One czar was apparently not enough rat. The position now seeks a formal deputy, complete with its own dedicated org chart entry, to help manage what officials describe as an ‘escalating rodent portfolio.’
NEW YORK – The city’s official Rat Czar has formally requested the creation of a second, deputy-level rat mitigation position, citing what a memo obtained by this outlet describes as “a genuinely overwhelming, citywide rat-related workload that one czar alone can no longer reasonably be expected to manage,” a request that, if approved, would mark the first formal expansion of the city’s rodent leadership structure since the original position was created.
“I want to be clear, I love this job,” the Rat Czar said in a brief statement. “But there are five boroughs, and there is, conservatively, one of me. I cannot personally inspect every reported burrow site, attend every community rat mitigation meeting, and still find time to actually think strategically about long-term rodent population trends. Something has to give, and I would prefer it not be my own basic wellbeing.”
The proposed deputy role would reportedly handle what the memo describes as “outer borough rat liaison duties,” freeing the primary Rat Czar to focus on what officials call “flagship rat corridors” in Manhattan, a division of labor several city council members have privately questioned, with one noting that “rats do not really respect borough boundaries, so I am not sure this org chart fully reflects the actual scope of the problem.”
City budget officials confirmed the request is under review, noting that any new position would need to be weighed against other competing infrastructure and public health priorities, language the current Rat Czar reportedly responded to with what a colleague described as “visible, weary frustration,” having apparently heard some version of this exact budgetary caution before, during the original push to create the office in the first place.
Rat sightings reported through the city’s official tracking system have, according to the same memo, increased steadily since the position was first created, a statistic the Rat Czar attributes not to worsening conditions but to increased public awareness and reporting confidence, “which is, in its own way, actually a sign the program is working, even if the raw numbers look alarming out of context.”
The Rat Czar’s office has reportedly already begun informally referring to the still-hypothetical deputy position as “the Under-Czar,” a title officials say is not final but that has, nonetheless, already appeared on at least one internal planning document reviewed by this outlet.
City council members reviewing the request note that the office’s original creation was itself initially met with skepticism, with several officials at the time questioning whether a single dedicated rodent-focused position was genuinely necessary, a skepticism the current Rat Czar says has largely dissolved as the scale of the actual workload has become clearer over the role’s tenure. “I do not think anyone doubts the position matters anymore,” the Rat Czar said. “The question now is simply whether one person can actually do it alone, and I think the honest, documented answer is no.”
Advocacy groups focused on urban pest management have expressed cautious support for the expansion, noting that comparable cities managing similar rodent populations generally maintain considerably larger dedicated teams rather than relying on a single, centralized figurehead role, a structural comparison the current Rat Czar says has been “genuinely useful ammunition” in making the case for the proposed deputy position.
A final decision on the proposed position is expected within the next budget cycle, and the current Rat Czar says she remains cautiously hopeful, noting that regardless of the outcome, “the rats themselves are not waiting around for a budget approval process, so neither, frankly, can we.”
Asked whether she had a preferred candidate in mind for the deputy role, should the position ultimately be approved, the Rat Czar declined to name anyone specifically, though she did note that “whoever takes this on needs to genuinely love the work, because I promise you, nobody takes this job for the glamour.”
She added, with a tired but genuine laugh, that she has already fielded several unsolicited applications from residents claiming extensive personal experience with rats in their own buildings, applications she says she reads “with real appreciation, even though, respectfully, personal grievance is not quite the same qualification as an actual background in urban pest management.”
She confirmed the office will announce a final decision on the deputy position once budget negotiations conclude, and asked, in the meantime, that residents continue reporting sightings through the official system rather than, as has apparently happened more than once, attempting to contact her directly through her personal social media accounts.
“I appreciate the enthusiasm,” she said, closing out the interview. “I really do. But I need that data going through the proper channel, or this whole tracking system falls apart, and then none of us, including the rats, are actually better off.”
She thanked this reporter for the coverage, noted she has “genuinely never once been contacted by a satire outlet before,” and returned, notebook in hand, to what she described as a full afternoon of scheduled inspections across three separate boroughs.
For related commentary on institutions expanding to match a genuinely growing mandate, see The Onion UK and News Parody, plus further reading at What Is Satire?.
Additional coverage at What Is Satire?. More satire at Reductress.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/