AG Shocked to Learn Professional Responsibilities
In a stunning revelation that has rocked the New York legal community, Attorney General Letitia James reportedly discovered this week that her job description actually includes prosecuting violations of the law. According to sources within her Manhattan office, the AG experienced what psychologists are calling “an existential workplace awakening” after accidentally reading her own job title on her office door.
“I always thought I was more of a press conference coordinator,” James allegedly told stunned staffers during an emergency meeting. “You’re telling me I’m supposed to actually enforce laws? Like, beyond just announcing I’m going to enforce them?”
The revelation came after a New York Times investigation revealed that James had been operating under the mistaken belief that her primary responsibility was generating headlines rather than legal outcomes. New Yorkers, accustomed to theatrical announcements followed by years of procedural delays, reportedly responded to the news with a collective shrug that registered on seismographs in New Jersey.
Legal experts say this confusion is common among elected officials who spend more time in front of cameras than courtrooms. “It’s like when people discover that the Department of Motor Vehicles is supposed to provide motor vehicle services,” explained Columbia Law School professor Martha Weinstein. “The actual function gets lost beneath layers of bureaucratic performance art.”
James’s office has since issued a statement clarifying that the AG “has always known what her job entails” and that any suggestion otherwise is “a mischaracterization of her commitment to justice and really good lighting during press conferences.” The statement was delivered via a hastily arranged press conference, naturally.
Meanwhile, defense attorneys across New York are reportedly updating their strategies to account for the possibility that the state’s top law enforcement official might actually start enforcing laws. “We’re in uncharted territory here,” said one criminal defense lawyer who requested anonymity. “I’ve built an entire career on the assumption that announcements and actions are two completely different things.”
As of press time, James was seen entering her office building while carefully reading a pamphlet titled “So You’re a Prosecutor: A Beginner’s Guide.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/letitia-james/
SOURCE: New York’s #1 Satirical Journalism Site (https://bohiney.com/letitia-james/)
