NYU Students Remain Legally Classified as “Brunch Enthusiasts”
The federal government announced Tuesday that drug cartels have officially been designated as “unlawful combatants,” a move that has New York City college students wondering when they’ll receive their own ominous classification. The designation comes with serious military implications, though officials have been conspicuously silent on what to call the kids who block entire subway cars with their backpacks during rush hour.
“We’ve taken a strong stance against organized crime,” proclaimed a Department of Defense spokesperson from a podium in Washington. “Meanwhile, Columbia students occupying the 1 train during morning commute with zero spatial awareness remain categorized under ‘civilians we must tolerate.'”
The announcement regarding cartels designated unlawful combatants has sparked confusion among New Yorkers who face daily threats from different kinds of organized groupsspecifically, packs of undergraduates who treat sidewalks like personal fashion runways while scrolling TikTok at the speed of continental drift.
“I understand cartels are dangerous, but have you tried getting past a group of NYU kids walking five-across on a narrow street?” asked commuter Diana Chen. “At least cartels have the courtesy to operate in shadows. These kids conduct their criminal slowness in broad daylight.”
Legal experts note the cartel designation allows for enhanced military action, including drone strikes and special operations. No similar framework exists for dealing with students who somehow need seventeen minutes to order a coffee despite waiting in line with access to the full menu on their phones.
Military strategists have studied cartel operations for decades, developing sophisticated counter-tactics and intelligence networks. Comparable resources have not been deployed against college students who monopolize outlet-adjacent café tables for six hours while nursing a single beverage and “studying,” which apparently requires watching Netflix with textbooks nearby.
The designation represents a major policy shift in combating international drug trafficking. It does not, however, address the growing threat of sophomore philosophy majors loudly discussing Nietzsche on the L train at 8 AM, behavior many subway riders consider an act of psychological warfare.
When pressed about the student question, the Pentagon spokesperson noted that some threats are simply beyond military capability to address, adding that Americans should probably just invest in noise-canceling headphones and accept their fate.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cartels-designated-unlawful-combatants-still-no-word-on-college-kids/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cartels-designated-unlawful-combatants-still-no-word-on-college-kids/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
