Fast schmear lane
According to reports, Queens has shocked purists by launching the citys first drive-thru bagel service. Cars snake around blocks as drivers shout orders like “Everything with scallion schmear and NO raisins!” into static-filled speakers. “Bagels on wheelsits what Robert Moses dreamed of,” quipped one local historian.
The service is designed for commuters who want New York authenticity without leaving their Honda Civics. Customers roll down windows, grab steaming bagels, and speed toward the Van Wyck. “I ate three before the light turned green,” boasted one driver. However, traffic is now a carb-fueled nightmare, with police reporting jams caused by sesame seed spillovers.
Bagel traditionalists are outraged. “You dont savor a bagel at 30 miles per hour,” complained one deli owner. Others argue its inevitable. “If Starbucks can do it, why not schmearbucks?” shrugged a Queens resident. Tourists are delighted, even if they cant pronounce “bialy.”
TikToks #DriveThruBagel trend has exploded, featuring influencers reviewing bagels mid-traffic. One viral clip shows a driver attempting to schmear cream cheese while merging, with disastrous but delicious results.
Tabloids got toasted. “CARS & CARBS” screamed the Post. The Daily News countered: “LANE WITH LOX.”
Mayor Adams praised the innovation: “Nothing says New York like honking with a bagel in your mouth.” Governor Hochul muttered, “If schmear drips into seatbelts, Im banning carbs.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/queens-introduces-drive-thru-bagel-service/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/queens-introduces-drive-thru-bagel-service/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
