City Hall staff have quietly begun referring to the incident log as classified
MANHATTAN – A gray squirrel residing near the Central Park boathouse has bitten at least three separate mayoral aides over the past eighteen months, according to an internal incident log obtained informally by park regulars, a pattern consistent enough that staff have reportedly begun referring to the animal, only half-jokingly, as having achieved something resembling diplomatic immunity given how often meetings near the boathouse now get quietly relocated to avoid it.
The squirrel, unofficially dubbed Ambassador by park regulars who first noticed the pattern, has reportedly bitten aides during three separate outdoor meetings held near the same bench over the past year and a half, each incident involving a different staffer, each incident occurring, according to witnesses, with what one park regular called “an almost theatrical sense of timing, always right as someone reaches for a folder or a coffee.”
A Pattern City Hall Would Rather Not Discuss
City Hall press officials, asked directly about the incidents, offered only a brief statement confirming that “occasional wildlife encounters occur during outdoor meetings held in city parks,” declining to elaborate further or confirm the specific number of incidents involving the animal in question. Multiple current and former staffers, speaking on condition of anonymity given the topic’s apparent sensitivity within the administration, confirmed the general outline of events and the internal nickname, with one adding that scheduling near that particular bench now requires “an unspoken but very real workaround.”
Park regular Denise Okonkwo, who has fed squirrels in the area for over a decade and says she’s watched Ambassador’s behavior evolve over time, offered a theory rooted less in aggression and more in what she calls “confidence, honestly, more than most people in this city have.” “He’s not mean,” Okonkwo said. “He’s just extremely comfortable with his territory, and apparently unimpressed by whoever happens to be sitting on his bench that week. I’ve seen him steal food directly out of open briefcases. The biting seems to happen mostly when someone tries to shoo him off first.”
The Aides’ Perspectives, Carefully Worded
One former aide, who left city government for unrelated reasons and agreed to discuss the incident only after confirming it would not be attributed by name, described the bite as “genuinely surprising, given how routine the meeting was supposed to be,” and said colleagues found the story far funnier in retrospect than the actual moment warranted. “It broke skin, barely, nothing serious,” the former aide said. “But I did have to explain to HR why my incident report listed ‘Central Park squirrel’ as the cause. That conversation was more embarrassing than the bite itself.”
A second affected aide, still employed by the city, declined to comment directly but did not dispute the account when read the general details, according to a mutual colleague who relayed the exchange.
How the Nickname Spread
The nickname Ambassador reportedly originated with a junior staffer who, after being bitten during what was meant to be a routine outdoor briefing, joked in an internal chat that the squirrel clearly “operated with the confidence of someone who outranked all of us,” a comment that stuck and eventually spread well beyond its original small audience. Staff say the name is now used so casually in internal conversation that some newer employees assume it refers to an actual person before learning the truth, usually to their considerable amusement.
One current staffer said the running joke has even made its way into unofficial onboarding conversation for new hires working near that section of the park, with veterans half-jokingly warning newcomers to “watch your folders near the boathouse bench,” advice that sounds absurd until, inevitably, it doesn’t. One veteran staffer says she now keeps a running mental tally of which colleagues have been warned and which haven’t, treating it as an informal rite of passage that, so far, has claimed exactly three victims and, by her count, is probably due for a fourth before the year is out.
Park Officials Weigh In
Parks Department officials say squirrel bites, while uncommon, are not entirely unusual in high-traffic feeding areas of the park, and generally recommend visitors avoid handling or attempting to physically redirect wildlife regardless of how habituated a given animal appears to human presence. A spokesperson noted there are no current plans for targeted relocation of any specific squirrel, calling the idea “not really how wildlife management works, even for a squirrel with something of a reputation.”
Coverage of Central Park’s wildlife and its occasional friction with human visitors has been documented by outlets including The New York Times, which has covered the park’s dense and famously bold squirrel population in past features on urban wildlife.
A Legend Grows, Bench by Bench
Okonkwo says she’s noticed a small but growing group of park regulars who now specifically seek out Ambassador’s territory hoping for a sighting, treating the squirrel’s reputation as a kind of only-in-New-York folk legend rather than a genuine hazard. “People ask me where he hangs out,” she said. “I tell them, and I also tell them, keep your hands to yourself and your food closed. He’s earned his reputation. Respect it.”
Continuing coverage of the squirrel’s ongoing reign near the boathouse is tracked at bohiney.com.
Further dispatches from the humor desk: The Onion.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com