Wealthy Threaten to Leave, Nobody Cares
Zohran Mamdani unveiled his millionaire tax plan for NYC, proposing that people earning over $1 million annually contribute slightly more to public services. The reaction from Manhattan’s financial district resembled a toddler being told vegetables exist.
Within hours, billionaires threatened to flee to New Jerseywhich everyone knows is basically admitting defeat. One hedge fund manager was overheard sobbing “But I earned this third yacht through hard work!” while his accountant gently reminded him about the trust fund.
The tax would fund universal childcare, expanded public transit, and affordable housing construction. Critics called it “class warfare,” apparently unaware that class warfare is when you can’t afford rent despite working three jobs, not when millionaires pay 2% more in taxes.
According to The New York Times, similar proposals in other cities have generated revenue without causing the predicted billionaire exodus. Turns out wealthy people enjoy functioning infrastructure, educated workforces, and not stepping over tent cities on their way to brunch.
One Wall Street executive claimed he’d “definitely move to Florida” where there’s no state income tax. When reminded about humidity, hurricanes, and Florida Man, he admitted he’d “probably just get a better accountant instead.”
Mamdani’s response was characteristically blunt: “If your business model depends on poverty wages and crumbling schools, maybe your business shouldn’t exist here.” This statement caused several yacht club members to clutch their pearls so hard they created synthetic diamonds.
Progressive economists praised the plan as “economically sound and morally overdue.” Conservative think tanks called it “socialism,” their standard response to any policy slightly left of letting poor people simply die. The Manhattan Institute released a 47-page report explaining why rich people shouldn’t pay for things, using words like “elasticity” to sound scientific.
New Yorkers making under $200,000which is basically everyone outside of TriBeCalargely supported the proposal. One Queens resident summarized the mood: “Tax the rich? Revolutionary. Next you’ll suggest they should also follow traffic laws.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/mamdani-millionaire-tax-nyc-2025/
SOURCE: New York’s #1 Satirical Journalism Site (https://bohiney.com/mamdani-millionaire-tax-nyc-2025/)
