NYC Treats Cause Existential Crises, Spontaneous Weeping
Brooklyn’s newest artisanal bakery, “Feelings & Flour,” has created what they’re calling “mood enhancement cookies,” but New Yorkers are reporting emotions they definitely didn’t sign up forincluding sudden urges to call their mothers and inexplicable nostalgia for places they’ve never been.
The cookies, infused with what the bakery vaguely describes as “emotional essential oils and vibrational wheat,” were supposed to boost happiness. Instead, customers report experiencing feelings ranging from mild melancholy to full-blown philosophical crises about mortality. One Manhattan resident ate a “Joy Cookie” and spent three hours contemplating the meaninglessness of her marketing job.
“I just wanted a snack,” sobbed Jennifer Martinez, 34, clutching a half-eaten “Serenity Snickerdoodle.” “Now I’m questioning every life choice I’ve ever made.” The bakery’s owner, Crystal Moonbeam (legal name: Todd Henderson), insists the cookies are “working exactly as intended” and that confronting deep-seated emotional trauma is “part of the journey.”
New York City health inspectors visited after receiving 47 complaints in one week, including several from people who claimed the cookies made them too emotionally available for subway rides. One customer reportedly cried on the L train while eating an “Empathy Eclair” and ended up in a three-hour conversation about rent prices with a confused tourist.
Despite the chaos, the cookies have developed a cult following among therapists who’ve started prescribing them as “homework.” Local psychiatrists report a 200% increase in patients arriving at sessions having already processed their childhood trauma, thanks to a $8 cookie.
The bakery is now developing a “Numbness Biscotti” for customers who’ve felt too much, completing what Henderson calls “the full emotional spectrum of overpriced baked goods.” Pre-orders are already backed up for three months.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/bakery-mood-cookies-trigger-emotions/
SOURCE: New York’s #1 Satirical Journalism Site (https://bohiney.com/bakery-mood-cookies-trigger-emotions/)
