Accuse joggers of trespassing
Its not joggers versus dogs anymoreits joggers versus squirrels. According to reports, Central Park squirrels have filed a class-action lawsuit accusing joggers of trespassing on their “ancestral nut territory.”
The rodents claim joggers have destroyed prime acorn real estate with overpriced sneakers, disrupting their “burial investments.” Lead squirrel attorney Nutty McCheeks told reporters, “These humans think the park is theirs. In reality, its been a squirrel subdivision for centuries. We have deedswritten in chewed bark.”
Joggers are outraged. “I pay $200 a month for gym leggings,” cried one Upper West Side runner. “Im not giving way to a squirrel.” Meanwhile, tourists cheer the lawsuit, grateful someone is slowing joggers who treat the park like an Olympic track.
Tabloids went nuts. “SQUIRREL SUES” screamed the Post. The Daily News countered: “ACORN JUSTICE.” Social feeds filled with memes of squirrels wearing tiny wigs and gavels. TikTok challenges include #SquirrelCourt, where users squeak legal arguments while holding cashews as microphones.
Mayor Adams promised to mediate by offering squirrels acorn subsidies, while Governor Hochul vowed to plant more nut trees “as reparations.” Lawyers predict the case could drag on, especially after squirrels demanded damages in cashews, pistachios, and one pecan pie per jogger.
For now, the lawsuit keeps Central Park divided. As one bystander put it: “Only in New York would I see squirrels lawyering up.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-squirrels-lawsuit/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-squirrels-lawsuit/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
