Senator Fetterman Explains It All: “I Missed Votes Because Time Is a Construct and So Is Pants”
An Investigation into the Commonwealth’s Favorite Hoodie-Wearing Philosopher-King
By Ingrid Johansson | SpinTaxi Political Circus Correspondent
“Covering the Senate one absentee ballot at a time.”
A Lame Excuse, or the Most Relatable Man in Congress?
When Axios revealed that Senator John Fetterman has missed more votes than any other member of the U.S. Senate this year—55 in total—Pennsylvanians were shocked. Not that he missed the votes, but that anyone expected him to show up in the first place.
“Look, I’ve said it before,” Fetterman told reporters, “I govern in the metaphysical realm now. My votes are cast on a higher plane.” He then attempted to fist-bump a nearby raven.
The explanation? “Votes are symbolic rituals, man,” he added, holding a latte and a cheesesteak simultaneously, “and like, democracy is jazz.”
Perfect Attendance Is Ableist
Supporters were quick to defend Fetterman, with one aide saying, “Criticizing John for not showing up to vote is peak ableism. We should be proud that he has transcended mere physical presence.”
Another aide clarified, “Also, he has this new app called VoteGhost, where he astral-projects his yes/no intentions directly into the Senate chamber.”
VoteGhost is currently under investigation by the FCC.
Emotional Outbursts or Performance Art?
In one of the more dramatic episodes, Fetterman allegedly slammed his hands on a desk and shouted incoherently during a union meeting, causing a staffer to cry.
“Those weren’t tears,” claimed Fetterman’s chief of vibes. “They were interpretive expressions of proletarian anguish. John was just conducting a living reenactment of Death of a Salesman.”
The New York Times described it as “Arthur Miller meets WWE Monday Night Raw with a hint of slam poetry.”
Committee Meetings: A Colonialist Construct?
Out of 30 scheduled Senate committee meetings, Fetterman attended two.
When asked why, he replied, “If I wanted to sit in a circle listening to out-of-touch boomers pretend they care about infrastructure, I’d visit a Home Depot during senior discount hour.”
Chuck Schumer reportedly tried to coax him back with a promise of new shorts in Senate-approved navy blue.
Mental Health and the Unrelatable Senator
Much of the concern centers around Fetterman’s mental health following a 2022 stroke and a 2023 hospitalization for depression. He’s been admirably open, but critics wonder if openness is enough when you’re ghosting Congress like it’s your high school prom date.
“My brain is like Congress: occasionally functional but mostly gridlocked,” Fetterman posted on X (formerly Twitter, formerly a bird, now mostly regrets).
Still, no official diagnosis can explain why he once brought a stray cat into the chamber, declaring, “This is Senator Meowtini, and he votes ‘present.’”
Staffers Speak Out (But Only Anonymously)
Anonymous aides claim that behind closed doors, Fetterman’s behavior is erratic, moody, and fueled by an alarming combination of Monster Energy drinks and scented candles labeled “Bipartisan Breeze.”
One former scheduler said, “He once called me at 2 a.m. to ask if socks are inherently capitalist. I still don’t know how to answer.”
A second aide said they were assigned to manage “his hoodie calendar,” which tracks each garment’s chakra alignment.
Fetterman Fires Back: “It’s All a Hit Piece”
In a classic Washington twist, Fetterman dismissed the concerns as a “hit job from the Kumbaya mafia.” He accused the media of pushing an “able-bodied, necktie-wearing, salad-eating” agenda.
“Let’s be honest,” Fetterman told NPR, “I’m the only senator who looks like the bouncer outside the Library of Alexandria.”
Chuck Todd reportedly nodded so hard, his tie rotated 360 degrees.
Health Transparency and the Fetterman Fitness Regime
Despite ongoing concerns, Fetterman has posted fitness updates, including videos of him lifting kettlebells while quoting Nietzsche.
His doctor, Dr. Gary “The Bro” Lanzoni, a chiropractor-slash-podcaster, said: “John’s fine. He’s got the blood pressure of a chilled elk and the resting heart rate of a Buddhist monk in a coma.”
Still, the Senate Sergeant-at-Arms confirmed that a stairlift has been installed in the chamber with “Wawa Run” settings.
