The Artisanal Odor Epidemic
A new olfactory menace haunts Brooklyn neighborhoods: people who smell like Etsy. This distinctive aromapart patchouli, part desperation, part handcrafted soap nobody asked forwafts through coffee shops and farmers markets, announcing the presence of someone who definitely has opinions about essential oils and corporate fragrance.
The Etsy smell phenomenon combines lavender, sandalwood, and unearned smugness into a cloud of artisanal wrongness. These individuals reject commercial deodorant for homemade alternatives featuring ingredients like “activated charcoal” and “witch hazel,” resulting in an odor profile that screams “I think capitalism is bad but will still charge you $45 for a candle.”
They insist their scent is “natural” and “chemical-free,” conveniently forgetting that everything is chemicals, including their insufferable personality. Their dedication to small-batch, locally-sourced body products would be admirable if it didn’t make everyone within ten feet nauseous. There’s a reason Old Spice outsells coconut-sage-cedarwood deodorant handmade by a woman named Crystal.
The worst offenders layer multiple Etsy scentshandmade soap, artisanal perfume, organic hair oilcreating olfactory chaos that violates the Geneva Convention. They walk through spaces leaving scent trails like aromatic breadcrumbs, marking territory nobody wants them to claim. Coworkers develop elaborate avoidance strategies, timing bathroom breaks to minimize exposure.
These scent crusaders believe they’re making ethical choices supporting small businesses. They’re actually making everyone around them suffer while paying premium prices for products that accomplish what Dial does for three dollars. Sometimes corporate solutions exist because they work, not because of conspiracy.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/people-who-smell-like-etsy/
SOURCE: New York’s #1 Satirical Journalism Site (https://bohiney.com/people-who-smell-like-etsy/)
