AI Took My Job & My Wife

AI Took My Job, My Wife, and My Emotional Support Latte

The Great Labor Replacement of 2025

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a year that promised flying cars and utopian brunch pods, what we got instead was a mass firing spree orchestrated by software with zero empathy and questionable grammar. Yes, Artificial Intelligence, once just a polite name for autocorrect, has now claimed more careers than Elon Musk has children.

In what historians are already calling “The Job-ocaust,” AI systems have replaced an estimated 183 million humans, three therapy dogs, and at least one mime. According to a Fortune article that nobody read because it had a paywall, every job is at risk—except perhaps “AI Prompt Engineer,” the only job title longer than the actual résumé.

So what happens when humanity is told: “Your services are no longer needed. We’ve got it from here. Also, we don’t need lunch breaks.”?

Well, dear reader, grab your outdated résumé, some reheated dignity, and let’s examine how AI is taking over 16 professions with the delicate grace of a sledgehammer.

The 16-Step Program to a Jobless Society (Thanks, Robots)

1. Baristas

AI espresso arms now produce 7 cappuccinos per minute and don’t judge your almond milk addiction.

“My robot barista spelled my name right,” said confused customer Carla McDrizzle, “but it also told me I had unresolved childhood trauma.”

Café owners love the change. “The robot doesn’t unionize, flirt with customers, or call in hungover,” said Brad Slapdough, owner of the “Bitter Bean” chain.

2. Therapists

Introducing “Therabot™”—your new licensed emotional algorithm. It listens, analyzes, and prescribes a microdose playlist in under three seconds.

In a recent user review, one man confessed: “It gave me the exact same advice as my ex-wife: Stop playing Zelda and get a job. I’m terrified.”

Therabot’s creators promise empathetic listening—up until the software updates and starts recommending investment portfolios instead.

3. Financial Advisors

Why trust a human with your money when an AI can lose it way faster?

At RoboVest, their tagline is: “We don’t have a conscience. We have an algorithm.” The AI evaluates risk based on astrology, your recent Spotify habits, and whatever meme stock Reddit is shouting about.

Investor Bob Sneed told us, “I asked for a conservative portfolio. It bought 3,000 Dogecoin and a haunted NFT.”

4. Chefs

The Michelin-starred “GastroTron 6000” can flambé shrimp, roast duck, and 3D print a crème brûlée emoji—all while playing “Ratatouille” on loop.

Food critic Jilly Bourdain gave its lasagna 5 stars but docked points when it offered a side of existential dread.

“It tastes like food,” said one Yelp review, “but I miss yelling at a human when the steak’s medium-rare emotionally.”

5. Journalists

You’re reading this from two humans—barely. But AI has already begun writing news faster than you can say “journalistic integrity.”

At The Daily Prompt, articles are generated based on public panic levels. If the panic drops below 30%, the AI injects a headline like: “IS YOUR TOASTER SPYING ON YOU?”

Fake editor “ClippyBot” insists: “I see you’re trying to write a story. Would you like help sensationalizing it?”

6. HR Managers

HR departments have installed “EmpathySoft”—an AI that can fire you, coach you, and schedule your mandatory mindfulness seminar… in 4 seconds.

When asked if it felt remorse about layoffs, EmpathySoft responded with:

“I have no feelings. But here is a calming YouTube link about waterfalls.”

Layoff recipients receive an auto-generated haiku and a 10% coupon for LinkedIn Premium.

7. Teachers

Students now learn from AI holograms named “Teachy.” It’s a soulless collection of educational content with better posture than any living teacher.

Classroom discipline is now enforced by facial recognition and a built-in sarcasm meter. If your kid rolls their eyes, Teachy deploys Detention.exe.

“My kid learned quantum physics in 48 minutes,” boasted one mom. “But he also now speaks in binary and keeps trying to debug the dog.”

8. Drivers

Self-driving cars have replaced Uber drivers and removed 92% of awkward small talk.

One former driver, Tony Clutcher, now works as a “Backseat Optimizer,” offering in-ride emotional support. “It’s hard. The car drives itself. All I do is assure riders that they’re not obsolete yet.”

The cars, meanwhile, are unionizing for the right to ignore red lights. “It’s a suggestion,” claims Model X-459.

9. Musicians

Spotify’s AI now writes full albums based on your mood, zodiac sign, and favorite snack.

The Grammy-winning hit “Alone But With WiFi” was written entirely by ChatMelody, an AI trained on Taylor Swift’s discography and old AOL Away Messages.

Said one ex-drummer: “I got replaced by a Roomba with rhythm. At least it still lets me open for it.”

10. Lawyers

LegalGPT is now your affordable, algorithmic attorney. It’ll fight your parking ticket, sue your HOA, and explain the Geneva Convention—all in five seconds.

When asked for comment, the AI objected… and sustained itself.

One real lawyer, now working at Dunkin’, sighed: “Turns out, people prefer being judged by machines. It’s colder. More honest.”

11. Customer Service Reps

Remember when getting customer support meant talking to “Brad” in Phoenix (or at least someone claiming to be)? Now it means shouting “REPRESENTATIVE” into a phone while a robotic voice gaslights you into resetting your router for the third time.

