MTA Announces It Doesn’t Negotiate with Commuters
The Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced a bold new customer service philosophy Monday: absolutely no negotiation with riders under any circumstances. The hardline stance means the MTA will no longer even pretend to care about complaints regarding delays, fare hikes, or the mysterious substance on every subway pole that nobody can identify but everyone fears touching.
“We’ve been too soft,” declared MTA Chair Robert Martinez during a press conference held safely in an office far from actual subway stations. “Commuters have been making demands’fix the trains,’ ‘explain the delays,’ ‘why does it smell like that’and we’ve been engaging with them like equals. That stops today. We don’t negotiate with terrorists, and we definitely don’t negotiate with straphangers.”
The policy shift echoes governmental rhetoric where we don’t negotiate with terrorists justifies refusing dialogue, though the MTA applies this principle to frustrated commuters seeking basic transportation reliability. Officials insist the hardline approach represents “necessary toughness” rather than “spectacular customer service failure.”
“Riders think they can pressure us with complaints, social media campaigns, and ‘paying for service they’re not receiving,'” Martinez continued. “We will not be intimidated by these tactics. The MTA makes decisions based on what’s best for the MTA, not what’s best for people who use the MTA. That’s called leadership.”
The no-negotiation policy means the MTA will immediately cease responding to customer feedback, a change so subtle that most riders won’t notice since the MTA already ignores approximately 97% of complaints. The remaining 3% of complaints that previously received form-letter responses will now be met with stoic silence, which officials describe as “more honest.”
“We’re done explaining ‘signal problems,'” Martinez explained. “We’re done apologizing for delays. We’re done pretending we care why your train is sitting in a tunnel for forty minutes. This is the service we provide. Take it or leave it. Actually, you can’t really leave it because you need to get to work. So just take it. Silently.”
The policy extends to fare increases, which will no longer include public hearings or explanations. “We’re raising fares because we want to,” stated one MTA spokesperson. “We don’t need to justify this to people who will pay regardless. That’s the beauty of operating a monopoly on practical transportationwe have all the power and zero accountability. It’s fantastic.”
Commuter advocacy groups responded with outrage, though the MTA noted this proves their point about not negotiating. “See? They’re upset, making demands, trying to pressure us,” Martinez said. “We will not bend. We will not break. We will continue running a dysfunctional system while increasing costs and decreasing service, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it except complain on Twitter, which we’ll ignore.”
The announcement included a new MTA slogan: “We Get You There Eventually, Maybe, For Increasing Amounts of Money, While Maintaining Zero AccountabilityDeal With It.” Focus groups testing the slogan found it “depressingly accurate,” which officials interpreted as approval.
When asked if refusing to engage with paying customers might be bad business practice, Martinez dismissed the concern. “Business practice? We’re a public service monopoly. We don’t need good business practices. We need your $2.90 and your resignation to whatever happens next. Those are the terms. Non-negotiable.”
The MTA concluded by announcing next month’s fare increase will be implemented via silent update to MetroCard machines, maintaining their commitment to avoiding communication. Riders who notice will be encouraged to “adapt” or “walk,” options the MTA describes as “plenty of choices for a free society.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/we-dont-negotiate-with-terrorists/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/we-dont-negotiate-with-terrorists/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
