Bird lobby vows to fight back
New York City Mayor Eric Adams has declared an all-out war on pigeons, the feathered freeloaders who treat every sidewalk like a personal bathroom. According to reports, the Mayor is tired of being dive-bombed during press conferences and having his designer suits ruined by “aerial bombardments.” His new “Feather-Free NYC” initiative aims to relocate, retrain, ordepending on how you interpret the fine printdraft pigeons into city service.
Adams announced the plan from City Hall, flanked by a team of sanitation workers armed with power washers and stale bagels. “Weve taken on rats, now its time to handle the pigeons,” Adams said. “New Yorkers deserve sidewalks that dont resemble Jackson Pollock paintings.” He also floated the idea of creating “Pigeon Training Academies” to turn the birds into civil servants, teaching them to deliver Amazon packages, or at least MetroCards.
Reaction was immediate. Animal rights activists called the plan “avian apartheid,” while residents of Union Square said, “Good luck, buddy, those pigeons run this town.” One woman from Washington Heights argued, “If you move the pigeons, whos gonna clean up all the dropped pizza crusts? You?!” Even the Times Square Elmo chimed in, tweeting, “Leave pigeons alone. Theyre union.”
Social media exploded with memes of pigeons in combat helmets. One viral TikTok showed a pigeon standing proudly on the Mayors SUV, captioned: “Occupy City Hall.” Meanwhile, tabloids splashed headlines like “CLUCK OFF” and “Birdemic 2025.” A Staten Island councilman suggested simply giving the pigeons Mets jerseys so theyd flee in shame.
Experts say eliminating pigeons is impossible. “Theyre New Yorkers,” said a Columbia biologist. “They thrive on filth, attitude, and discarded halal carts. Thats the citys ecosystem.” Even the MTA issued a warning: “Without pigeons, who will terrorize commuters on the platforms?”
Despite the criticism, Adams doubled down, promising to personally chase pigeons through Times Square if necessary. “If I have to dress up as a hawk, I will,” he vowed. City Hall insiders admit the Mayor spends more time yelling at birds than addressing housing shortages, but “at least it shows commitment.”
For most New Yorkers, the feud is just another chapter in the citys eternal soap opera. Rats, pigeons, roachesweve always had mascots. “The Mayor can fight pigeons all he wants,” one Brooklynite shrugged. “But at the end of the day, theyll still be pooping on his car.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mayor-adams-declares-war-on-pigeons/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mayor-adams-declares-war-on-pigeons/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