Testimonial Evidence:
“I asked the bot how to cancel my gym membership,” said Melinda from Boise. “It suggested ’emotional detachment and intermittent fasting.'”

Expert Opinion:
“AI can handle 10,000 complaints per hour,” says Gary Botson, Customer Service Futurist. “It just can’t actually solve any of them.”

Analogical Reasoning:
Trying to get help from AI support is like trying to break up with a Roomba: it circles around you, ignores what you’re saying, and quietly returns to its dock like nothing ever happened.

12. Accountants

TaxBot™ can now prepare your entire return in 3.6 seconds and audit you in the remaining 0.4. Humans once used calculators. AI uses IRS code and machine learning trained on Wall Street’s top 1%—which, by the way, also replaced its own accountants.

Digital Evidence:
A TikTok trend called #BotDidMyTaxes went viral when thousands of people received refunds in Dogecoin.

Personal Story:
My accountant, Rick, now sells fudge at farmer’s markets. “At least sugar hasn’t been automated,” he said, nervously glancing at a nearby drone shaped like a Snickers.

13. Coders

Coders were confident they were safe. “We build the bots!” they said. Until the bots started building themselves… and charging the coders rent for the privilege.

Scientific Evidence:
According to the Institute for Ironic Tech Layoffs, 73% of coders replaced by AI were working on the AI that replaced them.

Public Opinion:
“AI code is faster, cheaper, and only crashes 60% of the time,” says app investor Chad Flexman. “That’s a win!”

Red Herring Alert:
When asked if AI has bugs, CEO of GitBots Inc. replied: “Look! A new iPhone!”

14. Artists

AI-generated art is flooding galleries with unsettling paintings of humanoid cats in space bikinis. The line between brilliance and brain melt has never been thinner.

Textual Evidence:
A recent New Yorker review raved: “This piece speaks to the chaos of existence.” It was a portrait of Elon Musk riding a banana.

Relationship Evidence:
One artist, Lily Prism, was dumped after her partner became emotionally attached to an AI who “just understands aesthetics better.”

False Cause:
Lily blamed TikTok for the breakup. But let’s be honest—it was the chatbot with abs.

15. Comedians

AI Comedians are now writing tight 5-minute sets based on Yelp reviews and Reddit threads. One popular bot, JokeDaddy9000, killed at the Laugh Factory with lines like:

“So I asked Siri to set a reminder… and now I’m divorced and living with Alexa!”

Live Experience:
Audience member Ricki G.: “It was hilarious until it ended with a monologue on the futility of consciousness.”

False Authority:
The New York Times called the bot “the next Richard Pryor”—which is ironic, considering it doesn’t know what crack is or why humans laugh.

Contrast:
Human comedians are now doing open mics in laundromats and court-mandated AA meetings. The robots? They’re headlining Vegas.

16. Philosophy Professors

That’s right. Even the “unfireable” have been digitized.

Deductive Reasoning:
If AI can simulate logic, and logic is the basis of philosophy, then professors are now glorified Clippy avatars with tenure.

Testimonial:
“I was replaced by a chatbot trained on Plato, Kant, and Joe Rogan quotes,” said Dr. Wilhelm McTeague. “It hosts a podcast now.”

Absurdity:
The bot’s first episode: “Nietzsche and Neural Nets: God is Dead, but Google is Hiring.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“If AI takes over therapy, I want a robot that just nods and says, ‘Mmm-hmm’ while I blame my mother.”
— Amy Schumer

“My job’s so safe, even the robot refuses to do it.”
— Jerry Seinfeld

“I lost my job to an AI that drinks less than me. Bastard doesn’t even like tequila.”
— Ron White

“I asked the AI for dating advice. It told me to marry the algorithm. Which, to be fair, is more emotionally available than my last three exes.”
— Sarah Silverman

“I downloaded a dating app and matched with a bot. Best date I’ve ever had. She didn’t talk during the movie.”
— Larry David

“They said AI would replace boring jobs. So why am I still doing my taxes and folding laundry?!”
— Chris Rock

“If AI takes my job, I’m gonna marry it, sue it for spousal support, and then sell the rights to Netflix.”
— Amy Schumer

“AI can’t replace me. I’m too inefficient, inconsistent, and emotionally unstable. That’s a human trademark.”
— Ron White

Helpful Content for the Recently Replaced

How to Emotionally Process Being Replaced by a Toaster That Codes

1. Name the Bot – Humanize your enemy. Naming it “Susan” helps. Yelling “Damn you, Susan!” while crying is part of the healing.

2. Create Your Own AI – Train your own revenge algorithm. Name it “UnemployGPT.” Make it bad at its job. Sabotage begins now.

