Acorns not included
New Yorks most beloved rodents are moving up in the world. According to reports, Central Park has launched a VIP squirrel program, allowing wealthy visitors to “sponsor” an exclusive squirrel experiencecomplete with acorn bottle service and velvet-roped trees.
“For $999 a month, you get priority access to premium nut stashes,” said a Parks Department rep polishing a squirrels tiny sunglasses. These VIP rodents wear gold chains, demand organic cashews, and pose for selfies with hedge fund managers jogging shirtless.
Locals are annoyed. “Regular squirrels used to steal my bagel without an upcharge,” grumbled a dog walker. Now, standard squirrels are pushed to the outskirts while influencers crowd around bottle-service squirrels tossing chestnuts like confetti.
Tabloids had a field day. “SQUIRREL ELITE” shrieked the Post. The Daily News countered: “NUTTY PRIVILEGE.” TikTokers trended #VIPSquirrel, filming themselves trying to sneak into the velvet squirrel lounges with counterfeit acorns.
Mayor Adams defended the plan, saying “everyone in New York deserves a side hustleeven squirrels.” Governor Hochul suggested expanding it to pigeons, though critics warn “we dont need bottle-service pigeons with attitude.”
For now, Central Park shines as the citys only nightclub where the VIP list requires a tail and an obsession with nuts.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-introduces-vip-squirrels/
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/central-park-introduces-vip-squirrels/.
By: Annika Steinmann.