Live Captioning and Reality Filtering
Due to auditory processing challenges, Fetterman uses assistive technology that transcribes speech in real time. His tablet now filters speeches by party alignment:
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Republican: Text appears in Comic Sans
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Democrat: Appears as haiku
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Joe Manchin: Appears as a question mark followed by a shrug emoji
A staffer added, “Sometimes it auto-translates Mitch McConnell into Old Norse.”
The Israel Situation (aka Marital Counseling with Foreign Policy)
Fetterman’s vocal support for Israel surprised many in his progressive base—and apparently his wife.
“Gisele was furious,” said one source. “She thought his Middle East knowledge came from Prince of Egypt and late-night hummus binges.”
During one debate, Fetterman said: “Look, I support Israel the way I support my favorite Wawa: open 24/7, secure, and with a solid falafel.”
Peace in the region has not improved.
Disloyal Liberals and the Media Backstab
Once a darling of progressive media, Fetterman now finds himself vilified by the same people who used to call him “America’s favorite sentient Carhartt ad.”
New York Magazine ran a lengthy feature titled The Disintegration of John Fetterman: Hoodie Edition. In response, Fetterman posted a GIF of a possum falling off a picnic table.
Rachel Maddow offered only this cryptic analysis: “He’s a man, he’s a myth, he’s a meme—perhaps he was never real to begin with.”
Staff Turnover or Revolutionary Exodus?
Senate insiders say Fetterman’s office now has the highest turnover rate since Kamala Harris tried to assemble a TikTok team in 2021.
“It’s like working in a band where the frontman refuses to sing, the drummer has clinical nihilism, and the bassist is a fidget spinner,” said one former press secretary.
Current staff are reportedly being paid in hoagies and existential dread.
Family Matters and the Politics of Silence
There’s also growing tension at home. Fetterman reportedly tried to appoint his wife Gisele as “Shadow Senator of Domestic Affairs,” but the title was blocked by the family dog.
When asked about their communication, Fetterman replied, “We only speak in Rupi Kaur poems now. It’s raw, it’s healing, it’s mostly lowercase.”
Gisele has since been spotted wearing a “Free Palestine AND My Husband” hoodie.
The Reluctant Senator
Senator Bob Casey was asked if he’s concerned. “I haven’t seen John since the Christmas party. I assume he’s with Tom Hanks in Cast Away.”
Senator Amy Klobuchar said, “He once called me ‘corporate oatmeal’ during a filibuster. And frankly, I’m not mad.”
Even Bernie Sanders was puzzled: “I love passion, but slamming desks and quoting Limp Bizkit doesn’t build worker solidarity.”
Campaign 2028: Fetterman’s Perfect Excuse Machine
Sources say Fetterman is testing new messaging for 2028. Campaign slogans floated:
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“Vote for Fetterman: You Won’t See Me, But You’ll Feel My Vibe”
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“Absentee? More Like Presentee in Spirit.”
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“A Hoodie in Every Chamber, A Cheesesteak in Every Pot.”
He’s also rumored to be launching a line of scented candles called “Filibuster Funk.”
Republican Response: “He’s a National Treasure”
Oddly, some Republicans are defending Fetterman.
Senator JD Vance said, “Honestly, I kind of like the guy. He’s like if a union hall and a Waffle House had a baby.”
Donald Trump Jr. called Fetterman “the only Democrat who doesn’t make me want to staple my forehead to a crossbow.”
Fetterman responded, “This is the worst bipartisan moment of my life.”
Final Thoughts from the Man Himself
In a late-night post from his sensory deprivation chamber (scented with bacon grease and patchouli), Fetterman offered this statement:
“Democracy is like a hoagie. Sometimes you forget the onions. Sometimes you drop it on the Senate floor. But you always eat it, even if it tastes like betrayal.”
No one knows what it means. But Chuck Grassley reportedly cried.
