasm.
The program, reported by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat‘s surveillance correspondent, uses AI facial recognition identifying micro-expressions indicating unhappiness, with automatic fine generation and municipal payment extraction from registered NYC residents.
“Parks should be happy places,” explained Parks Commissioner Michael Torres. “We’re ensuring that happiness. Frowning is no longer permitted in municipal green spaces.”
The camera system identifies faces displaying: frowning (?$100 fine), grimacing ($250), rolling eyes ($150), sighing (facial recognition detects sigh patterns, $200 fine), and “resting bitch face” (permanent mild frown, $500 per park visit).
Permitted facial expressions in parks include smiling (required), laughing (bonus: $10 park use credit), looking neutral (?$50 fine for insufficient positive emotion), and expressions of wonder ($0 fine, actually earning small credits).
The system flags sadness particularly harshly. Park visitors displaying sadness face: immediate fine generation ($100 minimum), potential detention for “emotional disturbance,” and mandatory psychological evaluation determining whether their unhappiness justifies expulsion from parks.
Citizens grieving deceased family members cannot visit parks without risking citations for sadness expressions. People processing trauma cannot sit in parks without facing enforcement. Park benchestraditionally quiet reflection spacesnow function as fine-generating surveillance zones.
Privacy experts note that facial expression monitoring represents unprecedented surveillance infrastructure targeting internal emotional states. Parks Department officials framed this as “necessary for public happiness enforcement.”
Appeals exist: citizens fined for unhappy expressions can contest citations by smiling during appeal hearings. Failure to smile during appeals process results in additional fines for “uncooperative attitude.”
The initiative extends to parks’ perimeter: residents walking past parks must maintain happy expressions while in parks’ sightlines, even if not technically entering. Park enforcement conducts patrols monitoring pedestrians for “insufficient enthusiasm” around green spaces.
A secondary program fines parks department employees for displaying unhappiness during shifts. Park maintenance workers must smile while performing labor, resulting in a 47% turnover rate (workers quitting rather than forced happiness maintenance).
Mental health data indicates that mandatory happiness enforcement increases depression rates by 65%, as people experience stress from attempting to maintain false positive expressions.
For surveillance satire, visit Babylon Bee, Clickhole, and The Onion.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/