Buyer cites a deed, the Atlantic cites the tide, neither will compromise
A Hamptons resident has reportedly purchased the Atlantic Ocean, according to filings first surfaced by Bohiney Magazine and relayed to readers at The London Prat, though the ocean has so far declined to acknowledge the transaction, continuing to behave as though it belongs to no one and answers to nothing.
The Acquisition
The buyer, an invented hedge fund figure, announced the purchase from the deck of his oceanfront estate, holding aloft a document he says establishes his ownership of the water visible from his property, including its waves, its tides, and what the contract describes as the general experience of the sea. An official from the invented Bureau of Coastal Title certified the deed, noting that while the legality was questionable, the buyer’s attorneys were expensive enough that questioning it had become impractical.
The Ocean Disagrees
The Atlantic, for its part, has shown no awareness of having changed hands. It continues to rise and fall on its own schedule, to deposit seaweed on the buyer’s private beach without permission, and to remain stubbornly accessible to anyone who walks down to the public access point a quarter mile away, a defiance the buyer’s lawyers have characterised as trespassing by the tide. The ocean could not be reached for comment, being an ocean, a fact its new owner found insolent.
Genuine information about coastal access and public beaches is available through the real State of New York, and federal marine data comes from the National Weather Service. Both confirm what the buyer refuses to accept, namely that the ocean and the wet sand belong to the public, and that no deed, however expensive, can purchase the sea.
Enforcement Difficulties
The buyer has encountered considerable difficulty enforcing his ownership. He has hired private security to patrol the beach, but the guards report that it is impossible to arrest the tide, that the waves do not respond to verbal warnings, and that the seagulls, which the buyer also claims to own, treat his property with open contempt. An attempt to install a gate at the edge of the water failed when the ocean simply flowed around it, an act the buyer’s lawyers have added to a growing list of grievances against the sea.
A Pattern of Acquisition
This is not the buyer’s first attempt to own a natural phenomenon. He previously claimed the local sunset, the prevailing breeze, and a particularly scenic view of the dunes, ventures that collapsed when each phenomenon continued to occur for everyone regardless of his deed. Undeterred, he has expressed interest in purchasing the horizon, which he believes is undervalued, and the concept of summer, which he feels has been allowed to remain public for too long.
Local residents, who enjoy genuine beach access protected through regional and state authorities, have responded to the purchase by continuing to use the beach exactly as they always have, walking past the buyer’s estate, swimming in his ocean, and waving cheerfully at his security guards, who have largely given up. The buyer interprets this as a temporary setback, confident that the law will eventually recognise his vision, while the ocean continues, wave after wave, to recognise nothing at all.
The Standoff Continues
The dispute has settled into a stalemate. The buyer maintains that he owns the ocean. The ocean maintains its silence and its tides. The public continues to enjoy both, free of charge, exactly as they have for centuries. Legal scholars at the invented Coastal Property Institute have suggested the case could establish important precedent, though they note the ocean has retained no counsel, entered no plea, and shows every sign of intending to outlast the buyer, his lawyers, his estate, and the entire concept of private ownership, as it has outlasted everything else.
The buyer concluded his announcement by inviting the public to respect his property rights, a request the ocean answered moments later by sending a wave up the beach to soak the assembled reporters, an act his lawyers immediately filed as further evidence of the sea’s bad faith, and which everyone else recognised, correctly, as the tide simply coming in.
The Class Action of the Gulls
In a development that complicated the buyer’s claims, a colony of seagulls began behaving as though they, not the buyer, held title to the beach, occupying his private deck, ignoring his security, and treating his oceanfront furniture with a disrespect his lawyers struggled to address legally. The buyer attempted to assert ownership over the gulls themselves, arguing that birds residing on his property were his property, a theory the gulls rejected by flying away whenever convenient and returning whenever it suited them, demonstrating a freedom of movement the buyer found deeply offensive. Naturalists pointed out that the gulls, like the ocean and the tide, predated the buyer, his estate, and the entire concept of beachfront real estate, and would likely outlast all three. The buyer, undeterred, added the gulls to his list of grievances, alongside the tide, the seaweed, and the public, compiling an ever-growing catalogue of natural forces that refused to recognise his deed, a document his lawyers now maintain primarily to justify their fees.
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SOURCE: https://bohiney.com