Chipmunks left out of negotiations
New Yorks latest labor movement isnt in Starbucks or Trader Joesits in Central Park, where the squirrels have officially unionized. According to reports, the bushy-tailed activists are demanding better acorn storage, winter heating in tree hollows, and stricter enforcement of “dont chase joggers” policies.
The newly formed “United Rodents Local 718” filed paperwork with City Hall, though clerks allegedly laughed until the nuts hit the desk. Their first rally attracted hundreds of squirrels, plus a few confused pigeons who thought free popcorn might be involved. Union organizers claim this is about dignity. “Weve been entertainers, photo props, and victims of dog harassment for too long,” one gray squirrel chattered. “Now we want respectand peanuts.”
Critics argue the movement is nuts, literally. “First its squirrels, next itll be raccoons demanding dental,” a Midtown landlord complained. Park tourists, however, seem supportive. “Id gladly pay more taxes if it means squirrels stop dive-bombing my hot dog,” one Wisconsin visitor said.
The squirrels demands include hazard pay for dodging CitiBikes, mandatory rest breaks during leaf-peeping season, and a ban on TikTok influencers attempting to hand-feed them pumpkin spice lattes. Their spokesperson, a particularly rotund rodent nicknamed “Acorn Al,” declared that if demands arent met, the union will strikeby burying acorns in all public restrooms.
Social media lit up with #SquirrelSolidarity memes. One viral post showed a squirrel holding a tiny protest sign reading “More Nuts, Less Cuts.” The tabloids pounced: “SQUIRREL SQUABBLE” blared the Post. The Daily News, less subtle, went with “Union Nuts.” Politicians scrambled to respond. Mayor Adams promised to “listen to all furry New Yorkers,” while Governor Hochul declined comment, saying only, “Im allergic.”
Notably absent from the talks are chipmunks, who claim they were excluded due to their “off-brand stripey vibes.” A chipmunk spokesperson threatened legal action, but most city residents dismissed it as sour grapesor sour seeds.
Whether this union leads to change remains unclear. For now, the squirrels continue their work: stealing sandwiches, startling tourists, and plotting their next contract battle. As one Upper West Side jogger put it: “If they win dental before I do, Im moving.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-squirrels-union/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-squirrels-union/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
