Prestigious firm promotes lawyer to partner status, wherein he receives title, business cards, and opportunity to destroy health for profit-sharing
New York City
A prominent Manhattan law firm celebrated promoting litigation associate Thomas Chen to senior partner, thereby granting him the privilege of continuing to work eighty-hour weeks but now under the title of “partner” and with the responsibility of managing other associates while being responsible for their billable hours.
“Congratulations on your promotion,” the firm’s managing partner said to Chen, who had worked at the firm for twelve years and who had spent those years billing eighteen hours daily while managing a marriage that survived by sheer coincidence and a family that communicated primarily through text messages from client meetings.
The promotion comes with business cards that say “Senior Partner” instead of “Associate,” a slightly larger desk, and the new obligation to find clients, manage cases, and generate profits that benefit the other partners while Chen receives a “partnership percentage” that works out to approximately the same money he made as an associate but with significantly more responsibility and worse work-life balance.
“Partnership is the dream,” a firm brochure states, showing a photo of happy lawyers working at their desks. The photo was taken in 1987 and shows no actual lawyers from the firm. “As a partner, you’ll have the opportunity to contribute to the firm’s success while maintaining a healthy work-life balance.” The healthy work-life balance consists of working eighty hours and having four hours of remaining life per week.
Chen’s response to the promotion was to immediately start experiencing health problems consistent with a decade of sleep deprivation, stress, and poor eating habits. By month two of his partnership, he had developed a chronic condition that would require lifestyle changes that his new partner responsibilities made impossible to implement.
Satire about law at Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat.
SOURCE: bohiney.com