Everything bagels become black-market currency
Bagel lovers beware: New York City is in crisis. According to reports, a massive bagel shortage has plunged the city into chaos, with everything bagels becoming the new black-market currency. “I traded my studio apartment for a dozen sesame,” confessed one Brooklynite. “It was worth it.”
Lines outside bagel shops stretch for blocks, rivaling sneaker drops and iPhone launches. Tempers flare daily. “This is worse than the blackout of 2003,” said one distraught Upper West Sider clutching her last poppy seed. Bodegas have been forced to ration bagels, offering a strict two-per-customer policy, unless youre willing to slip the cashier a twenty or a MetroCard.
The shortage allegedly began after a cream cheese truck overturned on the BQE, sparking panic hoarding. Soon, TikTok influencers flaunted their bagel stashes online, further inflaming the crisis. “Just scored six everything bagels,” one influencer bragged, sipping an oat milk latte. “DM me if you wanna trade for rent money.”
The tabloids are feasting: “DOUGH CALAMITY” screamed the Post, while the Daily News went with “ROLL WARS.” Social media is equally unhinged, with memes of bagels stored in safes and guarded like diamonds. One viral video showed a couple proposing with an onion bagel instead of a ring. “She said yes,” the caption read. “Mostly because she was hungry.”
Politicians are scrambling. Mayor Adams has declared a carb emergency, promising federal aid. Governor Hochul has called in the National Guard to guard bagel bakeries. President Biden reportedly asked, “Cant they just eat toast?”a comment that may tank his approval ratings among New Yorkers permanently.
Meanwhile, shady deals dominate the underground. Reports suggest mobsters are stockpiling everything bagels and selling them at $50 a pop. A rumored bagel black market has popped up in Washington Square Park, where students trade sesame for edibles. Economists warn if the crisis continues, rent may soon be denominated in bagels.
As one weary New Yorker put it: “We can survive subway delays, rats, and rent hikes. But no bagels? Thats too far.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/nyc-bagel-shortage-chaos/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/nyc-bagel-shortage-chaos/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
