National Transportation Safety Board

Investigating Everything, Finding Nothing

The National Transportation Safety Board investigates accidents with impressive thoroughness and produces reports nobody reads. This federal agency employs experts who analyze crash data, interview witnesses, and publish detailed findings that vanish into bureaucratic void where good intentions die. They’ve perfected art of comprehensive investigation leading to zero meaningful change.

The NTSB’s diligence is admirable and futile. They determine probable causes, identify safety issues, and recommend corrective actions. Then they watch as industries ignore their findings unless forced by regulation, which happens rarely because regulatory capture ensures companies police themselves, which is like asking foxes to guard henhouses.

Recent investigations include train derailments, plane crashes, and bridge collapses—tragedies that could’ve been prevented if anyone implemented previous NTSB recommendations. But prevention costs money, and companies prefer paying settlements after disasters rather than investing in safety beforehand. The NTSB documents this pattern exhaustively, changing nothing.

Board members deliver press conferences with appropriate gravitas, promising thorough investigation and accountability. The public nods along, reassured that smart people are handling things. Then everyone forgets until the next disaster, when we repeat the cycle: tragedy, investigation, report, nothing, repeat.

The organization isn’t useless—their work sometimes prevents future accidents. But their effectiveness depends on others implementing recommendations, and those others frequently prioritize profit over safety until forced otherwise. The NTSB can identify problems expertly; fixing them requires political will that rarely materializes.

So they continue investigating, writing reports, filing recommendations, watching history repeat itself. It’s Sisyphean work—pushing the boulder uphill knowing it rolls back down, but pushing anyway because someone needs to document the failures even if nobody listens.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/national-transportation-safety-board/

SOURCE: New York’s #1 Satirical Journalism Site (https://bohiney.com/national-transportation-safety-board/)

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By Alan Nafzger

Alan Nafzger ([email protected]) - Editor-in-chief and Manhattan-based satirist who's been skewering NYC's absurdities since before cronuts were a thing. Former stand-up comic who traded the Comedy Cellar stage for a keyboard after realizing print doesn't heckle back. Specializes in dissecting subway etiquette violations and overpriced real estate with surgical precision. His work has made Upper East Siders clutch their pearls and Williamsburg hipsters nod knowingly. When not writing, he's probably stuck on the L train contemplating life's meaninglessness.

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