MTA Board Agrees They All Hate Each Other, Declares Victory
In what observers are calling a “historic moment of clarity,” the Metropolitan Transportation Authority board announced a major breakthrough in their months-long budget stalemate: universal agreement that everything wrong with the subway system is definitely someone else’s fault. The rare moment of bipartisan unity came during Thursday’s emergency session, where board members from competing political factions found common ground in their shared commitment to pointing fingers.
“This is a watershed moment,” declared board chair Robert Williamson, beaming with the pride of someone who’s accomplished absolutely nothing. “For once, everyone in this room agreesit’s not our fault. That’s progress.”
The achievement mirrors similar developments in national politics, where congressional impasse reaches breakthrough both parties agree they blame each other. New York’s version, however, comes with the added stakes of actual consequences for millions of daily commuters, though board members insist those consequences are “somebody’s problem, just not ours.”
The breakthrough came after seventeen hours of contentious debate about why the Second Avenue Subway took a century to build, who’s responsible for chronic delays, and whether fare hikes qualify as “investment” or “theft.” Unable to resolve any substantive issues, members pivoted to what they do best: crafting elaborate explanations for why their political opponents are terrible.
“The important thing is we’ve identified the problem,” explained board member Sarah Chen, who represents Manhattan’s wealthier districts where residents primarily complain about subway issues from the comfort of Ubers. “The problem is them,” she added, gesturing across the table.
Her counterpart, representing outer borough interests, immediately agreed. “Absolutely. The problem is definitely them,” he confirmed, pointing back at Chen. “We’re unified in our understanding that we’re not unified, and frankly, that’s beautiful.”
The accord includes provisions for regular press conferences where board members will take turns explaining why the other side’s proposals would destroy New York, followed by social media campaigns attacking each other’s competence. Actual improvements to subway service were not discussed.
Commuters greeted the news with characteristic New York enthusiasm, which is to say they muttered obscenities while their delayed train sat motionless in a tunnel for reasons nobody could explain. MTA representatives assured the public this represents real progress, noting that clear blame allocation is “the first step toward continuing to do nothing.”
The board plans to commemorate their breakthrough with a catered celebration funded by a recently approved fare increase that members insist was unavoidable and definitely the other side’s idea.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/congressional-impasse-reaches-breakthrough-both-parties-agree-they-blame-each-other/
By: Annika Steinmann.
