Authorities warn of nut-related assaults
New Yorkers are used to dodging taxis, pigeons, and bad vibesbut now Central Park joggers face a new threat: organized squirrel gangs. According to reports, a band of hyper-aggressive squirrels has been mugging runners for trail mix, stealing earbuds, and allegedly orchestrating coordinated attacks near Bethesda Fountain.
Authorities say the “Nut Mafia” consists of at least 50 squirrels trained in distraction and ambush tactics. Victims describe squirrels forming “V-shaped attack formations” and demanding snacks with squeaky chirps. One jogger claimed the gang stole his protein bar and left him only a peanut shell as “warning.”
Park officials posted signs reading: “Do Not Engage the Squirrels.” Still, attacks continue. “Theyre fearless,” one marathoner said. “I saw a squirrel tackle a guy twice its size. He screamed like it was a mugging in Midtown.”
Social media is ablaze with #SquirrelGang memes. TikTokers film staged confrontations, while Twitter users speculate that the squirrels are unionizing. “First pigeons, now squirrels,” one tweet read. “Adams has officially lost the animal kingdom.”
Not everyone is afraid. Some locals cheer the chaos, saying the squirrels bring “authenticity” back to the park. “Its about time joggers faced real New York adversity,” a lifelong Upper West Sider smirked. “Central Park was getting too safe.”
Tabloids splashed the story across front pages: “NUT JOBS!” and “TERROR IN THE TREES.” One editorial suggested arming joggers with bagels as decoys. Others proposed training hawks, though critics argued hawks were “already booked scaring pigeons off City Hall.”
City officials urge calm, but whispers persist that the squirrel gang has ties to Staten Island raccoons. Some theorize the furry syndicate is stockpiling nuts for winter, while conspiracy buffs insist theyre planning a coup against the Parks Department.
Joggers remain on edge. “I just wanted cardio,” one victim said. “Instead, I got PTSDPost Traumatic Squirrel Disorder.”
For now, Central Park has transformed into a battleground between man and squirrel. And in true New York fashion, the squirrels are winning.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-squirrel-gang/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-squirrel-gang/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