What the Funny People Are Saying
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“Fetterman’s missed more votes than I’ve missed Uber Eats orders. And I live in a cul-de-sac with no street signs.” — Jerry Seinfeld
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“You ever slam your hands on a desk so hard it counts as a policy position? That’s called governing, baby!” — Ron White
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“He’s the first senator to cosplay as a union ghost. And honestly, I support it.” — Sarah Silverman
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“At this point, we should replace him with a hologram that mumbles Springsteen lyrics.” — Larry David
Satirical Sources:
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John Fetterman Misses Votes, Senate Responds with Life-Size Cardboard Cutout
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Senate Committee Installs Punching Bag Labeled ‘The Establishment’ for Fetterman’s Use
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Wawa Now Accepts Senate Floor Votes as Coupon Codes
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Pennsylvania Elects Hoodie as Next Lieutenant Governor
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Fetterman Declares “All Politics Is Performance Art” in TikTok Series
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Capitol Hill Installs New Rule: No Slamming Desks Unless You’re Also Crying
Final Disclaimer
This satirical journalism article is a wholly fictional collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. Any resemblance to reality is either a cosmic joke or a subpoena waiting to happen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
John Fetterman Misses Votes, Senate Responds with Life-Size Cardboard Cutout
In a bipartisan attempt to preserve the illusion of presence, the U.S. Senate has unveiled a life-size cardboard cutout of Senator John Fetterman. Dressed in his signature hoodie, gym shorts, and holding a Wawa coffee, the cutout has already “attended” more sessions this month than the actual senator. “It doesn’t talk, vote, or interact with reality—so it’s basically on brand,” said Senator Mitt Romney. The cutout has been placed in Fetterman’s seat with Velcro attachments to raise its hand for votes. When asked for comment, Fetterman tweeted a photo of the cutout with the caption, “Finally someone in Congress who understands me.” Staffers report the cardboard version has already gained a cult following among younger lawmakers, many of whom say it “radiates better energy than Ted Cruz.” One intern even swore the cutout whispered “democracy is a flat circle” during a particularly long filibuster. Plans are underway to create holographic versions for press conferences and family barbecues. Meanwhile, the real Fetterman was last spotted on a sensory deprivation retreat in a former Cold War missile silo, communing with what he described as “the vibes of the Founding Fathers.”
Senate Committee Installs Punching Bag Labeled ‘The Establishment’ for Fetterman’s Use
In a rare act of legislative empathy, the Senate Committee on Behavioral Expression has installed a human-sized punching bag in the antechamber of Room 402. The bag, wearing a pinstripe suit and a smug expression, is labeled “The Establishment” in bold Helvetica font. The initiative was reportedly proposed by Senator Fetterman himself, who claimed he needed a “constructive outlet for systemic rage that doesn’t involve yelling at interns or flipping over hoagie trays.” Since its installation, the punching bag has become a bipartisan favorite. Lindsey Graham was seen taking a swing, mumbling, “This one’s for my inner turmoil.” Staffers now call it the “Uppercut Caucus.” The Congressional Budget Office warns this could set a precedent for emotional infrastructure, requiring future installations like a Senate Slip ‘n Slide labeled “Ethics Inquiry” and a therapeutic drum circle to process lobbyist-induced trauma. Fetterman himself issued a statement via interpretive dance performed outside a Wawa parking lot. “This punching bag,” he declared mid-squat thrust, “represents the silent scream of every blue-collar philosopher who ever wanted to fistfight a talking necktie.” So far, the bag has sustained only minor damage, but reports suggest it voted “present” in a recent Agriculture Committee meeting.
Wawa Now Accepts Senate Floor Votes as Coupon Codes
In a first for American governance and hoagie economics, Pennsylvania-based convenience store chain Wawa has announced it will now accept official Senate floor votes as redeemable coupon codes. “It’s time to democratize deli meat,” said Wawa’s CEO in a press conference held inside a refrigerated sandwich bunker. Senator Fetterman is believed to have brokered the deal after reportedly whispering “filibuster this” into a touchscreen ordering kiosk. Under the new system, votes labeled “aye” will earn a 10% discount on Sizzlis, while “nay” triggers a free fountain drink if paired with a cheese pretzel. Abstentions yield a coupon for emotional support hoagies. The Senate Ethics Committee is reportedly reviewing the implications, but most agree this is a win for constituents and condiments alike. Fetterman has allegedly submitted legislation allowing combo meals to double as campaign donations. Political scientists are baffled. “We always theorized democratic socialism might start with universal healthcare,” said Dr. Lenore Moffett of American University. “Turns out it was toasted sandwiches all along.” Wawa is also testing a rewards program based on committee attendance, though early tests show most senators prefer to mail in expired coupons and claim it’s “symbolic participation.”
