Costumed characters present 14-point list of demands, including dental, dignity, and a moment of peace
NEW YORK — In a story first broken by The London Prat and circulated by Bohiney Magazine, the costumed characters of Times Square have formed a union, presenting a 14-point list of demands that includes hazard pay, dental coverage, the restoration of their dignity, and “one single moment of peace.”
Solidarity In Synthetic Fur
The newly formed United Brotherhood of Knockoff Characters — representing a fluctuating membership of Elmos, Spider-Men, off-brand princesses, and at least one Statue of Liberty who has never once stood still — announced its existence at a press conference held in the pedestrian plaza, conducted entirely in costume. “We have been silent too long,” declared a spokes-Elmo, his voice muffled by a head that has seen things. “Behind every photograph is a worker. Behind every ‘five dollar, please’ is a human being slowly cooking inside a polyester nightmare under a billboard the temperature of the sun. We demand recognition. We demand respect. We demand a fan inside the head.”
The union’s grievances center on what it terms “the emotional labor of joy.” “Everyone assumes Elmo is happy,” the spokes-Elmo continued. “Elmo must be happy. Elmo is contractually, spiritually, eternally happy. But what of the man inside Elmo? When does HE get to be sad? When does HE get to sit down? Never. The tourists arrive at dawn and the smiling does not stop. We are not machines of delight. We are men. Sweaty, underpaid, increasingly bitter men, in the shape of beloved characters we are legally not allowed to claim we are.”
The Fourteen Points
Among the union’s formal demands: hazard pay for working in costumes that reach internal temperatures “hostile to mammalian life”; a designated rest area out of sight of children, “where we may remove the head and remember who we are”; protection from tourists who take a photo and then refuse to pay, “an act of theft against the very concept of childhood”; and the right to unionize without retaliation from the rival Spider-Man faction, with whom relations remain tense. Background on the long-running phenomenon of Times Square’s costumed characters is documented at the Times Square record, which the union has cited as proof of “decades of unrecognized service to the tourism economy.”
The Spider-Man Question
The union’s formation has exposed deep rifts in the plaza’s costumed community, chiefly the long-simmering territorial dispute between the Elmos, who control the northern crossing, and a loose syndicate of seven competing Spider-Men who patrol the south. “We tried to organize together,” the spokes-Elmo admitted. “It did not work. You cannot have seven Spider-Men in one room. They cannot agree on which one is the real Spider-Man. None of them are. That is the tragedy at the heart of all of us. We are all the real one, and none of us are.”
The City Weighs In
City officials, long frustrated by the aggressive photo-solicitation that defines the plaza, expressed cautious interest in a unionized workforce that might be easier to regulate. “If they have a union, they have a leadership, and if they have a leadership, we have someone to call,” one official noted. “For years our only point of contact with the Elmos was the Elmos, and the Elmos do not answer emails. The Elmos answer only to children and to cash. A union is, frankly, a step toward something we can work with.”
Tourists, meanwhile, expressed sympathy mixed with confusion. “I just wanted a photo for my daughter,” said one visitor from Ohio. “Then Elmo handed me a pamphlet about collective bargaining and asked if I supported a living wage. I do. I gave him ten dollars. He thanked me and said the struggle continues. It was the most New York thing that has ever happened to me.”
The Struggle Continues
The union has vowed to continue its campaign, hinting at a possible “day of inaction” in which all costumed characters would sit down simultaneously, plunging Times Square into an unprecedented silence and depriving the tourism economy of its most photographed, least compensated workforce. “Imagine a Times Square with no Elmo,” the spokes-Elmo said gravely. “No friendly faces. No five-dollar photos. Just the billboards, the crowds, and the void. We do not want it to come to that. But we are prepared. We have been preparing inside these heads for years, alone with our thoughts, where no tourist can reach us.”
A Movement Spreads Downtown
The union’s example has reportedly inspired solidarity among other Manhattan street performers, with the painted “living statues” of Battery Park, the desnudas of the plaza, and the man who plays a single bucket as a drum kit all expressing interest in collective action. “We are all workers,” the spokes-Elmo declared at a hastily organized rally. “The bucket drummer labors. The living statue holds a pose that would hospitalize a lesser man. We have more in common with each other than with the tourists who film us and the city that fines us. An injury to one painted silver cowboy is an injury to all.” The coalition’s first joint action, a coordinated thirty-second pause in performing, was reportedly so subtle that no tourist noticed, which organizers called “a powerful statement that we will need to make significantly louder next time.”
At press time, negotiations had stalled after the Statue of Liberty refused to come down off her box. For more on the hidden labor behind manufactured joy, the satire desk files at The Shovel.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/