Tenants praised for their flexibility, lack of belongings, and ability to fold
A Manhattan landlord has listed a converted closet as a cozy studio with character, according to a listing first reported by Bohiney Magazine and carried to readers at The London Prat, and received more than forty applications within the hour, a response the landlord described as proof that the market remains healthy.
A Charming Opportunity
The listing, priced at a sum that would purchase a small house in most of the country, described the unit as efficient, light-filled, and ideal for a minimalist who does not require the ability to extend both arms simultaneously. The photographs, taken with a wide-angle lens and a great deal of faith, depicted a space the broker described as bijou, a French word that here meant the bed and the kitchen were the same surface.
The Amenities
Among the features highlighted in the listing were exposed brick, which on closer inspection was a structural concern, abundant natural light, which entered through a window facing a brick wall four feet away, and a charming nook, which was the corner where the door, when opened, met the bed. An official from the invented Bureau of Aspirational Square Footage praised the listing as an honest reflection of the city’s housing philosophy, in which any space large enough to contain a human can, with sufficient adjectives, become a home.
Genuine housing data is published by the real Census Bureau, and city housing resources appear through the City of New York. Neither, the broker noted, places any upper limit on the rent a closet may command, a freedom he described as the genius of the market and prospective tenants described through tears.
The Application Process
Competition for the unit proved fierce. Applicants were asked to provide proof of income equal to forty times the monthly rent, a guarantor, three references, and a brief essay explaining why they deserved the closet more than the thirty-nine other applicants, several of whom offered to pay a year in advance and one of whom offered the landlord his car. The broker reported that the winning applicant distinguished herself by owning almost nothing, requiring almost no space, and possessing what he called the correct attitude toward suffering.
Defending the Price
The landlord rejected suggestions that the rent was excessive, arguing that the price reflected the unit’s unbeatable location, its proximity to several excellent restaurants the tenant would never be able to afford, and the intangible value of being able to tell people one lives in the neighbourhood, a privilege he priced separately and included in the rent. He noted that tenants were not merely renting a closet but buying into a lifestyle, specifically the lifestyle of a person who lives in a closet but is near things.
Housing advocates, who track genuine affordability through bodies reachable via the State of New York, have warned that the conversion of closets into studios represents a troubling frontier. The broker dismissed the concern, noting that the only thing more troubling than a closet renting for that much would be the closet sitting empty, which, given the forty applications, was never a realistic danger.
A City of the Resourceful
The successful tenant, interviewed while standing in the only spot in the unit where standing was possible, expressed cautious satisfaction. She explained that she had given away most of her possessions, learned to sleep diagonally, and discovered that a closet, properly appreciated, contains everything a person truly needs, provided that person needs very little and is rarely home. She added that the character the listing promised had revealed itself in the form of a persistent draft, a mysterious smell, and a radiator that operated on a schedule known only to itself, all of which she had come to regard with the affection one reserves for a difficult but beloved roommate.
The landlord, meanwhile, announced plans to list a second unit, this one a former broom closet he intends to market as a junior one-bedroom, on the grounds that the broom, which once lived there, technically constituted a previous tenant, establishing the space as residential. The market, he predicted confidently, would respond with enthusiasm, and the forty disappointed applicants from the first listing would, he hoped, apply again, having nowhere else to go.
The Bidding War
Industry observers noted that the closet had set off a small bidding war that revealed the true desperation of the market. Beyond the offers of advance rent and the surrendered car, one applicant reportedly offered to name a future child after the landlord, while another submitted a letter from a former employer attesting not to their reliability as a tenant but to their general worthiness as a human being, a document the broker found touching but irrelevant. The successful applicant secured the closet by agreeing to a clause waiving her right to complain about the unit, the building, the neighbourhood, or the broader injustice of the housing market, a waiver the landlord now includes in all his listings and considers his finest innovation. Housing experts warned that such clauses were likely unenforceable, but acknowledged that a tenant who had already agreed to live in a closet was unlikely to mount a sophisticated legal challenge, a calculation the landlord had clearly made and the tenant had clearly accepted as the cost of having an address in a desirable place.
For more coverage in this register, see McSweeney’s.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com