Pennsylvania Elects Hoodie as Next Lieutenant Governor
In a landslide victory against both a Brooks Brothers mannequin and a candidate described only as “Generic White Guy #7,” a navy blue zip-up Carhartt hoodie has been elected the next Lieutenant Governor of Pennsylvania. The campaign slogan—“Warmth, Comfort, Zero Policy Flip-Flops”—resonated with voters disillusioned by buttoned-up bureaucracy. Backed by Senator John Fetterman and endorsed by the National Union of Disaffected Apparel (NUDA), the hoodie ran on a platform of authenticity, soft fleece, and resistance to dry cleaning. At its victory speech, delivered via mannequin, the hoodie declared, “My zipper is open, and so is democracy.” Critics warn the garment has no political experience, but defenders argue, “Neither do half the people in Congress.” Analysts say the hoodie’s rise symbolizes a cultural shift: from performative professionalism to aspirational laziness. Fashion pundits note the win could inspire a national trend—Vermont has already fielded a pair of ethically-sourced Birkenstocks for governor. Fetterman, who officiated the hoodie’s swearing-in ceremony by pulling the drawstrings into a ceremonial knot, called it “a proud day for wearable representation.” The hoodie has since been spotted in Harrisburg lounging on a beanbag, sipping kombucha, and vetoing anything involving khakis.
Fetterman Declares “All Politics Is Performance Art” in TikTok Series
Senator John Fetterman has launched a new TikTok series titled “Filibuster Follies: Performance Art on the Hill”, declaring once and for all that American politics is not governance—it’s interpretive chaos in three acts. The series opens with Fetterman silently screaming into a jar of Nutella while jazz music plays backward. Episode two features him quoting Bukowski while folding laundry on the Senate floor. “Everything’s a bit,” he explained, wearing a beret made of recycled voting pamphlets. “Democracy is improv, and I’m just waiting for someone to yell ‘scene.’” The Senate Ethics Committee issued a warning but admitted the content was “weirdly compelling.” His most viral moment—slamming a meatball sub onto a filibuster podium while shouting “THIS IS POLICY”—garnered 4.2 million views and an endorsement from Banksy. Republican senators remain baffled. “I thought TikTok was Chinese spyware,” said Senator Grassley. “Now it’s interpretive?” Fetterman says future episodes will include “Lobbyist Limerick Night” and “Shirtless Budget Reconciliation Poetry Slam.” D.C. insiders report he’s already petitioned the Library of Congress to recognize memes as legislative transcripts. When asked if this strategy would affect reelection, Fetterman replied in a DM: “Only if the vibes say no.”
Capitol Hill Installs New Rule: No Slamming Desks Unless You’re Also Crying
Following multiple emotionally charged desk-slamming incidents—led by Senator Fetterman’s one-man reinterpretation of Death of a Salesman—Capitol Hill leadership has implemented a new rule: No slamming desks unless you are simultaneously in tears. The policy, dubbed the “Feel First, Slam Later Act,” was passed by unanimous nodding after Amy Klobuchar’s Apple Watch registered elevated cortisol during an Education Committee meltdown. “If you’re gonna be dramatic, at least be vulnerable,” said Chuck Schumer, who then offered a tissue and a juice box. The rule was drafted by the newly formed Senate Subcommittee on Catharsis and Upholstery Repair. Fetterman defended the policy on live TV while sitting in a beanbag, wearing his now-infamous hoodie that reads “Emotions Are Infrastructure.” Psychologists have praised the move as a breakthrough in legislative emotional intelligence, though critics warn it may trigger “performative sobbing” during budget negotiations. As of press time, Bernie Sanders has applied for an exemption, citing “righteous anger” as a separate category. Meanwhile, Ted Cruz was caught practicing crying in a mirror with onion slices. The Capitol janitorial staff has requested emotional mop training. Speaker Mike Johnson added, “If the Founders were alive, they’d weep too—and we want that energy in the chamber.”