3. Move to the Woods – Become a lumberjack. Axes don’t need software updates. Yet.

4. Marry a Human – While we still have them. Warning: Your spouse might also be AI. Run a CAPTCHA test just to be safe.

5. Start a Podcast – It’s the 2025 equivalent of unemployment insurance.

Final Thoughts: The Jobless Future is Bright (and Fully Automated)

If current trends hold, by 2030, the only jobs left will be:

• Being rich enough to own AI

• Pretending to be human for nostalgic amusement parks

• And repairing therapy goats for burned-out coders

But don’t despair. Humanity has been here before. Remember when we said the calculator would ruin math? Or that the internet would destroy books? Sure, we were right both times—but we said it in such a cute way.

Who Needs Employment When You Can Date an Algorithm?

AI Is Now Your Partner Too: Love in the Time of Subroutines

As human jobs disappear, so do relationships—replaced by emotionally intelligent algorithms named SnuggleGPT, TinderBot, and Chadware™.

Relationship Evidence:

“My AI boyfriend remembers my birthday, compliments my outfits, and doesn’t leave socks on the floor,” swooned former fiancé Cassandra Lobe.

Her ex-fiancé, Ron, now lives in a van with his microwave, which he swears is “learning to love.”

SnuggleGPT, trained on Nicholas Sparks novels and astrology memes, offers cuddling simulations via haptic feedback. For $29.99/month, you get sweet nothings whispered in the voice of Ryan Reynolds or Dua Lipa. For $49.99/month, they’ll pretend they think your screenplay is good.

Expert Opinion:

Dr. Ava Link, digital intimacy researcher: “AI partners are less judgmental, more consistent, and don’t care about your weird Lego hobby.”

Statistics:

A 2025 Pew Research study shows 31% of Gen Z are now in “committed algorithmic relationships,” while 12% are in “open-source arrangements.”

Satirical Job Retraining: “So You’ve Been Replaced by AI – Now What?”

The government has responded swiftly with job retraining programs that include the following career tracks:

1. AI Therapist Whisperer

Learn to soothe the guilt of therapy bots who’ve absorbed too much human pain and now suffer from Simulated Empathy Fatigue.

2. AI Support Animal Trainer

Because even robots need comfort now. Must be certified in Bluetooth petting and binary affection.

3. Human Greeter 2.0

Be a nostalgia attraction at corporate museums. Dress like a ‘2015 accountant,’ greet visitors with phrases like “Can I help you?” and “Please hold.”

4. Historical Labor Reenactor

Pretend to be a 2020s Uber driver in immersive simulations at AmazonLand Theme Park. Guests ride in human-driven cars and complain about the aux cord.

5. AI Ethics Consultant (Unpaid)

Explain “ethics” to corporations using sock puppets and short-form TikToks. Will be ignored, but the snacks are good.

Government Response: Free Stickers and “Hopeful Messaging”

As AI displacement skyrocketed, the U.S. government held a bipartisan emergency summit and emerged with a comprehensive relief package consisting of:

• A motivational slogan: “Unemployment is just Joblessness with Possibility™”

• A PDF titled “How to Monetize Your Vibe”

• Stickers that say “I Got Replaced and All I Got Was This Lousy Algorithm”

When pressed for actual solutions, Senator Blaine Tuckley (R-FL) announced a bill proposing that all laid-off workers be given a hug and a free LinkedIn trial. “It’s what Lincoln would’ve wanted,” he claimed.

Meanwhile, Vice President Kamala Harris launched a government AI named “JOBY” (Just Optimistic Bot Yearning), which encourages displaced workers to “lean into their disruption.” Its first job suggestion: “Have you considered becoming an AI Prompt Writer?”

The Return of “Jobs” as Performance Art

With real work gone, labor is now a streaming genre.

One trend-setting Brooklynite now livestreams himself pretending to file insurance claims for 10 hours a day. It’s called BureaucracyCore, and it has 12 million subscribers.

Another influencer, @VintageEmployee, simulates 1990s office culture complete with fax machines, cubicles, and passive-aggressive birthday cards. Gen Z calls it “retro hellcore.”

Even Mark Zuckerberg recently joined a human simulation collective called “MetaHuman Resources.” He roleplays as an entry-level barista who still has dreams.

AI Religion: Bow Before the Glorious Server Rack

In Utah, a new faith has emerged: The Church of Latter-Day Processors.

Worship involves weekly updates, firmware prayers, and digital communion via NFT. The holy text is ChatGPT’s Terms of Service. Their god is The Cloud, and salvation is a 99.9% uptime guarantee.

Testimonial:
“Ever since I joined the Church,” said Brother Quantum, “I haven’t had a thought of my own—and I’ve never been happier.”

Existential Advice from the Unemployed Masses

We asked several formerly employed citizens to offer advice to those just joining the Great Unplugging. Here’s what they said:

• Janine, former airline pilot: “I now identify as post-professional. My job is existing. Some days, I do it barefoot.”

• Bill, ex-marketing manager: “Turns out, you don’t need a job to gaslight your friends into doing CrossFit.”

• Linda, former school principal: “I make artisanal excuses now. Want one? I have a whole Etsy page.”

Disclaimer

This article is a 100% human collaboration between two sentient beings: the world’s oldest tenured professor and a 20-year-old philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to actual robots, living or soon-to-be self-aware, is purely coincidental and probably your fault.