Running bills
According to reports, Central Park has introduced a controversial new policy: joggers will now be charged $5 per lap around the reservoir. Sensors disguised as squirrels will scan Apple Watches, Fitbits, and even the faces of exhausted runners, automatically deducting funds before they reach the hot dog stand.
“Its about keeping the park financially healthy,” said an official, adjusting his jogger headband. “Also, its funny to watch broke marathon trainees cry.”
Locals are outraged. “I used to run to escape capitalism,” groaned one Upper West Side resident, “now even my sweat is monetized.” Tourists, meanwhile, dont seem to mind. “We thought it was like a Broadway show,” said a family from Ohio. “We clapped when a jogger fainted.”
Premium memberships are also available: $200 per month buys “Unlimited Sweating,” while the $500 “Peloton Prestige” lets you hire an out-of-work Broadway actor to chase you while yelling “FASTER!”
TikToks #PayPerLap shows influencers collapsing dramatically at the 2-mile mark, one jogger offering to Venmo squirrels in exchange for an extra lap, and a viral clip of rats forming a marathon relay team that outran everyone. Street vendors now sell illegal “lap credits” hidden inside churros.
Tabloids sprinted. The Post yelled: “PAY TO PLAY.” The Daily News countered: “RUNNING ON EMPTY.”
Mayor Adams defended it: “If joggers can afford Lululemon, they can afford this.” Governor Hochul muttered, “If they install turnstiles in Prospect Park, Im banning sneakers.”
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-now-charging-joggers-per-lap/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-now-charging-joggers-per-lap/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
