Fox News Launches New Segment: “Woke or Possessed?”
Byline: SpinTaxi’s Spiritual Warfare Correspondent, Broadcasting from a Prayer Tent in Secaucus
Fair, Balanced, and Now Featuring Exorcisms
In its latest attempt to keep ratings high and reality low, Fox News has unveiled a new recurring segment: “Woke or Possessed?” Hosted by Tucker Carlson’s digital clone and Laura Ingraham’s taxidermied smirk, the segment aims to determine whether public figures are simply left-leaning… or literally filled with demons.
Using a state-of-the-art Wokometer™ and a rotating panel of exorcists, influencers, and rejected CPAC interns, each guest is examined through a series of rapid-fire litmus tests:
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Have they used the word “inclusive”?
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Do they own a reusable tote bag?
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Have they ever clapped on one and three?
If the answer is “yes” to any of the above, Father Hannity is summoned to read scripture over their Instagram profile.
Episode One: Satan, Starbucks, and Susan Sarandon
In the premiere episode, guest targets included:
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Billie Eilish, accused of spreading “haunting spells via eyeliner”
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Lizzo, said to be “possessed by the ghost of body positivity”
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And Pete Buttigieg, who was declared “at least 40% demonic” for proposing gender-neutral restrooms at highway truck stops
The highlight was a slow-motion playback of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez sipping a boba tea, during which the words “socialist incantation detected” flashed across the screen.
Viewer Interactivity: The WokePossess App
Fox News rolled out a companion app that lets viewers vote in real time:
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“Woke”: Mildly annoying but ultimately human
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“Possessed”: Needs holy water, garlic, or defunding
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“RINO”: For internal party exorcisms
Users can also upload TikToks for analysis. A clip of a middle school teacher discussing pronouns was flagged and baptized remotely via digital sprinkler.
What the Funny People Are Saying:
“I haven’t seen this many accusations of possession since Salem, and at least they didn’t livestream it.”
—Tig Notaro
“So now being ‘woke’ means you’re literally Satan’s intern? I’m just here for the coffee.”
—Trevor Noah
“Finally! A show that asks the tough questions, like whether gluten-free muffins are part of the Antichrist’s meal prep.”
—Sarah Silverman
Behind the Scenes: Tools of the Trade
The studio’s exorcism toolkit includes:
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17 blessed flash drives containing Jordan Peterson lectures
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A crucifix made from recycled Ronald Reagan bumper stickers
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A MAGA-branded holy water gun
Each guest is evaluated by TuckerGPT, an AI trained on 20 years of paranoid facial expressions and Fox chyron captions. It ranks subjects on a scale from “Benign Patriotic Sleepiness” to “Full Blown Beyoncé-at-the-Grammys Satanic.”
Critics React (Woke or… Jealous?)
MSNBC called the segment “a medieval meltdown with better graphics.”
NPR said it was “a missed opportunity to discuss demonology within marginalized epistemologies.”
CNN simply ran a headline: “FOX BECOMES EXORCIST NOW?”
Meanwhile, Pope Francis, who tuned in from the Vatican treadmill, tweeted:
“My child… please stop.”
Merchandise Is Already in Production
Available at PatriotMart.biz:
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Woke or Possessed? Ouija Boards (spirit of Reagan included)
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T-shirts that say “I SURVIVED A FOX NEWS EXORCISM AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY TAX BREAK”
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Limited edition Blessed Are the Capitalists rosaries with a built-in strobe light for demon detection
Future Segments Teased
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“Witch or Woman of Color?”
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“Is Your Dog Nonbinary or Just European?”
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“The Pentagon’s Pronouns: Are We Losing Wars Because of Them?”
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“Haunted Gender Studies Departments: What Academia Doesn’t Want You to Know”
Final Thoughts: Holy Ratings, Batman
Whether it’s hysteria, heresy, or high production value, Fox has found a way to monetize fear, faith, and frappuccinos. And with ratings beating “The Masked Singer,” execs are now planning a holiday special featuring a Christmas tree possessed by critical race theory.
Because in today’s America, every disagreement is a spiritual crisis.
And if you see someone recycling, lighting incense, or using neopronouns…
Better call a priest. Or at least a cameraman.