Artisanal H2O for $25
Move over kombuchaBrooklyn has a new obsession. According to reports, Williamsburg hipsters have launched the citys first “craft water bar,” serving hand-poured, small-batch H2O for $25 a glass. The menu features options like “Rainfall Reserve,” “Hudson Mist,” and “Imported Iceberg Essence.”
“Regular water is too mainstream,” explained a bearded barista in suspenders, polishing a mason jar with pretentious reverence. “Our water is filtered through vinyl records for an authentic lo-fi taste.”
Locals are torn. “I cant afford rent, but at least I can Instagram myself drinking artisanal dew,” sighed a Bushwick resident. Tourists, however, flock to the bar, convinced theyre experiencing “the soul of Brooklyn.”
Tabloids poured it on. “WATER YOU THINKING?” shouted the Post. The Daily News countered: “LIQUID INSANITY.” TikTokers flooded #CraftWater, dramatically swirling tap water in wine glasses and pretending it tastes like existential angst.
Mayor Adams called it “innovation at its thirstiest,” while Governor Hochul threatened to tax water sommeliers if they continue pairing it with gluten-free ice cubes. Meanwhile, Poland Spring executives are reportedly weeping into plastic bottles.
For now, Brooklyn hipsters sip smugly, confident their overpriced hydration is saving the planet one ironic gulp at a time.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/brooklyn-hipsters-declare-craft-water/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/brooklyn-hipsters-declare-craft-water/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
