Wall Street Banks Demand Equal Recognition, Already Act Like It
Following federal recognition of drug cartels as an “unofficial branch of government,” major Wall Street financial institutions have filed complaints demanding similar status, arguing they’ve been operating as shadow government entities for decades without proper acknowledgment. The protest comes after news that drug cartels now listed as unofficial branch of government Trump appoints liaison, a move that has New York’s financial elite feeling decidedly left out.
“This is outrageous,” fumed Goldman Sachs CEO Marcus Reynolds from his corner office overlooking Central Park. “We’ve been influencing policy, avoiding accountability, and operating above the law for years. Where’s our official designation? Where’s our White House liaison?”
The complaint, filed in triplicate on embossed letterhead, outlines how major banks have functioned as de facto government branches since at least 2008, when they proved themselves “too big to fail” and therefore entitled to taxpayer bailouts while executives maintained their bonuses. Legal experts note the banks make a compelling case, having successfully avoided prosecution for money laundering, fraud, and various crimes that would land regular citizens in prison for decades.
“Cartels traffic drugs. We traffic derivatives nobody understands,” explained JP Morgan’s chief legal counsel. “Cartels bribe officials. We call it lobbying and do it legally. Cartels operate international networks. We call them subsidiaries. Honestly, we’re basically the same thing but with better suits.”
Wall Street’s demand for recognition has gained traction among industry watchers who note that banks already enjoy privileges typically reserved for government entities, including the ability to create economic crises without consequences and maintain executives who rotate seamlessly between corporate and government positions through what economists call “the revolving door of absolutely no accountability.”
The Treasury Department responded to Wall Street’s complaint with a tersely worded letter essentially stating “you already run everything, what more do you want?” The response seemed to satisfy no one, with banks insisting they deserve formal titles and official government email addresses to match their unofficial power.
Downtown Manhattan residents have expressed confusion about the controversy, noting they assumed banks were already considered part of the government given how rarely anyone goes to jail for financial crimes compared to, say, turnstile jumping. “Wait, they’re not officially government?” asked one bewildered local. “Could’ve fooled me based on who writes the actual laws.”
Bank representatives plan to escalate their demands, threatening to crash the economy if they don’t receive proper recognitiona threat observers note they’d probably carry out anyway, recognition or not.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/drug-cartels-now-listed-as-unofficial-branch-of-government-%c2%97-trump-appoints-liaison/
By: Annika Steinmann.
